After six weeks of being in a noncommitted but please-don’t-leave-me-yet relationship with you, my fellow Key-heads, I think it’s time that I came clean, start being honest and take a moment to tell you something I haven’t told a single soul — not even my mom.
I think I might genuinely (as I swallow my pride) enjoy one of the cast members.
I would be lying if I said I’ve never dreamed of having detailed discussions about tattoos, conversing passionately about cats and high-fiving over how 20-something girls in Siesta Key can be petty as hell while sharing Sarasota-based slices and toasting one another with alcoholic seltzers.
Not that I know this one cast member personally, but they appear to be a decent human being who lives life unphased by the production crew filming every single move (and persistent blindside breakup processes). In fact, this Key kid references real life lessons while providing comedic relief since arriving onto the island.
You (think you) know him, you (might or might not) love him, but at the end of the day, Jared is a Key player worthy of a spotlight and I freaking adore his presence.
He likes, no, loves his cat. Me-ow.
He makes fun of Robby (with no shame and no limitations).
He shows off his tattoos while drinking beer at local establishments.
He’s a veteran.
He doesn’t put up with girls who treat him like trash.
And he recently commented on my Instagram post. (I sadly am still waiting for my ‘za-loving fave to respond. No hard feelings have developed — yet.)
Each week I write these intro paragraphs before the show and the fact that Tuesday morning, when Jared took over the Siesta Key Instagram, I learned we would be celebrating his birthday this week, well — let’s say I was cheesing hard and excited to take a bite out of this episode.
Let’s get at it.
Juliette drags us into her post-Robby part of the season with “single Jules is the best Jules.” I mean, at least we won’t hear T-shirt slogans until our ears bleed for the remainder of the season, but I sense the rat Robby isn’t far.
- Juliette and Kelsey hit up Gym SRQ.
- Kelsey speaks a mantra I wish I had the guts to follow the day after drinking at White Buffalo (in last week's episode): “It’s all about balance.”
- Kelsey sh*t’s on Jared’s reaction of her flaunting her new relationship. #MessyKelsey
- Juliette reminds us yet again that she’s single and bitter by saying she’s “fine talking to Alex” but doesn’t want to talk to Alyssa and Alex.
Slide into the next sandwiched scene where we see Alyssa cutting Chloe’s hair at her temporary salon.
- Chloe calls out Alyssa for blushing and therefore “liking Alex a lot.”
- Alyssa confirms that they are not yet boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever that means in 2020.
- Chloe, the butterfly effect friend, says Juliette brings the “worse out in Alex.”
And we flip back to the makeup-less featured gym scene (false lashes still making an appearance) where Juliette claims her and Alex were on the phone for six hours.
I don’t think I could even have a pizza date with Jared for six hours. OK, here I go lying again. Yes, I could.
- Back at the salon, Alyssa says that she isn’t putting up with Juliette’s act much longer.
- Flash over to the gym, and Kelsey calls Alex, “dog sh*it … in a bag … on fire.”
Nicely played, Kelsey. That is all the kudos you will be getting from me until you make things right with Jared.
- Amanda and BG skateboard under the Ringling Bridge (and I will give someone $5 to say they have ever actually done that).
- Amanda admits she too is a “social butterfly” when it comes to fluttering her wings between BG and JJ.
- Amanda is “hanging out with everybody having a good time,” which clearly means something I don’t feel comfortable writing on my amazing company’s website.
We are held up at gunpoint and all forced to watch Robby’s failed attempts at making his business a thing in the Sarasota area by hosting the ever-original “white” party.
- Kelsey convinces Juliette to attend her ex’s white, oh, and Grecian-inspired party.
- Juliette and Kelsey say the word “confrontation” like they just learned in on their Word of the Day calendar page.
- We’ll get back to that hellhole later.
Madisson makes another failed attempt at being one of the leading ladies in the show this week. Leave it to Chloe to help pull her out from Father Time’s death trap.
- The girls meet at RIP Lelu coffee shop.
- Madisson falls victim to the must-see-it-once-in-every-coming-of-age-television-show pregnancy scare.
