I was hoping for some sort of “Game of Thrones” moment here, but NOPE.
I successfully crawled my way out of the inevitable Super Bowl hangover — the annual event where common folk, like myself, are found shoveling mayo-based dips in our mouths, flushing the caloric feast down the hatch with a bounty of beer and after half-time simultaneously texting, retweeting or internally questioning, "Why don't I look like J.Lo?" while heading to the dessert table for one more brownie.
Meanwhile, some of the “Siesta Key” cast boarded a private jet from Sarasota to Miami (holy jet lag!) to cheer on East County graduate Austin Reiter, who currently plays for the Super Bowl Champion Chiefs team — but let's be real, no one went for the actual game, did they?
Juliette made it known to her followers that she was frolicking at the Hard Rock Stadium while following her kryptonite, “Bachelor” contestants, to the after parties.
First, Juliette met up with man-child Tyler Cameron, who's been linked to the real-deal-Instagram-famous Gigi Hadid and Kylie Jenner's BFF Stassi Karanikolaou (Dear Robby, you can't slide into @GigiHadid DMs like you did with @JuliettePorter) and Us Weekly starts rumors.
Rumor mill evidence:
Second, we met the current Bachelor candidate Pilot Pete and, without watching any “Bachelor” episode since 2002 but aggressively following all things pop culture, I'm shocked the pilot didn't make out with tipsy-Jules right then and there.
Lastly, we get insight to Juliette’s “Bachelor”-and-boozed-up Miami weekend as the “Key” girls flooded my feed with self-promotions of their Siesta Key Taco Tuesday minutes before this week’s show aired.
Juliette, crafting her taco: “Dude, I just need to eat food for once.”
Chloe, recording for the Siesta Key Instagram live story, “Juliette, did you have fun in Miami?”
Juliette, in full-throttle-hangover mode, “Oh girl, I don’t want to talk about it.”
So that's what you missed IRL from the “The Bachelor” “Siesta Key” cast this week.
Now, I give you Key Notes...
Juliette revisits last week’s episode, which you could also just read here.
Amanda, Chloe and Madisson find another desolate spot on the world-famous Siesta Key Beach (why don’t I have this luck?) and plop their tan bods down while discussing Cara Gate, in case you missed Juliette’s recap … or mine.
- Amanda shares she’s keeping both BG and JJ because she needs “her options” (and she only hooks up with guys whose nicknames consist of two letters).
- Chloe calls out Cara’s behavior: “You don’t lose it like that if you aren’t guilty.” PREACH.
- Amanda graciously accepts the title of being Florida trash.
- We witness a new premise for a “Siesta Key” episode — ANOTHER PARTY???
- We’re reminded of PHONE GATE.
- Cara calls Madisson, not quite sure why Madisson is the one to break the news...
CARA HAS LEFT THE KEY AND IS HEADED BACK TO THE ARMPIT THAT IS NEW JERSEY.
- Madisson gives Cara a parting gift by saying, “If I ever go insane, I’d hope you guys would stand by me.” Nice effort there, M.
- JJ and Jared interrupt girls’ day at the beach
- Butt shots and claws lead to Amanda asking Chloe for help to choose between her duo-initial-named “Key” guys.
- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Abruptly, without any sort of build up, absolutely no dramatization or detailed cinematic back story, Alyssa is introduced to Key-heads as the girl whom “Alex is dating.”
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
MTV, you have the opportunity to drop the biggest news of the Godforsaken show, and you bring it to your loyal fans the same way Alex delivered the flipping cheese board? BLAND AND BORING.
We demand new writers who will comply to our simple request to redo Alyssa’s understated introduction.
Each week we watch these episodes flashbacking last week’s episode that WASTE OUR PRECIOUS KEY MINUTES but don’t implement any intricate lead-up to Alex Kompo’s new gal pal? Weak sauce.
- Alyssa’s hair, as a hairdresser, truly looks flawless in her first scene.
- Wine flowing, cheese board not rocking off the boat, sweet date scene
- Flashback to Juliette making fun of her relationship with her hairdresser (womp, womp).
- Alex admits that Juliette will be salty when she sees Alyssa at the party.
- Alyssa feeds Alex green grapes as the sun sets.
Juliette speaks the truth to us (and Kelsey) for the first time all season: “I think I got caught up with my new guy and hurt my friends in the process.” Welcome to ground control, little lady.
- Kelsey pours large glasses of wine and asks Jules how her trip to Greece went.
- Juliette says cameras were with them the whole time, she was in every picture, they stayed a hotel “out of this world,” and that was that. Not a peep about her leech of a boyfriend.
- Kelsey’s wine glass is consumed at a faster rate than Juliette’s.
- Juliette coins, “There are times when Siesta Key is literally hell in paradise.”
