This might the best ending to a reality television’s fourth episode of season three that I’ve ever willingly watched.
I think we can all agree that this has been a tough week — and it’s only Wednesday.
But fear not my loyal Key-heads! I'm here to brighten up your hump day with a little game I like to call, “Did They Actually Post That?”
It’s simple. All you have to do is guess if the posts below have been manipulated in a Kim-Kardashian-West-doesn’t-alter-her-Instagram-photos way or if the images are in fact genuine screenshots presented to us through Key-cult hashtags, retweets and mentions.
First round: Seth Rogen — you know him from movies like “Pineapple Express” and every other comedic film that has graced glazed-over eyeballs in the past decade — hopped in on the "Siesta Key" convo.
FACT: He actually posted that. He took to Twitter acknowledging that he not only watched but also watched enough to specifically highlight the “super bad” (lol) character development of Father Time, Ish.
Second round: A few hours before last night’s episode, the official “Siesta Key” Instagram page unleashed an image with some alarming subtitles.
FACT: They actually posted it. An individual, who has enough experience on his or her resume to produce a show on a major network like MTV, had to remind the cast to SPEAK and do their job. #AndTheOscarGoesTo…
Final round: Although his absence has yet to be discussed anywhere other than his own Twitter page, Paul (you know the troll under the bridge who greased his way onto the first two seasons and has since staged the perfect “Law & Order: SRQ” pilot episode based off of his own true stories) caught us up on his life via Instagram.
FACT: He actually posted that. Not much has changed for this slime ball. I guess after stealing money from his grandmother and 1-800-Ask-(Uncle)Gary, he needed a new hobby involving our local law enforcement.
Thanks for playing, and now back to our regularly scheduled programming of Key Notes.
Our narrator, Juliette, leads us into episode four: “With how rocky the waters have been in the Key lately, it’s only a matter of time before one of us completely loses it.” Was your explosive rosé-fueled performance turned possible police report not classified as losing it?
Juliette starts her first big-girl job at Blend Fashion House, actually located in Southside Village. Could my eyes be playing tricks on me, or are we actually seeing the famous terracotta of Morton’s Market building in the background?
As Jules appears to be quite the qualified entry-level employee in the fashion industry — hands full of extra-sugar-filled cappuccinos and caked-on foundation — we see her aimlessly stand still as her boss, Courtney, in slow-motion, sticks one flared pant leg at a time out of her fancy ride and into the empty store.
We are introduced to the overlaying conflict throughout the hour: Does Juliette go to Greece with her boyfriend, Robby, or does she stay to embark on her “fashion journey”?
C’mon MTV, find a new script. We’ve watched this play before: Lauren Conrad picked her then-boyfriend Jason Wahler over Paris and was branded as “the girl that didn’t go to Paris.”
We push through the recycled MTV story line and suddenly hear another local business shout-out (could it be?) when 1-800-ASK-GARY gifts his son Alex with their newly purchased property, The Crescent Club (founded on the Key in 1949). As I picked my jaw off the ground realizing there’s finally a place that I’ve had a few beers at, here’s what happened next:
- Alex convinces Chloe to leave her real estate job and become manager with the pitch: “You like to drink. What would be a better job?”
- Alex goes into business with Chloe.
- The business partners make a deal to ban Robby and Juliette from the bar.
- Later on, 1-800-ASK-GARY wishes the two well. “Don’t kill one another.”
Next stop on the local bar tour, we arrive at Umbrella’s in Downtown Sarasota, where MVP VICTORIA and, ugh, Cara sit down at the bar (which has one of the best ladies’ night deals around, might I add).
- Cara admits she flirted with Alex at the last whatever-theme party.
- Cara describes Garrett as a guy who “needs a girl that can carry her own bags.” And leave it to MVP Victoria instinctively reply, “You definitely aren’t one of those girls.”
- We are reminded that Cara cheated on Alex when they dated at University of Tampa.
