The crew goes to the Bahamas, Kelsey and Alex flirt and Juliette throws some serious shade.
This week on "Siesta Key," the cast took a trip to Bimini, and tensions flared as they all stayed under a single roof.
The show opens on everyone packing and Garrett and Kelsey talking to their respective confidantes about their frustrations with each other. Kelsey’s mom tells her to go have fun, and Garret expresses hope that Kelsey will come to her senses and realize how good he is for her.
Cut to the cast in Bimini, drinking from an omnipresent bottle of Champagne. Alex makes a fat joke about Chloe, who said she wants to have a “big dinner” for Amanda on her birthday. Chloe calls him out, thankfully. (Not that it matters, but she is not overweight by any means. Chloe is prettier than most of us could ever hope to be.)
Next starts a theme that continues over the course of the entire episode — Juliette throwing shade at Kelsey, complaining about her being all over Alex and insulting her behind her back to pretty much everyone on the trip.
Chloe says that after the Gatsby Gala, Kelsey and Alex definitely hooked up, because Amanda, who was looking for her phone in Alex’s room with her date, saw her in there with her own two eyes and said they were both naked. Chloe calls Kelsey “sketchy” and Juliette calls her “pathetic,” because she won’t just admit to a huge group of people she barely knows whether she cheated on her boyfriend with one of their best friends. No one is concerned that Alex won’t admit to it.
After a strange exchange, in which Brandon asks Madisson to get a couple’s massage with him for their second date (is this what life is like when you’re 22 and were raised on Siesta Key?), the cast gathers for a group dinner where everyone is awkwardly munching on edamame. Juliette is almost twitching every time Alex and Kelsey look at each other, so she asks if she’s supposed to “suck on” the edamame to draw attention to her. Pauly presses Kelsey for details on her relationship with Garrett, asking if their mutual decision to end it is the whole story. And Alex makes another fat joke about Chloe wanting a “big dinner,” prompting her and all of the girls to stand up and walk out.
This is about when we felt like turning the show off, but we didn’t because of our loyalty to our readers. You’re welcome.
Chloe, Juliette, Kelsey and Madisson all gather in a living room somewhere, and Chloe vents about Alex. She says that she is confident in her skin, but when someone who is supposed to be her best friend makes her feel like an Oompa Loompa, it’s hard. She starts crying, and an awkward group hug temporarily displaces any hard feelings between anyone.
Juliette talks to Pauly, showing how vulnerable she still is when it comes to Alex. She reveals that she wants him back — shocking, I know — but asks Pauly what she can do if he’s interested in Kelsey.
“It’s Alex’s world, and I’m just living in it,” she said.
In brief reprieve from the Alex-Kelsey-Juliette love triangle, we get the extreme honor of seeing Madisson and Brandon’s couple’s massage. Brandon asks Madisson if she wants kids and to get married while, in true Brandon fashion, trying to get her to commit to carrying “his seed” and marrying him. We’ll hold while you try not to puke.
Chloe tries to force Kelsey into saying if she and Alex slept together by telling her she won’t tell anyone else whatever she admits to. Kelsey is tight-lipped, obviously.
Chloe tells Alex to stop making fat jokes, and he evades and makes excuses and tells her to take a joke. She doesn’t relent, thankfully, and holds him accountable. Eventually he says “fine” like a 4-year-old and says he won’t do it again.
How big of him.
Then he goes and asks Kelsey to dinner for the following night. Steam might have actually poured out of Juliette’s ears.
Amanda arrives, and everyone is thrilled. They all go out to a club that night, and we get to see the most rowdy series of shots we’ve seen so far — the first pool party was tame compared to this. Pauly is drinking straight from a bottle of something, all the girls are in a line grinding on each other and Madisson and Brandon are making out pretty intensely in a corner somewhere.
At one point, Kelsey leaves the dance floor to bring Alex on. She holds out her hands to him, and Juliette, on the couch nearby, audibly says “no no no.” Everyone laughs, because what?? And Kelsey and Alex go dance. Later, they’re sitting at the bar, and Juliette comes over to tell Alex she would like to leave. Alex says, “Okay, I’ll live.” Maybe the King of Siesta Key is finally done with her.
In the cold light of day it’s more of the same. Amanda confronts Kelsey about her presumed night with Alex; Juliette awkwardly confronts Alex about his date with “the new girl,” mostly embarrassing herself again; Kelsey and Alex go out, and she asks him for details on his relationship with Juliette; the rest of the cast go out to dinner and they talk about Kelsey again.
The show ends on the final morning. Pauly is in the kitchen doing whatever Pauly does when no one else is around, but he approaches Alex’s room with a camera following him. Inexplicably, he then opens Alex’s closed door and everyone starts yelling. Lo and behold, someone is in his bed … and it’s Juliette. Surprise! She covers her face and runs out the door.
As everyone packs up, Chloe tells Juliette she’s tired of her drama with Alex, and Kelsey confesses to Madisson that she’s worried about seeing Garrett again.
Juliette’s final voiceover pretty much sums up her entire role for the show:
“Kelsey may have owned the day, but I own the night. And that’s all that ever counts with Alex.”
- Cassidy Alexander