This week I’m foregoing the “In Case You Missed It” summary of what our fave local realty stars have been up to over the course of the past week (Jared eating burritos in a hotel bed hungover in Tampa, Amanda and Chloe getting facials, Alex and Alyssa going to Tahoe to celebrate 1-800-ASK-GARY’S birthday) and cut right to the feeling of what Tuesday night’s back-to-back episode was all about.
That’s right, Key-Heads, we endured two episodes this week — so bare with me.
Take one guess as to who opened the first episode with the voiceover of, “In Siesta Key nothing seems to go smoothly and I feel like I was making bad decisions left and right.” Thank you for yet another groundbreaking introductory statement, Juliette.
Kelsey and Juliette head to the beach with is-she-or-isn’t-she-a-main-character Kelly and prove that even locals can get utterly sunburned. A few glasses of rose are thrown back, and it’s decided that Juliette and Kelly will work the Fourth of July instead of cracking open spiked seltzers at Brandon’s party.
Next, the heir of 1-800-ASK-GARY and Queen Bee Alyssa look down on mere peasants while reflecting on their first fight before making concrete plans to take their drama on the road to Alyssa’s family home in Albany, Ga.
What is this, the summer of we-all-live-in-a-yellow-submarine-sunglasses?
Jared rocks his turn with the lemon-colored-accessory and goes to the dog park with JJ and Amanda where Amanda makes it clear that she is “not anyone’s girl.”
Next, we get b-roll of Jared dropping off his ex-wife, Jessica, (recap here!) at the airport. Fear not, broken-hearted Jared, because Amanda divulges a new girl on the Georgian horizon, Alyssa’s “cute best friend.” To which Jared responds with, “I have a really cute personality.”
Truer words have never been spoken on the Key.
Father Time returns to the island and takes his young lady to Ophelia’s on the Bay (where he once taped Alex and Juliette on the other side of the camera). He plays ping pong with Madisson’s heart by bringing out a small black box. We knew it wasn’t a proposal (because it would have been plastered all over Instagram), but when he delivers the necklace to Madisson with a, “I think you should move to Los Angeles with me,” I also suspected that was the turnout of this date.
It’d be rude of me not to acknowledge that I kind of, sort of, maybe am starting to believe this ridiculous story line.
Amanda, Chloe, JJ, Alex, Jared and Alyssa arrive at Alyssa’s parents house in Georgia and head to the pool where newcomer Madi already has her bikini on and is ready to make a big splash with Jared.
The most cliche bit of any reality show is finally echoed when the sleeping arrangements are made. Amanda shockingly shuts down the proposal of sleeping in the same room as JJ, and we hear those monumental words, “LET’S GO FIND OUR BEDROOMS.”
Chloe directly comments on her first relationship of the episode, JJ and Amanda.
Brandon hosts his red-white-and-blue shindig where we see the itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-sunglasses now placed upon Madisson who slow-mo’s her way into her ex’s house with her new ex-producer-turned-boyfriend, Ish.
The possibility of this love triangle build up was astronomical, but the producers decided to not give a sh*t about the characters still located on the Key.
While Jared wakeboards with what looks like khaki shorts on, Alyssa and Chloe are shucking corn in the kitchen devising a plan for Queen Bee to ask her not-official-yet boyfriend what the heck is going on.
After they prep dinner for the first time in their lives, the gang goes onto the jet skis, where Alex unsuccessfully presents his nonexistent dilemma with the status of his and Alyssa’s relationship.
Chloe FaceTime’s Madisson during their separate Independence Day events and M immediately responds, “It’s like as soon as you guys leave, Siesta Key is a cool place.”
- Juliette ends up going to work on the holiday.
- Kelsey and Garrett play catch-up
- Alex pulls Alyssa begin tip-toeing around the fact that Chloe warned Alex to tell Alyssa about Juliette’s phone call.
- Alex says Chloe did him a favor before she “stuck it up [his] ass.”
- Alex responds to Alyssa’s intolerance for lying, “I don’t think it’s lying when I want to avoid an argument.”
There are actually two of these episodes tonight? I’m gonna need a refill.
JJ pleas to all-the-single-lady-Amanda that he is a changed man while viewers around the country proceed to scream at the television, “REALLY?”
Next, we waste what feels like 15 minutes of couples kissing beneath the fireworks. I kid you not, I was expecting the infamous words, “Baby, you’re a firework!” at least once in this montage.