- MVP V speaks on behalf of all viewers, “I’m tired of hearing G. Baby.” (But maybe she’s just tired of hearing you, Cara.)
MTV bundles a series of what I imagine to be a very high number of outtakes for a few minutes of tolerable footage.
- Kelsey stalks a shirtless Garrett at Siesta Key Beach and tells him he looks like a miserable little gym rat.
- Garrett pretends to care about Kelsey and Jared’s primitive tree house smooch.
- Jared might or might not have pulled a condom out of the pool the day after Brandon’s birthday party.
- Amanda finds out that Father Time’s girlfriend has been talking smack.
- Jared tells BG (I guess this is Brandon’s new nickname) and Amanda that he doesn’t know “if Kelsey is the one, but she could be.” FORESHADOWING OF THIS KID GETTING HIS HEART HURT AGAIN.
- Aaaaaand Garrett tells Kelsey to not lead Jared on for too long.
Juliette’s naive post-college world is completely shattered when she asks her boss to lunch (at ANOTHER Sarasota spot, Lemon Tree Kitchen, formerly Louie’s Modern. When they rebranded, I died a bit inside, but I digress), and her boss confronts her about her most recent might-be-featured-on-“Cops” audition tape.
I believe my favorite conversation of the show comes in swinging next.
“We live in a small town,” Courtney states, and Juliette interjects, “Word gets —.” And Courtney stomps on Juliette’s cliche with, “Word has already traveled.”
Welcome back to Sarasota, Jules.
- Juliette proceeds to ask her boss for the days off to fly to Greece, after what you JUST READ happened.
- She offers to bring clothes from the store so her and Robby can #HashtagTheStoreName across the pond like she’s Kendall Jenner (#CheersToTwoKardashianJennerReferences).
- Yet Courtney STILL DOESN’T FIRE HER!
- Juliette goes to Veneers-McGee and asks her BF for advice over this puzzling dilemma.
- Dumpster-diving Robby pulls this bit of wisdom: “I don’t want to tell you to get on your knees and beg. But…”
I’M DONE REVIEWING THIS!
- She goes to Greece.
- The end.
Is it time for a drink?
Amanda and Madisson think so because we meet up with them at — NO FREAKING WAY — another downtown Sarasota location? Sign me up for a daytime visit to Classico anytime (it took me a minute to recognize the joint without a violently loud DJ, Christmas disco lights staged year-round and a line up of older men debating on which girl they should ask to dance), especially with a spicy jalapeño margarita!
- Amanda calls out Madisson for talking shit, “I have a bone to pick with you.” (Way to go, producers, for feeding this line down the hatch!)
- Madisson, needing to work on her delivery this season, “I didn’t mean it as a personal attack. OK, I guess it was personal. As a friend, you’re great. As a hookup, you’re great.”
- The two bicker over if Madisson intentionally meant to list “not dating material” under Amanda’s credentials.
- Madisson attempts to discuss her issues with Ish, but no one cares.
- But yet we have to watch them FaceTime.
- Insert b-roll of Madisson’s dad saying: “Ish is certainly a nice guy. The biggest crime in my eyes is that he likes my daughter.”
At the risk of sounding repetitive, who cares?
We’ve FINALLY arrived at the holy grail of this episode.
This might the best ending to a reality television’s fourth episode of season three that I’ve ever willingly watched.
On the Niña, we have Kelsey, Jared, Amanda and Brandon (BG); on the Pinta sits Alex, Chloe, Madisson and Cara; and lastly, on the Santa Maria rolls in JJ and a few fill-ins wearing bikinis.
- Jared invites Amanda’s ex of three years, JJ (who we find out while wealthy, a total ass).
- Brandon wisely says, “It’s just gonna be boats and exes.”
- Cue cheers of claws from Pinta first mates.
