I can’t believe it’s come to this moment, the Season Three finale of “Siesta Key.”
I mean, the mid-season finale.
I’m not sure what MTV was thinking smushing two back-to-back episodes into a two-week period? But once again, we have two episodes to recap (after last week's two hour debacle) — so let’s break the “dance on the roof, you and me alone” and cut to the feeling...
While Juliette opens the beginning to the end with, “I was worried I was about to lose control,” I ignored the recap and decided that one ice cream sandwich isn’t going to make the next two hours tolerable.
In a flashback, we view Brandon asking the bonfire gang, plus Jared, to join him as he heads North to Nashville to record alongside country artist Shawny (insert “Old Country Road” here).
- Madisson and Chloe search for cowgirl boots while reminding us of Madisson’s single status.
- We bear witness to a purrfect roommate — I mean c’mon, where is this kitty’s introduction?
Juliette reflects on her bonfire chat with Alex admitting the obvious to Kelsey that she was “really drunk” and “poured her heart out,” which sets up the Jules and Alex pathetic story line for these final episodes.
Alyssa jumps into bed with Alex and Zeus, another pet worthy of an introduction other than Instagram fame, and finds out that the bonfire wasn’t the only thing that she was not invited to, which sets up the Alyssa and Alex half-assed story line for these final episodes.
- Juliette confesses she misses Alex “taking care of her.”
- Chloe divulges her theory for Julex: “The door is shut, but it’s not locked.”
- Alex tells Alyssa that he’s “just riding the wave” that flows to Nashville.
JJ slides his way back to Amanda at a restaurant that I didn’t recognize and missed the b-roll of the exterior, but anyway, I saw lots of red wine and heard Amanda once again claim her noncommittal statement.
Although I applaud her admission as to what happens when you put the cast together and add alcohol = failure.
HE HAS RISEN (but still off Instagram).
Paul, you know the one who has been absent the entire third season (making me speculate the legality behind it all), is allowed to make an appearance and assert his opinion of Juliette onto Alex. “A couple of cocktails and yeehaw. … Nashville isn’t Vegas. What happens there doesn’t stay there.”
Oh, Pauly, welcome back.
While the mystery of Paul’s return sizzles out on the back burner of my mind, Chloe and Alyssa are seen boxing while Chloe explains to Alex’s new girl how they are all “trying to be adults” and “grow up” — hence, the Nashville (a town full of booze and chaos, ideal for any rekindling) trip.
- Brandon heads into Warner Music to sing Billy Ray Cyrus’ next mashup.
- Brandon lands a gig with his new duo partner at Nashville bar, ACME.
- Juliette’s pal Hannah, previously dabbled throughout episodes, lives in Tennessee.
- Amanda continues to shout her single life from the rooftops.
- Jared and Garrett wear oversized cowboy hats.
- Jared amps himself up with the possibility of an after party alongside his fellow bachelors. (No, no sign of Robby — well, can’t use the word “bachelor” in the same way anymore.)
- Juliette begins using the word “uncomfortable” for the remainder of the episode.
The gang kicks up their boots and board a country-themed party bus, including Paul (?!?!?!?!?).
Aboard the bus, Amanda quickly switches gears and becomes a villain, not in BG or the absent JJ’s eyes but toward the Key girls for the remainder of the season by talking a big talk about Alex.
“Can Amanda hop out of Alex’s ass?” Juliette crisply says into the cameras and into my soul.
Within minutes of entering the first stop of the Nash-Trashed tour, Paul tags onto his five-seconds-of-fame as he approaches Juliette, who admits she was “lost with Alex.” And he starts World War III off the key by saying, “Alex is coming to get back with you.”
- Jules says she’s “continuously being mindf***ed” by Alex.
- Jules says she will not hook up with Alex again because she “won’t be the girl that [she] hated” while Alex is still with Alyssa.
Kelsey and Garrett are seen heavily influenced by the usual-amount of liquor flow plus country tunes and make a bet on their next-day axe-throwing performance and lock the “I’ll take you horseback riding if you sleep with me” deal with a steamy kiss.
- Jared sees it.
- Amanda sees it.
- Jared flicks the bird to his one-time lover and supposed cowboy bachelor.
Hannah returns to have yet another, “Do you still love him?” conversation with Jules. Her response in this scene? “Her made me feel better about stupid shit.”
Chloe, Jared, Kelsey and Garrett head to axe-throwing while Madisson, Amanda, Juliette, Brandon and PAUL (?!?!?!?!) go horseback riding.
- Kelsey fails at her first few attempts of axe-throwing, but Jared reassures her that at least she’s pretty.
- Jared calls out Garrett and Kelsey for their revived love affair and notes the “paper thin walls” at the hotel (will definitely NOT be staying there).