Producers warm us up before the first fight, which will be recapped immensely though a variety of conversations between overlapping cast members PLUS flashbacks:
- JJ and Amanda, Chloe, Alex and Alyssa as well as new vibin’ couple Jared and Madi sit down and feast.
- Intoxicated Alex asks Chloe, “Are you more a Team Juliette girl?”
- Chloe goes all in and instead of responding, turns the tables on the future-lawyer (woof) himself, “Why haven’t you made it official with Alyssa?”
- Alex stutters a series of ums.
- Chloe divulges about the second Phone Gate, the six-hour conversation between Alex and Juliette, to the dinner guests.
- Alyssa looks less than thrilled.
- Alex questions why Chloe always gets in the middle of his relationships.
- Amanda takes advantage and piggybacks onto his statement.
- Amanda brings extra heat by yelling to Chloe, “Your mouth gets this whole thing going.”
- Alex takes notice that his best friend is being trampled over as if she was the next star in "The Lion King" and tells her she can stay.
- Our little sh*t-stirrer Chloe is done with the BS and heads back to the Key.
- Jared and Madi make out (I’m not going to make a big deal about this at all because, well, she’s not pizza).
Madisson and Ish arrive at Fins at Sharky’s and have a predictable conversation with her sister and ex-cast-member, Paige, dad and I believe first-time-on-screen mom to discuss the vision that is Madisson moving to LA with Ish.
But it wasn’t Pops ordering a drink the second he sat down or the fact that Madisson’s mother thought she was pregnant (I mean, c’mon didn’t you watch Episode 7?) that turned this interview upside down…
Leave it to Paige to deliver, “Isn’t it kind of cliche, a producer dating a young actress.”
Smirky Juliette and “savage” Chloe meet up for frozen beverages at Nokomis Sunset Hut to discuss the Georgia drama and decide that Alex:
- Will not settle down until he is the ripe-old (excuse me?) age of 35.
- Will only befriend people that will keep his dirty little secrets.
- Still loves Juliette.
Meanwhile, SHOCKING — Alex and Alyssa make things official on the dock. Alyssa hears the words that every young woman wants to hear: “I’d like you to be my girlfriend … if you’re cool with that.”
She’s going to the Kompo chapel, and she’s gonna have his baaaaaabby.
The end of Episode 9 comes to quite a, is it too bold to say, unexpected ending as Ish and Madisson sit down at a bench. (Please, someone, tell me how I get to that bench. It looked peaceful, and I can imagine myself sitting there and reflecting on Season Three or literally anything else.)
Although Madisson is ready to put her family behind and leave the Key, it’s Father Time, with his experienced maturity, who tells Madisson that they as a couple need time to sort this (M’s dad-hating Ish) out, and Ish breaks it off with Madisson.
Madisson leaves in tears, and we are ready for the second episode of the night.
What was once detailed as “Robby’s House” is now coined the “Rebella House.” Fine, there, I said it. Robby owns the company named Rebella — but more importantly, I am deaaaaaaaaaaad over this tiny detail.
- Brandon, GBaby, Kelsey, as well as Juliette and her Blend girls, Courtney (why is she hanging out with people who were in preschool when she was mid-way through high school) and Kelly head to the Rebonkers House.
- Juliette has to have her two-narrator-sense in and tell us, “Having so many exes on the key isn’t easy.” Oh boo hoo.
- So. Many. Close. Ups. Of. Kabobs.
- We learn what it means to be, “Harsh, honest.” (#idk)
- We also learn that Jake is NOT a fan of “baby” Juliette.
Juliette grows up in a span of a few milliseconds and asks Robby to come to her store grand opening — but before, during and after the short-and-civilized conversation, we are submerged into a full-feature-film of Phone Gate flashbacks entitled, “Haven’t We Already Seen This?”
We arrive at, where else, The Crescent Club, where Alex and Chloe reintroduce us to ANOTHER FLASHBACK OF THE GEORGIA FIGHT IN THE EPISODE WE VIEWED 12 MINUTES AGO and decide that they need to separate their work and personal relationships. Chloe (and the producers) then convince Alex that he has to talk to Juliette at some point before the show, I mean summer, is over.
Jake, Robby’s business partner and Kelsey’s fling of the week, informs us that his father unfortunately lost his battle to cancer.