- Juliette comes in clutch with a voice-over description of Madisson’s potential baby-grandfather-but-the-real-father Ish being their “old producer, I mean ex producer.”
- Madisson sobs her way into a decent segment about debating if her lover would even want to be involved at 102 when Madisson would give birth to their unborn children.
- Chloe tells her to suck it up and go to Walgreens like a real 20-something.
Robby crashes this party with a pathetic one of his own.
- Ten individuals who he paid to attend (seeing as it was a “work party”) dance on the two-by-four planted in the backyard of NOT Robby’s home.
- Juliette makes things awkward and confirms that she “wasn’t planning” on talking to her ex-“Bachelor”-ex-boyfriend, but there are “a lot of things” she should do.
- Off the Hook Seafood Company is seen on branded cups throughout the pathetic parade of Robby employees.
- Kelsey “doesn’t want to mess up the work relationship” she has with Jake but sticks her tongue down his throat at a 180-degree angle in front of all her coworkers.
We finally get to leave this party and catch up with the soon-to-be-birthday boy and another one of Kelsey’s exes, G-Baby.
- G-Baby is beyond relatable referencing his hangover at Ringling Bridge: “If I throw up, at least we’re next to the water.”
- Did Ringling Bridge sponsor this episode?
- Jared reigns supreme and says that the night at White Buffalo “sucked ass. Kelsey and Jake were flirting right in front of me. … [I] felt super disrespected.”
- Jared adorably smiles. OK, now my friendship is lending itself to a creepy, stalker crush when he talks about his birthday.
- And wait — Alex, like are we talking about the same Alex who HATED this kid, now wants to throw Jared a — I’m sorry — birthday party?
- More on that confusion later.
- Jared talks about his ex-wife and the tradition they share on his birthday (and all I can say is, this B better not break his heart).
- Anyone want to take a second to commend G-Baby on his facial expression once Jared tells him that his ex-wife and him still you know … do things?
- “There’s a reason that you were put in each other’s lives,” G. Baby, reading cue cards, says to Jared.
We’re taken to some sort of pharmacy that allowed MTV to shop in their aisles, where Madisson grabs a pregnancy test in slow motion, FaceTimes Ish with dramatic music slowing down the inevitable conversation and — commercial break. Then we’re back after watching “Teen Mom” promos to find out Madisson’s not pregnant. This paragraph is too long a recap.
- Chloe tests poor and rich mojitos with Alex at Crescent Club.
- The alcohol goes right to Alex’s head as he sends Robby screenshots of Juliette’s texts to Alex declaring that Robby was a mistake (uh, duh) and that she still loves Alex.
- We witness another slow montage paired with some sort of one-hit-wonder as we’re forced to go back to the re-stupid party and see Robby confront Juliette about the texts Alex just sent him.
- Juliette whines and word vomits the most ridiculous line” “Well, you didn’t see the things he was sending me prior to that.”
- Juliette claims she’s an “empathetic person” and that she thinks it “killed” Alex to see her and Robby together.
Robby, getting dumped all over again, asks Juliette what her favorite part of their relationship was (who does this mid second-time break up?) because his was when they watched “The Office” together until 5 a.m.
Robby, that was one of my favorite pastimes with my ex-boyfriend who I dated when I was 20. If THAT is the highlight of your relationship, maybe it’s time to put your big boy pants on, get a real job and get to stepping off the Key. But I digress…
Juliette responds with, “we had sex on an airplane.”
And BOOM, reality sits in that this chick was all about the ‘gram Robby, not you — DAMN.
I will never go back on my word of accusing this creep to be the worst thing that has ever happened to reality television, but when he wishes Juliette finds happiness, and she response with “Oh, I will,” I wanted to backhand her through the television. At least give him a rose on the way out, girl.
- Amanda, Madisson and Chloe get their nails done, drink mimosas and discuss Madisson’s failed (yay!) test.
- Amanda calls out BG for going to the re-stupid party by saying a friend should never go to a party who “did some dirty” to her — whaaaaaaaatever that means.
