The third episode of MTV's locally-shot reality series featured an uneventful booze cruise, a shockingly civil reconciliation and a teary bayside talk between the formerly sole stable couple on the show.
This week, not a lot happened on “Siesta Key” — or did it?
With the multitude of commercial breaks and the swiftness of its scenes that don’t even last the full duration of one of the sugary pop songs playing in the background, it’s sometimes hard to keep up with “Siesta Key.”
I found myself looking down at my phone at 10:30 p.m. and then again at 10:59 p.m., and both times I was surprised by how much time had passed — had it really been 30 minutes since I last wished Alex Kompothecras would permanently lose speaking privileges? (Just kidding — that’s every time he speaks.)
This episode managed to pack in a lot of new and/or developed plot points without the probably fake drama that made us roll our eyes the first two episodes, so let’s review the highlights:
— Kelsey and Chloe make fun of Garrett’s adorably romantic six-month anniversary picnic and present and Chloe foreshadows the inevitable wave of jealousy that will soon wash over Garrett and his abs when he watches Alex hit on his girlfriend.
— Through Kelsey’s painfully unnatural narration, we learn that Alex has been “low-key texting and flirting” with her behind Garrett’s back (shocker).
—Alex has another awkward Facetime (can we all please imagine the scheduling that went behind that? “Okay, Alex, make sure you’re sitting on your bed and only wearing swim trunks at X time so you can make amends with one of your four love interests”) but this time it’s with former beau Madisson, who tells him she felt disrespected at Brandon’s bonfire because of his comments about their former sex life (cue slow claps because finally, a girl who demands a tiny amount of respect from boys on this show). Alex, to our surprise, acknowledges his mistake and apologizes — probably because he misses said sex life.
—Chloe explodes at her mom and storms out of the restaurant they’re eating at — Social Eatery & Bar, we think — when she tells Chloe she thinks she has an anger problem and that it might have something to do with the absence of Chloe’s dad from their life.
—We watch the kind of the classically orchestrated and alcohol-fueled “Siesta Key” party scene that we’ve come to know and love — only this time on a boat! — and it’s most notable not for what occurs but for who isn’t present. The Kompo vessel hosts a more intimate posse for this soiree, including Mr. Seaman Alex, Amanda, Brandon (in his only scene of the whole episode — poor Brandon, apparently all you’re good for is grabbing Amanda’s butt), Kelsey, Garrett, and a couple more unidentified blondes. As Oracle Chloe predicted, Alex flirts with Kelsey in front of Garrett, and in true Alex style, it’s done by fake-teaching her how to steer a boat that’s probably driving in circles. Garrett watches from afar, looking like a sad toy poodle swaddled in a pink tank top.
—Madisson’s dad comforts her before her engineering job interview, which is for a job that’s outside her emphasis area in the field (but Alex’s dad got her the interview...so she’s got some pull). She later attends said interview and looks terrified, eventually telling Alex during a quasi-date “where they met” (AKA on a seaside boulder, so you know, where young love usually begins) that it was a flop.
—Alex opens his letter from Stetson University, which appears to be the only law school he applied to because he thought getting accepted would be a “walk in the park,” only to learn that he was waitlisted. His dad rushes to comfort him by casually dropping the fact that Alex has dyslexia.
—Chloe goes to a therapist to “work on” herself, and it’s revealed that she’s never met her dad — who’s been in and out of jail several times — because her mom left him when she was pregnant with Chloe.
—Garrett hints on a date with Kelsey that he was jealous of Alex during the boat party, which upsets Kelsey, who later tells now-identified-blonde-friend Judy that she needs him to trust her.
—Juliette gets her wisdom teeth pulled and proves it to Alex by opening her mouth in perhaps the least romantic oral movement possible.
—Garrett and his brother Tanner talk about Kelsey — who “could be the one” — but we’re too distracted to remember anything else besides the wonderfully dramatic slow-motion shot of him walking his dog while chatting.
—Chloe ends a phone call with Alex by calling him “babe,” and he by calling her “hun” and it’s so wrong that it’s right (clearly this is the couple that should have been).
—Juliette plays third wheel on a coffee shop armistice that she planned for Amanda and Chloe, who make up after a surprisingly civil discussion of their feelings. Kudos to Chloe for being the mature one here — she somehow is going to remain friends with a girl who punched her in the face.
—Kelsey and Garrett have a serious life chat at Bayfront Park that ends in Garrett’s statuesque hands wiping tears from Kelsey’s eyes after what might have been the most confusing conversation on this show yet. It appears that Kelsey thinks they want different things, and this whole jealousy thing has made her realize that maybe Garrett won’t trust her if she starts modeling internationally again? We think this scene was hard to follow because there was no problem to be fixed in the first place.
—Finally, the climax comes in the last 10 or so seconds when Pauly reveals to Chloe that Amanda and Alex slept together...dun dun DUNNN. We hope the “King of Siesta Key” ends up sticking to one Siesta sweetheart who can get him through this Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission investigation.