At first I thought that Kelsey could manage to work on her bedside manners in this scene, but I retracted my initial reaction and decided to give this girl a mulligan after she was dumped and denied the funeral guest pass. (Too harsh?)
Madisson finds a hobby in day drinking at the Sarasota Modern, the second most highlighted bar venue on the show’s third season, and leave it to professional daytime alcohol consumer Chloe to pull up a barstool.
As the two suck down something that looks like Blue Gatorade and perhaps an old fashion, we are yet again witnessing ANOTHER FLASHBACK OF THE GEORGIA FIGHT IN THE EPISODE WE VIEWED 17 MINUTES AGO.
My eyes are starting to feel a little heavy — but then, I see it — Morton’s Gourmet Market. And I instinctively think, what I wouldn’t give for their Dirty Chai Latte and a cannoli. Shoot, aren’t I supposed to be doing something?
- The Blend girls clink their glasses as the store’s sign goes up along the building.
- Alex shows up, and it’s, for a lack of better words, STOP ROLLING, END SCENE, THIS IS SO AWKARD. He even raises his hand after they raised their glasses and says, “Cheers to Blend.”
- Alex asks to steal Juliette away, and they just happen upon a seat at Libby’s when not a single other person is in sight — no family, no older married couple sharing an appetizer, no individuals on a first date with a half-drank bottle of wine, no mysterious passersbys, no shoppers at the best market in the world across the street, how?
- Juliette tells Alex, “Let the past go.”
- Alex claims, as we have heard numerous times before, seeing Juliette with Robby crushed him.
- Alex says the best gift he ever gave to Jules was “not knocking out (Robby’s) fake ass teeth.”
- J apologizes to A for hurting him, uuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.
- And then she says, “If I see you, I’ll say what’s up, but other than that, I don’t know you anymore.”
- Alex gets up and mutters the sound that is worse than nails on a chalkboard — his laugh.
- Alex walks away, and we see the back of his gray shirt stained with sweat marks.
Blend Fashion House opens its doors, and, of course, why not host a party where an employee gets a plus 17?
- Lots of flowing champagne during the day could never possibly lead to a dramatic evening, right?
- The ex-bachelor and Re-bite me owner attends the opening, as well as Garret, BG, Kelsey, Joe, Madisson and Chloe.
- Garrett, almost cross-eyed, takes a photo shoot of his beloved ex-girlfriend
Blend Fashion House continues to open its doors throughout the night, and, of course, why not have a party where a employee’s ex boyfriend, 1-800-ASK-GARY’S-KID brings plus four (Alyssa, JJ, Amanda and Alex’s ego)?
- Alex not only flicks (what are we, in middle school?) Robby’s ear but then also slaps/taps/”thatta boy” motions across Robby’s jaw line before bylining it to the open bar.
- Robby tells everyone his teeth are unharmed and that Alex does it because “he has a crush” on him.
- Gotta love the build-up to a liquor- (or in Robby’s case, Coors Light-) infused testosterone fight.
- Alex proceeds to stalk Robby and follows him to the bar, where he tells Robby to “be careful with your words cause I’ll knocking your f***ing fake ass teeth out.”
- Alex, if you want veneers so bad, I’m sure 1-800-ASK-DADDY will buy them for you.
- Robby, before walking away, tells Alex, “It’s good to see you, brother.”
- Alex screams: “He hides behind his money. It’s fine.”
- POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.
- Alex, if you don’t know what that phrase means, Google it.
- Then, as most grown-ass adult conversations go at a grand opening of someone’s BUSINESS, Alex starts yelling about his penis size and comparing it to that of his ex-girlfriend’s most recent ex-boyfriend.
- So glad we could be mature about this.
- Joe, oh Joe, I wish you were on the show more often, approaches King Kompo.
- I blinked or looked down to take notes.
- Alex was being held back by producers? Or something?
- Chloe drinking wine straight from the bottle as this goes down. MOOOOOOOD.
- Kelsey screams at Alex to leave.
- Juliette screams at Alex to leave.
- Juliette leaves and makes her co-workers pick up all the trash (not just talking about literal trash here people).
Juliette goes to her place of employment the next morning, and Courtney still doesn’t fire her. Can we pleaaaaaaase not return to any scenes with Courtney?
Waste of story line and precious Key Note time, peeps.