- Alex arrives, and Chloe tells him about Kelsey and Garrett instantaneously.
- Chloe divulges to Alex what Paul (?!?!?!?) told Juliette about wanting to, what’s the term, knock boots?
- Alex admits to being “open to the idea” of reuniting with his ex-Queen, though he wouldn’t “do it in this setting” — whatever the hell that means.
Onto the next scene while pregaming BG’s live show, Chloe kicks it off by saying, “So how drunk do we plan on getting tonight?”
- Madisson rocks some stellar overalls for her ex-boyfriends gig.
- The gang toasts to BG.
- Shots on shots on shots.
Amanda begins her if-she-left-right-now-like-Cara-left-I-wouldn’t-be-phased attitude and revs up with full Nashville horsepower.
- She transplants herself between Alex’s legs at the bar (who also happens to be positioned right beside Juliette).
- Amanda begins to fire shots at Juliette.
- Too many low-hanging-fruit comments later, I begin to wonder what the purpose is of Amanda’s character.
As I begin to go down the rabbit hole, I receive reassurance that my thoughts are valid. I see a notification from a fellow and beautiful Key-head messaging me saying, “Can Amanda leave this show? As well as Siesta Key? Please.”
- Paul (?!?!?!?!?) arrives at ACME, and he, paired with his bleached man-bun and the inability to read a room, is ready to partay.
- Alex might not have brought Alyssa on the trip, but he sure did pack an extra set of crazy eyes.
- Crazy eyes guns it for his can’t-keep-a-secret cousin Paul.
- Chloe deflects her male bestie: “You don’t need this fight. You’re going to law school.”
- Multiple dudes who might have the “SATURDAY’S ARE FOR THE BOYS” flags, stickers or tattoos, step into to pull crazy eyes off Paul (??!?!?!).
- Alex claims he could have “smashed through” the sea of “bodyguards” and gotten to Paul.
Remember, we did come to Nashville for his career and not the Wild West cousins. (Ugh, I just remembered that Paul made a wild west comment. Stay tuned for a better pun.)
- The camera crew is more interested in the performance of Kelsey’s mouth guest starring Garret’s tongue.
- Madisson defines ex-girlfriend/friend/groupie goals while dancing and singing the words to Brandon’s new hit.
And now back to this week’s episode of Keeping Up with the Kompos:
Paul (??!?!?!) and Alex make up after Alex insists on repeating “Don’t do it again” as many times as I said the word “flashback” this season.
And I’m over Paul’s lackluster return.
I feel compelled to not touch upon what came as the biggest shock of the entire season to me, but I took an oath as a Key Notes contributor to report on the good, the bad and the ugly.
- Jared gets salty about Kelsey and Garrett’s sleepover and says that she will get with anyone who isn’t “blue checked.”
I’m either an in-denial millennial, or that is actually a status quo now. For those of you who didn’t know it but didn’t care enough to Google this term, blue checked means that you have certified by Instagram as OFFICIAL.
- Jared admits to talking shit and then continues to slut-shame Kelsey. In a bar. Away from the Key. While highly intoxicated. Wearing a plus-size cowboy hat.
- “You don’t have to be my friend,” he said to Kelsey.
- He reveals his true feelings about the Rebella boys influence on K.
Listen, Jared, buddy-ol-pal, let this girl live and do her thing.
J, just as a side note, you already know how I feel about you (need a reminder?). You’ll find your slice of heaven soon - maybe next season?
And while I’m on my soap box….
- Your behavior is hideous. It’s time to clean your act up.
- Stop making Juliette “uncomfortable.” You are making me uncomfortable with every word that leaves your mouth.
- “You both are the fakest bitches I have ever met” is NOT a way to talk to your friends who dragged your ass onto one of the largest entertainment platforms.
- Chloe is 100% correct in saying, “You’re so mean.”
- Stop talking with your hands.
- When you said to Juliette, “You’re dumb if you think Chloe is looking out for you,” do you think anyone is really looking out for one another on the show?
Sincerely, Give me the next episode. I’m over your unnecessary premise.
Juliette leads us into the final episode of the mid-season finale, “Our hot girl summer was coming to an end,” and, “Something about Nashville was making everyone crazy.”
Yeah babe, it’s a mixture of the alcohol intake and production team's ability to work you all.
The Key Girls’ hot summer definitely came to an end the next morning.
Honest rule: I am thrilled to have not been filmed the morning after the last time I went to Nashville.
- Chloe asks Madisson to assist her in taking off her “face,” aka her face mask.
- Pineapple pizza spotting on the table of the girls’ room. Don’t care what you say, that is a delicious combo, and kudos to the orderee.
- Alex texted Juliette, “Hey…can we talk?” after we hear Juliette has news she isn’t ready to tell us Key-Heads yet.