“Siesta Key” producers now fill this time with b-roll of some bad tan lines, water sports, long walks on the beach and then an aerial shot of the Kompo McMansion as we descend into the preparation of what is the first pool party of the season for the one, the only, the Pizza Kings Birthday.
- 1-800-ASK-GARY and 1-800-ASK-GARYS-WIFE pour the tea while late risers Alex and Alyssa flock from their chambers.
- Alyssa says Juliette is trying to “weasel her way” back to Alex and that she will “confront her” if she shows up to the birthday party.
- Alex has to clarify with 1-800-ASK-GARY, “I’m not going to hit a girl, Dad.”
- 1-800-ASK-GARY hilariously reminds the kids to “not drink too much.”
Let’s call a spade a spade, and to quote my dear friend Katie Johns, “I think we should email MTV and offer to ‘write this show’ because if they can’t even find halfway decent people to write something other than recapping the scene we watched literally two months ago, then we can CRUSH it.”
And Katie, while we were busy rewatching last week’s episode this week, we could have allotted time to write the most amazing storyline that dove deep into how Alex went from wanting to bash in Jared’s face in to throwing him a palooza palace pool party in a matter of one season — because truth is, WE DIDN’T GET A SINGLE ANTECDOTE as to how this now friendship entered into existence.
But here we stand at the Kompo’s, butts everywhere (shocked that we can actually view these shots the camera is recording without any blurred imagery), flashy cars lined up for Jared’s birthday party, wondering how on earth we arrived in the first place.
- Alex toasts to Jared.
- Juliette shows up looking like a damn fool in yellow sunglasses (sorry, Chloe, I know they are yours), and Alyssa asks Alex if he’s OJ, to which the new pair establishes, “Does our vibe ever get ruined?” OH PLEASE, HONEYMOONERS.
- Kelsey gifts Jared a birthday card and a stuffed cat and asks “We good?” on his freaking birthday. Girl, don’t mess with my man.
More girls in bikini tops and barely there bottoms grace our screen.
- Jared finds his way to Madisson, who, leave it to her, brings down the mood and asks about his divorce.
- WHY IS JARED A TARGET FOR SAD CONVOS?
- Jared admits that he “wasn’t ready” for marriage but that his ex-wife seems readily available because she “hasn’t dated anyone since” their divorce.
I don’t know about you Key-heads, but there is a part of me thinking that this relationship between Jessica and Jared (blessed be the ex-lovers-still-lovers-but-maybe-once-a-year) could be a storyline I could get behind.
That being said, I’ll wait until next week’s episode to crush my dreams.
- Amanda tells BG she feels “disrespected” that he went to Robby’s re-bummer party.
- Phone gate recap where Juliette continues to say Robby threw Amanda’s phone in the OCEAN when she lives next to the INTERCOASTAL.
- Savage Amanda is not fed lines from producers and rants, “He’s a thief, and he robbed one of your friends.”
- BG finally grows a pair and tells Amanda that HE feels “disrespected” when she has been two-timing him with JJ.
Disrespected — perhaps featured on the Word of the Day app the entire Key cast downloaded before filming this episode?
- Amanda claims that she is not “going to hook up with multiple people at the same time.” LIES.
- Amanda also says, “In the end, you’ll find out who your real friends are.”
Or in Amanda’s case, in the end, she’ll find out who she likes sleeping with more.
- Jared smushes his face into his Everything Bundt Cake.
- So. Many. White. Claws.
- More butts.
Jared leaves his birthday party, full of single women, bundt cakes and an obscene amount of alcohol as his phone rings, gifting him the birthday present he had been waiting for and, in my opinion, not that it matters, he deserved.
- Jessica, his ex-wife, tells Jared she’s visiting the Key.
- Jared GENUINELY smiles and says that he will “make sure we have the best time.”
- I can’t wait for next week’s pizza-filled, happy-Jared, Jessica-if-you-suck-I’ll-take-you-down episode.
- Jared not playing it cool and tells his ex-wife he was waiting for her call all day. (Someone has got to teach this guy how to play hard to get!)
- They say “I love you” before they hang up — awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
- Jared’s final scene of his birthday party is of him crying in the mansion after they hung up. Someone get this guy a claw and a slice of pizza!
