Someone, please get Juliette a book deal to her first novel titled, “Timeless Cliches to Use When He Doesn’t Understand It’s Him, Not You.”
The “Key” kids IRL this week felt slightly relatable through the screen of my iPhone 8. (Yeah I know, it’s time for an upgrade — must have been how Juliette felt the whole time she was dating Robby.)
Amanda and Garrett went butt-to-butt for Top Key Butt. What ,you’ve never posted a poll to Instagram asking the world to judge two of your closest friends’ booties?
Juliette felt the pain of traveling during season in the Sarasota area. Stars! Their just like us.
Chloe made it rain after Madisson’s birthday party (which I’m sure we will see in Season 4) while wearing a jean jacket because what millennial isn’t wearing a jean jacket at least once a week (and if applicable, waving a wad of cash)?
Alyssa turned her back on the haters (mirroring the way I feel I look while singing Halsey’s latest songs while stuck in the same traffic as Juliette).
And lastly, @SiestaKey posted on social media that Robby threw Amanda’s phone in the ATLANTIC OCEAN.
I don’t feel like I even need to say this, but here I go anyway: Unless Robby’s arms extend the width of Florida (with this guy I’m sure he thinks it’s possible) Phone Gate took place near the GULF OF MEXICO. Now MTV, please stop letting Robby run the Siesta Key account.
Let’s get to why we are all here, this week’s episode of “Siesta Key,” shall we?
I’ve learned to mute the television until I’m certain Juliette’s recap of last week’s episode is over because we are force-fed recaps for 51% of the show anyway.
Hannah (someone from Juliette’s college days, not important), Kelly (I think Juliette’s coworker, again, maybe slightly more important) and Kelsey flip into a pool as they wait for Juliette to come over and recap (the word recap should be fixed into a drinking game for this column) hot gossip from Amanda’s birthday party. Meanwhile, we’re tangled with Alex and Alyssa in bed. Then from one house shot to the next, we watch:
- Alyssa brings Alex coffee in bed with a full face of makeup and false lashes.
- Hannah sides with Jake’s one-word “sociopath” descriptor for Alex.
- Juliette applauds herself for not drinking and doing “good” at Amanda’s birthday.
- Alyssa gets the vibe that Juliette is not over Alex.
- Alex calls Juliette “a ticking time bomb” who, if drinks are involved, “can get pretty violent.”
- Alyssa says she can handle her — FORESHADOWING ANYONE?
- Juliette extends the lifespan of Phone Gate and drops the truth bomb to the poolside beauties.
- And she continues to spill the tea that she wants to break up with Robby.
- Best. Line. Ever: “This is not a good day for Robby.”
I CAN’T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT. AND WHAT SUCKS IS I KNOW I HAVE TO WATCH INSIGNIFICANT SCENES UNTIL I ARRIVE AT THIS GLORIOUS MOMENT THAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I SAW THE SOON-TO-BE-EX-COUPLE’S “FIRST OFFICIAL” INSTAGRAM POST LAST SUMMER.
- Jared brings pizza to Brandon’s dad’s house.
- Brandon, Jared and Garrett relish in the fact they all have girl issues.
- Jared read my recap last week and agreed that Amanda only likes guys with two letter names.
- Garret — oh God I can’t type this without laughing — tells us Cara “is gone now.”
- Jared tells us — and it breaks my heart to bare witness to his naive tendencies — that things with Kelsey are “going fine.” Maybe he borrowed the rose-colored glasses Juliette was wearing earlier this season?
We are reassured of Kelsey’s inability to stick to one “Key” guy.
- Jake and Kelsey paddleboard, which happens to be the most asinine form of transportation.
- Kelsey aloud says that Jared is “a great guy” (nails on the coffin there) but likes Jake.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- The boss and employee kiss, and BOOM, Jared’s only loyal relationship is with pizza.
This episode featured some local Sarasota establishments, which I always love seeing but wish the acting within these scenes paralleled that feeling.
- Blast from the past: Courtney, Juliette’s boss/ex-boss/whatever, meets up with Jules at Sarasota’s Lila to discuss the job we all know Juliette is going to get back.
- That’s about all I care to discuss about that, figured Lila deserved the nod.
Second stop on the locale train, we head over to Siesta, where Alex and Chloe renovate Crescent Club.
- We are shown a “mission board” drawing TWICE that I’m praying wasn’t actually illustrated by Alex or Chloe and rather a first grader figuring out whether they were left- or right-handed.
- Chloe drags in her prior real estate knowledge noting the curb appeal for the club is “great.”
- We recap Amanda’s party … again.
- Alex calls Jake “Robby’s little monkey.”
- Alex was shocked that Juliette “acted like she had her sh*t together.”
- Alex was hurt that Juliette chose one of his old friends for a rebound but reassured Chloe that he is “happy with Alyssa” and doesn’t want Juliette to hurt because “no one deserves that.”