This episode we are introduced to Robby’s mates, previously introduced Joe (LOVE THE WRAP!) and Jake.
Moment of truth: I don’t believe those are their real names, just names Robby thought sounded good together for his boy band.
- Jake takes his first scene on “Siesta Key” to a serious route and shares some deep-rooted family health issues.
- And if no one is going to say it, I will: The emotional and very-sad-if-true story of his dad’s ailment might have gotten him into Kelsey’s bed.
- I mean, c’mon, we all saw “Messy Kelsey” give him the “I can’t wait to sleep with you” head tilt paired with the “I’m currently picturing you naked” eyes.
We fade into the BG and Amanda flop of a romance where Brandon, presumptuously high as a kite, goes in for official, “Official” title request.
Personally, they should have started playing N*SYNC’s song “Girlfriend” as BG topped off his hopeful lover’s glass with more dark-colored liquor all the while canoodling in the hot-tub … during the day … in Florida … in the summer.
I felt that hangover enter my body as I typed that last sentence.
I come back to the show I’m supposed to be watching, after vividly envisioning Justin Timberlake and the gang in the middle of a used car parking lot, to hear Amanda shut down BG (yet again two seasons later!): “Can we just see where this goes? Let’s just have fun, you know?”
We knoooooooooooow, Amanda.
Onto another couple that I hope we don’t have to witness for much longer this season, Juliette and Robby (insert some hilarious nickname for him here because I’m so tired of coming with one up. He doesn’t deserve my wit).
- Juliette interrupts his “business call” with Jake, who is probably using another sob story to steal Kelsey from Jared.
- We’re reminded that Robby doesn’t think Juliette should make up with her friends.
- Robby texted Alex Kompo — oooooh weeeeeee, this leads to a doozy.
- “Once upon a time we were boys.” Is he now posing as a kids’ author too?
- Alex and Robby get into it via text, like civilized adults, and it ends with Alex telling Robby, “Don’t ever think about texting me again.”
- Oh, and emojis definitely make an appearance.
- Robby spits out another slogan for his /t-shirt line: “It’s like sitting in the drivers seat and watching life in the rearview mirror.” Why he said this and for what reason, I forgot.
- Juliette tells Robby she is going to go clear the air and talk to Alex.
- Robby’s mature response to her plan of action: “I hate thinking about you in the same vicinity as that kid, and I’m against it.”
So like a badass bitch, she ignores her serial-killer-looking-deadbeat-ex-“Bachelor”-contestant-boyfriend and goes to her ex’s parent’s mansion.
- 1-800-ASK-GARY’S-WIFE makes breakfast for her family in their tiny and in-desperate-need-of-a-remodel kitchen.
- Crescent Club gets a name drop and a promise for a face-lift.
- Juliette arrives at the palace and 1-800-ASK-GARY-AND-GARY’S-WIFE tell Alex to “take the high road.”
Rolling up to her ex’s parent’s mega mansion in her new shiny Benz (later admitting she wanted a Lexus but didn’t have the credit) like a boss, Juliette catches the perfect beach breeze and elegantly flutters her way up the stairs to behead her ex-lover.
Sorry, I was hoping for some sort of “Game of Thrones” moment here, but NOPE.
We’re stuck watching with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb’s inability to establish any sort of purpose for the coveted reunion scene. Someone should have given these two a better briefing before shooting. WHAT A LET DOWN.
“What’s up? I like the new car.”
That. Is. How. The. Conversation. Commences.
- Juliette feels like she’s walking on eggshells around town.
- Alex calls Robby a “f***ing loser.” AGREED, HOME SLICE. Speaking of, where is the pizza this episode?
- Alex admits, “Fine, I’m not over you.” But he is under Alyssa. AY YO.
- “You haven’t found a girl that isn’t as hot as me?” You can only guess who spilled out those humbling words in this discussion.
- Juliette has a temper tantrum and storms off in her pumpkin … sorry, Benz.
And then, out of the woodwork, comes an entirely new concept to the show.
HA, JUST KIDDING KEY-HEADS. We are invited to yet another birthday party full of drunken banter at an open bar at the show’s favorite locale, Sarasota Modern.
Per usual, we see girls and the boys getting ready and discussing the drama.
But in all seriousness, whoever is doing Chloe’s makeup, please tell me ASAP because Chloe girl, you look FLAWLESS. (And yes, this is a 100% genuine statement.)
- Madisson agrees with me that Robby’s veneers and beady eyes make him look like a serial killer.
- Juliette tells Kelsey she talked to Alex, and Kelsey goes, “Why?” LMFAO.
Onto Amanda’s “cocktail attire required” birthday party we go (where there is not one glimmer of Garrett, but he was there)!
- Obviously the hotel has guests floating in the pool behind taping.