I wish that I could say that’s the end to Episode 7.
- Quick glimpse of Amanda making out with JJ in the pool.
- Juliette says its “awkward” to be at the party — that’s the smartest thing you’ve said all day, sweetie!
- Kelly, my new favorite cameo, tells Jules that she is “enabling” Alex’s behavior and that she needs to block his number.
While Kelsey and Kelly try to cool Juliette’s jets about A-squared, it all goes in one ear and out the other — surprise! If this season could be summed up into two statements, it would be:
- Juliette ignores anyone besides her own voice of no-reason.
- Whose birthday party are we watching this week?
And with that intermission stated, we find Juliette strutting herself over to Alex (while I simultaneously hope Jared has stopped crying and is enjoy these booties, claws and pizza):
- Alex asks why Juliette doesn’t have a drink, fair question.
- Juliette calls out Alex for sending the screenshot of texts to the rat Robby and that “she trusted him” with those texts.
- Alex claims that he has “different feelings” than what Juliette thinks he has and that he “loves her as a friend.” Woof.
- Alex’s backward way of stating why he sent Robby the texts makes absolutely no sense, and I won’t waste your time on trying to decode it.
- I lose interest in this fight and want to see some real name-calling, some hair-tugging, some “Jerry Springer” drama!
Hold my drink as Alyssa, the gorgeous dark angel, glides down to her man.
- She beautifully mutters the words: “Can I butt in? What are you doing? What are your boundaries?”
- Oh my god, I think I found a new queen of the Key.
Then as she rises from the dust, a-few-drinks-in Juliette confronts her ex-hairdresser and says, “You’re OK with him telling me that he still loves me?”
And I see the dark angel fall — but not for long.
I feel like I need to explain myself for feeling so passionate about what Alyssa mutters next. This woman is strong, appears to be on the show for Alex and, like myself, gets a headache from the childlike banter. She’s proven to be more mature than the others and absolutely beautiful, and she is my new Key girl. Sorry Jules, buh-bye.
The queen declares: “I’m just over the behavior. I’m done. I’m over it. I want you to leave.” She turns her head to her boo as her hair full-of-body waves to the haters, and she says, “Don’t you think it’s time for her to go?”
Drowning Juliette comes up for one last breath and claims when Alex and her talked at 3 a.m., he promised her he wouldn’t kick her out of the house, blah blah, of which Queen Alyssa throws her talisman down and says: “Please pull up your psycho phone calls. We would love that.”
The rage in Juliette’s blue, green, hazel?-whatever color eyes turns redder than my hair with fury as she shoves the king of the Key into his parents’ top-notch infinity pool. But not before Juliette claws at Alyssa, ripping her crisp-winter-white bathing suit top, then scurries away to her flock of drunken babes.
- Juliette brags about ripping Alyssa’s top.
- Alyssa says that she “f***ing hates” Juliette.
- Juliette’s clan confirms what we’re thinking: “The same thing always happens” when Alex antagonizes Jules.
- Alex hugs his new queen and commends her on always being such a good sport.
Alyssa clings to her thrown and looks down onto this once-ruler-turned-peasant Jules with pity and whispers: “Does this make you happy? To be that kind of girl?” And Alyssa casts her spell upon the Kompo residents and throws Juliette out on her butt behind the gates.
But first, a new gate opens — glasses gate.
Juliette, wearing the glasses she stole from Chloe, bends them in half and throws them into the crowd, where they stay put until sunset and as Episode 7 comes to an absurd end.
Someone needs to tie those glasses to Amanda’s phone in the ocean — I mean, intercoastal — so we never have to see them again.
What do we have to look forward to in Episode 8?
- I was so bored with this episode that I forgot that a sneak peak comes afterward.
- Juliette said something about not being taken seriously, LOL.
- Amanda told JJ to not be jealous at the Crescent Club.
- Alex gets caught in a lie and tells Alyssa who says “she’s done,” but we know DAMN STRAIGHT that isn’t the truth.
Until then, my trusty Key-heads.