- Chloe tells Alex what we all know will be the ending to this episode: “Juliette, she’s your freaking kryptonite.”
I had to grab the wine and popcorn, make sure the camera storage on my phone was wide open and start the pregame music ahead of the scene I had been day-dreaming about since the conception of what WAS Juliette and Robby’s relationship.
Robby, with a sh*t-eating grin and troll-like eyes, enters onto the beach admitting he’s hungover but still brings red wine to the breakup party he doesn’t know he’s been invited to.
Dude, who drinks red wine when they are hungover? Satan?
We hear Jules’ voiceover as the ex-Bachelor approaches: “Maybe it’s what he did to Amanda’s phone, or maybe it was seeing Alex. … I couldn’t pretend we were falling in love.” VOICE OF AN ANGEL.
She tells Robby that she relayed to Amanda what his role in Phone Gate was, and all I can focus on isn’t the one-liner he mumbles, but his Ross-Gellar-gets-his-teeth-whitened-and-turns-on-the-black-light-episode smile. I realize if I don’t fade out of this “Friends” reference, I’ll miss the most wonderful breakup one could dream of.
- Juliette: “I don’t know what I want.”
- Juliette: “If you’re looking for a serious relationship, I’m not there.”
- Juliette: “You’re amazing in every way.”
- Juliette: “…but not what I need right now.”
Someone, please get this girl a book deal to her first novel titled, “Timeless Cliches to Use When He Doesn’t Understand It’s Him, Not You.”
But Robby doesn’t go down without a fight. I mean, it’s his last 15 minutes of fame; I have to give the guy credit. HA, NO I DON’T.
I need a refill of popcorn.
- Robby puts the timeline together and realizes Juliette came to her breakup conclusion after seeing Alex.
- “You can bury yourself in your lies,” were his parting words, and next T-shirt slogan, to Juliette.
And my dear Juliette, thank you for not shedding one tear over this disastrous man-baby-turned-wannabe-reality-star who, as Jeff Probst from “Survivor” says, “The tribe has spoken.”
ROBBY, GET OFF OUR ISLAND.
Just kidding. We are stuck with this tight-white-short-wearing lunatic for a few more scenes.
Kelsey, Kelly (hey girl, you have almost as many cameos as pizza!) and Juliette stop at the third local destination, The Boatyard Waterfront Bar and Grill, to — you guessed it — RECAP their draaaaaammaaaaa while Robby taints one of my favorite local breweries, Motorworks, with his presence.
- Kelsey admits the feelings “aren’t there” with pizza man Jared.
- Robby tells Jake (nickname to come) and Joe (THOSE EYES THOUGH), as the heavens open and angels sing from above, “I’m single.”
- Joe snaps back and says, “…break the internet, what?” Solid remark, just wish it wasn’t wasted on the lead singer of your boy band whom I’m hoping you eventually kick out.
- LOVE GATE: Who said the real “I love you” first between Juliette and Robby?
Pause: Who the hell cares? This is Robby truly grasping at whatever he has left on his second major TV network appears. Don’t worry, I’m sure Fox will pick you up on something soon.
- Robby finally admits that Phone Gate was wrong and immature. (Can we please lay this storyline to rest now?)
- Robby blames Juliette, and Jake tells Robby he needs to apologize to Amanda.
- Joe BACKS UP Juliette (cheering in my room because I knew I loved Joe) after Robby accuses her of saying “It’s not you, it’s me” when she didn’t actually use that line.
- Joe spills, “Who are we to say she knows what it is.” YAAAAAAS QUEEN.
- Kelsey takes us to commercial break directing her question to Jules, “Do you still have feelings for Alex?”
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE: Phone Gate continues to run on empty as Amanda and Robby stop at a recently closed (and absolutely adorable) coffee shop, Lelu Coffee (not blaming Robby for the closing, but…):
- Amanda finally clears the air and calls the body of water that Robby dumped her phone in by its correct title, THE CANAL.
- Robby blames his school-boy behavior on being “blinded by love.”
- Amanda dismisses Robby, hopefully once and for all, by saying: “You’ve definitely left your mark on our friend group. Thank you for the apology, but I won’t get over it.”
Then just when I thought this piece of scum couldn’t boil my blood anymore, he leaves Amanda with a WATERPROOF CASE. Definitely not original enough for that to be his own thinking, and I commend whichever production assistant came up with that one.
Amanda slides the knife into Robby’s side a little deeper as the conversation of Phone Gate takes its last breath, “You think you fell magically in love and that she just forgot about Alex?” And no response from the peanut/Robby gallery.
Dear Robby, please follow these simple steps:
- Pack your bags.
- Return your house keys to the “Siesta Key” producers.
- Take your “business” off of our “Key” girls’ platforms, and take Jake the snake (ah ha! Nickname!) with you.
- Tell me where you got them pearly whites.