PAUSE. DID ANYONE ELSE VIEW A SLIGHT SIGHTING OF PAULY PAUL? RIGHT SIDE OF THE SHOT BEFORE THEY DEPART FOR SEA?
- Cara tells us she doesn’t need help driving a boat; she’s rich and knows how to.
- Cara cheated her way through college by having other people write her papers.
- Chloe spoke the truest words I’ve ever heard from her mouth: “It’s a skill to drink in the sun.”
- Tell that to Jared, who is as red as my hair within minutes of setting sail.
In comes new character JJ on his orange rocket speedboat, presenting wakeboarding as an afternoon activity to the newly conjugated and always tipsy passengers of the Niña and Pinta.
- Amanda smiles the way we know a girl smiles when she still loves a (cheating) boy.
- Brandon, bless his heart, tries to wakeboard (and fails).
- Amanda tells JJ that she’s “just trying to have a good time” this summer.
Alex relishes in the freedom of Single Town (not for long, Dad! #spoiler) but instantly transforms into a mischievously lost puppy as he plops himself next to Cara.
Now for all of us Key-heads who reside locally, by the angle of the sun in this scene, we can presume that everyone is at least six to 10 adult beverages deep, depending on when they started consuming spiked seltzers, mixed in with the sweltering Siesta Key summer sun = a cranky cast.
- Cara says Garrett is the “first one” she hasn’t been unfaithful to and commends herself.
- Cara points her finger at Alex and states, “If I’ve learned anything from hanging out with you guys, it’s to stop cheating and stop lying because people will find out.”
- Alex tells Cara he knows that she cheated on Garrett.
And when I say all hell breaks loose, I mean Cara pulled the assumed MTV-contracted-paperwork-chains right off of her crochet bathing suit top and rapidly morphed into a New Jersey housewife ready to flip a table.
- “Oh Alex, HONEY, no.” (This is the third time she says HONEY in this episode, so three drinks for you!)
- She physically pats herself on the back for not cheating on her ex-boyfriend.
She goes in again for those gut-wrenching digs at the cast.
- “I actually graduated, unlike everyone here.” Get a new line, CARA.
- “People here don’t have a moral compass.” Um, I have a moral compass, and it’s pointing to you being a see you next Tuesday, CARA.
- She tells Alex to go get Chloe, so she can perform a sexual act on him. HOW DID YOU END UP HERE, CARA?
But then, just when I was least expecting it, Seth Rogen’s tweet comes to life as the fourth wall shatters yet again, and we are reintroduced to producers, camera crew and other staff members as they try to calm down crumbling Cara.
Cara turns to Alex and says: “It’s called f***ing slander. Did you go to school?”
This is the most painful sentence to write: Alex Kompothecras is enrolled in law school and correctly responds, “Cara, there are five elements of slander.”
I Googled it.
She hair-flips and pivots to the producers to yell, “You guys wanted to know if I’m done, and now I’M DONE.”
They have a getaway boat ready to load any patrons willing to leave the Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria, and to be honest, I never thought it would have been Cara jumping ship first.
The crew pulled her from the show on a standby boat. Does anyone else think that there was more to the story than what we saw?
MTV, give the people what they want!
As I found myself speechless, brainstorming how on Earth I would wrap this scene up in a pretty bow and present it to you, my loyal readers. I had a second to pray that we wouldn’t succumb to the same old poorly chosen clips of next week’s episode.
But I was wrong.
We were left with Madisson (of all people?) telling us, “Cara left Siesta Key.”
Total transparency: I’m extremely disappointed by Cara’s exit scene. Between her fiery (nondesirable) ability to spitball degrading comebacks, have the Key boys follow her around as if she had them on a leash and her relentless tendency to put everyone in the room beneath her soapbox, I FOR SURE thought we had an “Armageddon”-meets-“Maleficent”-inspired ending on the horizon.
Dear Cara, I hope you find someone who loves your nose job as much as you talked about your nose job.
See you next week, Key-heads — same place, same time.