I’m tired of this back-and-forth Julex Komporter story line because you and I both know Alyssa and Alex are together now expecting a baby (spoiler?) soooooooo….
- Alex and Juliette meet up on a bridge overlooking Nashville and all their mistakes.
- We find out that OH EM GEE Juliette became the girl she hated, Alex cheated on Alyssa and voila! The OG couple sleeps together once more.
- Alex slurs, “I still have a heart for you.”
- Yup, that is an exact quote.
- Could the team really not get one more take to correct the delivery?
- Juliette blames their poor decisions on being young and in love and that they “should let the past go completely,” which she has said multiple other times during the past 12 episodes.
- “I’m not the type of guy that is going to close the door. I’ll leave it cracked,” is how Alex expresses his cheating behavior.
And full circle with the door metaphors.
- The gang heads to dinner on their last night in Tennessee.
- They are divided up into two separate tables at a fancy restaurant.
- Amanda (at table #1) continues to suck by yelling whatever it she yells to Juliette (at table #2).
- Amanda continues to climb up Alex’s ass.
- Juliette drops the word “uncomfortable” with the help of her friend Hannah.
- Hey Hannah, girl, you still here?
- Chloe tells Amanda that all the Key girls think she is “thirsty as f***.”
- Chloe proposes the question if she is “too much” to each Key member at both tables.
- Brandon whispers, “I think this whole group is a little too much.”
- Jared, with hair of the dog, reminds the gang that they are in a public restaurant and to take the savagery down a notch.
- Amanda asks the gang if she should break Chloe’s nose again.
- BG cuts the tension by asking Madisson what she wants with Ish while cracking jokes about Nova Scotia.
- Amanda proves she is not mature enough to sip on what seems like good liquor.
- Alex shares that he and Juliette went on a walk where they confirmed their “eye to eye” perspective.
What would the mid-season finale be without a cross-over convo?
While Alex tells the gang “I’d be lying if I said Juliette left my mind entirely,” Alyssa and 1-800-ASK-GARY’S-WIFE (Alex’s mother) head to Art Ovation Hotel bar.
- EARTH SHATTERING: We find out that Alex’s Dad and Alyssa’s Dad were college roommates at…?
- Is the Alex-Alyssa child going to be nicknamed 1-800-ASK-GARY’S-COLLEGE-ROOMMATES-DAUGHTER’S-BABY?
- Mama Kompo plus an Art Ovation drink believes that the exes will remain as such.
Jared continues his maybe-he’s-been-hanging-out-with-Amanda-too-much attitude when he drops the bomb, breaking bro-code, that he witnessed Juliette with Alex last night.
- Chloe asks Alex, like every other person has, “Do you still love Juliette?”
- Alex, prepped for his big moment, stutters, falls short and the camera crew takes, “I mean, dude, it’s such a touchy subject,” and proceed.
- Alyssa tells Mama Kompo that she is falling for Alex.
- Meanwhile, Alex tries to lie about his feelings for either girl. “I’m trying to find a way to word it.”
It being the word sex.
Our Key kids leave the Music City after it “got the best of them.” Chloe reminds us that in this city famous for its hot chicken and country music, “some people got laid, and now it’s time to go home.”
Just a half hour more until the mid-season finale is ooooooooover.
- Alyssa works out at the Kompo Kompound.
- Alex bores us with a recap of Nashville.
- Alyssa thinks it’s “sketchy” that he didn’t mention Juliette’s name once.
- He tells her she looks good.
- She tells him he looks good.
- They kiss.
JJ, with his tail between his legs, goes over to Amanda’s house, where she shares that she “did a little too much partying” as she slams a mimosa poolside.
Insert flashback of Juliette finding out about Alex cheating.
Juliette leaves Alex a voicemail, “I’m giving you the opportunity to tell her, so I don’t have to. I think that would be the best for everyone.”
We all know he isn’t going to tell Alyssa. Can we just get to the BABY DRAMA?
We are forced to see yet another butt. Kelsey swims to shore to retrieve the red wine (again, at the beach? In Florida? During summer?) and Publix fruit that Madisson has brought gulf-side.
- Madisson gifts Kelsey with the 365 notes that Gbaby wrote to K while they were dating.
- Kelsey left it at their old apartment and Madisson help onto it. Sweet and creepy?
- Kelsey cries about Garrett and tells us “she never wants to hurt him again.”
- Easy, just don’t cheat.
- Ish calls Madisson for the first time in a month and tells her that he’s buying her a ticket to NYC tomorrow to talk.
- I mean, free air fare, say hell yeah!
First Nashville and now NYC? I thought this show was based in Siesta Key?
And just when I thought the final moments would be simplistic … OH HELL NO — IS THAT RETURN OF THE CARA?