- Jake comes out with guns blazing and calls Alex a sociopath.
- We’re inundated with an unnecessary amount of zoomed-in shots of what each cast member is wearing as they exit the car. (Let it be their Lyft, their Mom dropped them off or the car their parents purchase for them.)
- Juliette asks for Chloe’s forgiveness (flashback to rosé rumble) after telling her, “I don’t like showing I care about things.” OMG THIS STORY LINE NEEDS TO END.
- Chloe (Hallelujah!) forgives Juliette and says that they “need to have fun at this party, or Amanda will never forgive us.”
- I adore these life-long friendships.
We’re reminded that Kelsey, though flirting with her boss, Jake, has another fling on the back burner with a different J, Jared. The producers do a swell job of combating the duel of the J’s with a game of ping-pong.
The King of the Key, apparent owner of a bar, law student and only person able to kick Cara of the show, Alex shows up with his new foxy girlfriend, Alyssa, and a present for Amanda.
NEW PHONE, WHO DIS? Part well played in Phone Gate, Mr. Kompo.
Yet again, Alyssa is robbed of her introductory episode because different newcomer Jake hasn’t had his 15 minutes of fame on season three, episode five yet.
- Alex catches words, physically thrown out of Chloe’s mouth among a large group of intoxicated millennials, that Jake thinks Alex is a sociopath.
- Alex attempts to define what a sociopath is and takes WAY too long a pause to be taken seriously in this moment .
- Alex attempts with another dig, “You have bitch written on your forehead” while threatening newbie Jake to fight.
- Kelsey SWOOPS in and pulls Jake from the hotel-pool-side scene.
- “If these guys weren’t here, you’d be pissing your pants,” is how Kompo ends that let-down of a potential-brawl.
- Kelsey and Jake flirt at the indoor purple-lit bar.
- Jake uses his fighting words in reference to the dispute with Alex: “If he hits me, I’m taking Daddy’s money.” This guy can ALSO pack his bags with Robby and leave at any time!
- Poor Jared plays dumb as to what is going on as Kelsey tells Jake, “Yes I care about you, a**hole.”
The curtains open to the last and final scene of PHONE GATE.
- Amanda confronts Juliette about her missing phone.
- Juliette tells Amanda that Robby threw her phone into the ocean.
- Juliette’s reasoning for not telling Amanda that she knew what Robby did to her personal belongings: “With everyone hating Robby, I didn’t know what to do.”
Just gonna leave that one be.
- Amanda reminds Juliette that she has been there for her always.
- Juliette says “sorry” for the 1292473240273432745236th time this episode.
- Amanda forgives Juliette and tells her, “I feel like this is going to teach you a really good lesson.”
In today’s classroom with Ms. Amanda and Ms. Juliette, we learn to always lie to our friends, especially when we know that someone else steals our friends’ property, and then once we are backed into a corner at another birthday party we didn’t want to go to, that’s when we should prolong the truth until we just … can’t … lie … anymore.
Lastly, we see Alyssa back on screen and hear her surprisingly lower-octave voice that we have been patiently waiting five episodes for.
- The dark angel walks up to Juliette and says, “heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey.”
- Juliette calls Alyssa out for blow-drying her hair a month ago and not making mention of her relationship with Alex.
- Alyssa shoots direct: “We have so much fun together. I feel like you’re happy with Robby too, no?” I do love a back-handed-but-served-up-front-face-first-pseudo-compliment.
Alex destroys the only glimmer of hope this episode had, and once again we are forced to watch the Kompo-Jules show as Alyssa smooches Alex then flaps her wings to the bar and tells the other ladies waiting for their vodka soda with extra lime, “I didn’t realize how fake Juliette is.”
- Juliette fills Alex in on why she didn’t invite Robby (for all of our sakes).
- Alex tells Juliette he didn’t cheat on her.
- Alex also tells Juliette, “You made a big mistake.” (ROBBY = MISTAKE)
Hair-stylist-turned-Kompo-baby-mama (c’mon everyone knows) interrupting the unappealing “Alex said, Juliette said” show snatches her right to the throne and victoriously states, “Alex, I think its time to go.” And he follows her into the abyss of the Sarasota Modern hotel bar by confirming, “F*** no, I don’t love Juliette.”
Next week we enter Sarasota’s White Buffalo Salon, witness a hopeful-single Juliette crying (SHOCKER!), Alex leaving dark-angel Alyssa at the bar, and stumped-all-the-time Jared is left heart-broken once more (hopefully with a big pizza pie).
Until then, my loyal Key-heads.
Join the Neighborhood! Our 100% local content helps strengthen our communities by delivering news and information that is relevant to our readers. Support independent local journalism by joining the Observer's new membership program — The Newsies — a group of like-minded community citizens, like you. Be a Newsie.