Next up, we watch Kelsey and Robby slush around green juices while they solidify Kelsey’s job per Robby, saying, “We’re going to use and abuse you.” Did you hear those choice words come through your abnormally white teeth and out your mouth?
Chloe and Madisson swap alcohol for some of the best local coffee at The Reserve. Chloe conjures her master plan to get the group together after asking Madisson to recall when the last time they were all together was, and we were not given anything but a blank stare from our newly single gal pal.
Madisson: “Chloe the peacemaker, who knew?”
Chloe: “Just ‘cause I start the problem, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to fix it.”
Chloe, I wish you had said this with your school-bus-colored-sunglasses on.
- Juliette and Robby meet up at (undisclosed location until further notice as I did not catch it because my eyelids needed a rest).
- Juliette clears the air and tells her ex that her other ex was not invited to the store opening after-hour-non-work work party.
- Robby understand and says, “Some zebras don’t change their stripes.” — Next T-shirt line from Re-blows.
- The two confirm their budding friendship.
Chloe’s text comes to fruition, and the gang gets back together around an incredibly large bonfire.
I’d like to note the following cast members were not there: Jared, JJ, Alyssa, Robby, Kelly, Courtney, Joe, Jake, Cara, Canvas, Hannah, Carson, Paige, Ben and Victoria. (As you can see, Paul was there but later edited out of the scene with NO REASON WHY from our writers or producers and not a peep from the cast IRL or on social media.)
- More champagne? This is going to solve all the gang’s problems.
- Madisson informs her fellow campers of her single status, and Brandon (not hearing much from him in the back-to-back episodes) admires the “heartfelt” message she shared.
- Chloe ignores the moment and goes straight for the bullseye, “Juliette and Alex, I want to say that I’m so sorry that things have gotten so bad between you two.”
I think we might need to work on your delivery, Chlo Chlo.
- Juliette and Alex continue the tragic/emotional/exhausting/boring/overused/somewhat-reatable/is-this-really-being-discussed-again saga of who is in love with whom and who hates whom more and who is Chloe better friends with on that specific day.
- I mentally prepare myself for the absurdity that is Alex Kompo’s degrading, irritating and most importantly ugly laugh.
- He blames Juliette’s emotions on drinking, which, well, yeah, but he probably isn’t legally able to drive a car either?
We have a reenactment of Juliette and Alex’s discussion at White Buffalo Saloon, but in this scene, we have a few different variables:
- They are located outside in the middle of July near a bonfire, more than likely sweating profusely and not at a country bar.
- The entire gang is located 2 feet away from their “private conversation” and not inside a loud country bar.
That’s about all that’s changed since the last time we watched this pan out between the most toxic relationship on the island.
- “Can you please stop trying to hurt me,” Juliette says to Alex while he laughs.
- SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THEY HEARD BRANDON MOCK THE LAUGH.
- Alex says that he isn’t trying to hurt her and … YOU GUESSED IT: He’s trying to move on after she helped him become a better person.
- To which Juliette says, “Glad I could make you a better guy for the next girl, when you went and damaged me for the next guy.”
- I truthfully got like every other word during this duplicate scene.
- Juliette says Alex’s issue with not being loyal is due to his large ego.
Then with no hint in sight, Juliette falls back into her old ways and tells Alex that she misses him as a friend and “its just hard not to have you in my life.”
- Juliette, in between snot-wiping, tells Alex (again) she misses him “so much.”
- Alex tells her it’s “so f***ing hard because f***, man, I probably would jump in front of a bullet for you. … This is the worst thing I’ve gone through in my entire life.”
- Jump … in front of … a bullet.
I wanted to delete the last few paragraphs and type “we’ve seen this before” and fast-forward, but then…
If you don’t watch the show at all and are just reading this for the sheer enjoyment of my empty words, I recommend turning on episode 10 and watch the last 30 seconds.
Our local stars’ faces around the bonfire is truly remarkable.
What did the producers tell them to feel in that moment?
Ah yes, it probably was, “Make the face you think most of our viewers at home are making at this point in the two-hour back-to-back repetitive reenactment of what has already been going on all season.”
Next week: THE TWO-HOUR BACK-TO-BACK REPETITIVE REENACTMENT OF WHAT HAS ALREADY BEEN GOING ON ALL SEASON FINALE.
That’s right, Key-Heads — I’ll catch you next week for the finale (that doesn’t even take place in Siesta Key).