- Madisson walks up to Cara at a rooftop bar like nothing ever happened.
- Juliette narrates that Cara is living and working in NYC and, get this, even taking public transportation.
- Madisson orders “anything with jalapeños in it” from the bartender.
- Cara is back with her ex, you know, the one who Chloe told Alex that Cara was cheating on with Garrett last summer?
- Jules comes in clutch with another voice-over, loving every moment of judging Cara from afar: “Chloe may be a gossiper, but her facts are usually dead on.”
- Madisson, the keeper of Garrett’s love messages, gives Cara a gift from Gbaby.
“From our first date at the aquarium to Miami, … I knew you were special. … You were my dream girl. … But as time passes, you get over things, and in the end, all I want is for you to be happy. This is me letting you go. … I will always wish the best for you. Love always, Garrett.”
- Cara shares, “I was happy in Siesta Key with him.”
- Madisson squashes her positivity when divulging that GBaby is currently canoodling with Kelsey.
- Cara changes the subject to Madisson and Ish.
- “I need him to say, ‘I see a forever with you,’” Madisson shares her game plan.
- Ish he going to say forever, or Ish he not?
- “So he’s about to leave you or wife you,” — Cara coins the new motto for millennials everywhere.
Kelsey and Garrett head to the DELICIOUS Star Thai Sushi restaurant that is literally in Siesta Key village.
- Garrett calls “velvet” a color.
- Kelsey cheers her ex-now-kinda-whatever GBaby, “To how far we’ve come.”
- Garrett tests if muscles can help you with chopsticks.
- Garrett tests positive for inability to use chopsticks, even with muscles.
- I marvel at the size of that sushi boat.
- Garrett admits Cara taught him patience.
- We hear yet again what Kelsey doesn’t like about Cara.
- Garrett reminds Kelsey of why they didn’t work (Alex, Jacob, etc.).
- GBaby turns a blind eye to the past.
- Gbaby toasts his ex-no-kinda-whatever Kelsey: “To us getting over our differences from our past. So far we are writing Chapter 1: ‘How to Redeem an Old Relationship.’”
I love how MTV writers now realize all the other relationships of the show they haven’t touched on because they have been immersed in the unpleasantries of the Robby-Julliette-Alex-Alyssa love-square (as well as other things like Phone Gate or Amanda sucks).
- Madisson and Ish sit on an NYC park bench. (Do I see a spin-off in the works?)
- “I’ve always known I wanted to be a mom. That’s my biggest dream,” Ish says to Madisson — just kidding, Madisson says to Ish.
- Wanted to see if you were still with me.
- Madisson asks Ish, “Do you see a forever with me?” And he responds, (duh) “Absolutely.”
- They get back together, make out and awkwardly hug as they walk into their forever. Awwwwwww.
Meanwhile, back on “Siesta Key” on Siesta Key.
- Juliette runs off her guilt.
- Kelsey finds Juliette at the origin of Phone Gate.
- Juliette admits she “really messed up this time. … I hooked up with Alex.”
- Kelsey could-you-have-tried-to-be-a-little-more-surprised reacts “Nooooooo.”
- Juliette claims she hooked up with King Kompo to prove “it was never me. He’s going to do this to anybody.”
- I’m sorry, what?
Enter Alyssa and Chloe at the same restaurant that Juliette and Robby had the post-Blend-opening-fight chat (someone please fill me in on where this is filmed):
Alyssa asked Chloe for the truth, and after Chloe answered, Queen A asks, “Are you just trying to make me not mad?” VALID QUESTION YOUR MAJESTY.
We learn the details of the night(s) in question:
- Alex and Juliette sleep together (a few times).
- Alex and Juliette play pretend and get caught by Chloe.
- The three musketeers, Chloe, Alex and Juliette, get a continental breakfast.
- Alex pleas with his bestie, Chloe, “I’ll literally buy you anything you want.”
Chloe, go on — take the money and run, honey! Get what is yours. You get what’s yours.
- Chloe said she wants a Celine bag.
- For those of you who are like WTF, a bag?
- Those bags can run upwards of $3,000.00, ladies and gents.
- He hands his friend the credit card, she drops it in her theoretical shopping cart, and boom. Cha-ching.
But we all know secrets are never safe on the Key…
And yes, those are my words, not Juliette’s.
Wow, I really need a break from this show.
But wait, there’s more.
NOT A FLASBACK BUT YET A FLASH FORWARD…THREE MONTHS LATER.
Alyssa calls up Madisson for advice on the best pregnancy tests Siesta Key has to offer right before we see those three dreaded words...
(In the meantine, I will continue to debate whether yellow-tinted-sunglasses are a yay or a nay.)
I'll see you when I see you, Key-Heads.