- Leave on a jet plane and never come back again.
Ah, I feel like a new woman.
We arrive at the final stop on the local establishment ride and wind up at the White Buffalo Salon, where — stars are just like us — I ended up on Friday night and most definitely asked the bartender if Jared would be arriving shortly with my pizza. Dreams were crushed when that did not become reality.
- The party starts and remains by the blue-lit bar with an order of shots.
- BG toasts the night, “Cheers to boots and Daisy Dukes.”
- Juliette giddies up to the bar asking for shots, and Kelsey says, “I thought we were pacing ourselves.”
- I’ve never felt a closer connection to Juliette than in this scene, BIBLE.
We’re reminded of the “sociopath” recap (drink!) again:
- Alyssa, the dark angel and voice of reason, tells Alex, “Keep it chill. Let’s have a good night,” as Jake approaches Alex at the bar.
- The snake tries to clear the air with Alex, noting, “Siesta is big enough where we can coexist.”
- Amanda applauds Alex for not knocking “his ass out, yay!”
- Montages of line dancing commences.
- Little-miss-new-character Kelly is found recapping (drink!) Garrett and Cara’s relationship with G-Baby, and another shot is taken.
- JJ’s (Amanda’s ex) face on the dance floor, I kid you not, makes me want to turn of the TV.
- Juliette tells Amanda that Robby had been “smothering her.”
- Amanda tells Juliette that, “Everybody is moving on and it’s healthy.”
I wish I timed what happened next: an extensively long sequence of Juliette looking miserable, and rightfully so, as she was forced to look out onto the line-dancing floor paired with a strangely adorable makeout sesh between Alex and Alyssa at the bar (because the entire cast didn’t move from their spot the whole night, again relatable as hell) was dragged out and might have been the longest, and not dramatic as the editors had hoped, segment of the show.
- Jared (my pizza man) wearing a Papa Bear shirt confronts the snake about Kelsey.
- Jake breaks the news to Jared that maybe Kelsey needs “to have a conversation” with him because Kelsey was feeling “pretty single” on the line-dancing floor.
- Did I really just write that last bullet point?
- Wait, why isn’t Chloe at White Buffalo?
- Kelsey and Jared talk.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- Kelsey plays Jared yet again after she claims that she “just wants to enjoy the summer.”
- Jared appears to have understood the “broken record” conversation.
MTV, can Jared get a W soon?
In other who-cares-we’re-all-sleeping-with-one-another-anyway news:
- BG goes looking for Amanda.
- Amanda’s tongue can be found wrestling her nasty ex-boyfriend JJ’s tongue in the alley.
- Kelsey and Jake make out on the line-dancing dance floor while I hope Jared is with a delicious pizza or found a intelligent, beautiful lady worthy of this time.
Then the sneak peak in its full glory: Alex approaches Juliette outside of the White Buffalo Salon, where we can all agree the progression of the cast’s drunkenness is nowhere near rosé rumble intoxication, but it does read hangover-all-over.
- Juliette morphs into a giddy little girl who tells us she smiles when she’s “uncomfortable.”
- Alex asks if he should walk away, Juliette asks him if he wants to, and you know the rest.
- Juliette tells Alex that seeing him, “took her back to who she really is.”
Pause: Do any of us know who we really are at 22? Way too deep for this column, my bad.
OK, I was going back and forth for a decent amount of time wondering if it was the wine that made me feel this way or if it was 100% genuine.
UGH FINE, I’LL CAVE.
This is the first scene where I actually feel like, maybe, just maybe, there were some genuine emotions from the cast? Hear me out. Alex and Juliette are why we kept watching the show, right? They dated for a long time and had enough of a solid storyline for MTV to pick up now three crazy seasons of the show. I cringe writing this, but this week’s episode brought a level of connectivity and emotion that I had been waiting for — I think one that most viewers can actually relate to for even a split second.
- Juliette conveys to Alex that she was dating other people to “move on” and that she dated to “not hurt” anymore (been there, girlfriend).
- Alex admits that he wasn’t the best boyfriend. (We all wanted to hear that, right ladies?)
- Juliette tells Alex: “I want the best for you. I love you. I’m always going to love you.” (And I believe her!)
Juliette sheds a tear and it isn’t paired up with a forced upper lip quiver! This, ladies and gentleman who are still reading this far into this week’s Key Notes, is a genuine tear.
- Alex tells Juliette to get home safe and “I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
- Alex heads back to the crowded as hell bar and hugs Alyssa, who genuinely asks if he’s OK.
And then I realized I caved too soon.
I thought the writers of the show solidified a story ending at the end of one episode without needing to tie it into, “NOW A SNEAK PEAK FROM NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE.”
I took one last gulp to witness the final scenes from episode six:
- Alex texts Juliette, “This song makes me think of you,” with lyrics, I kid you not, that sing, “CRAZY IS BEAUTIFUL TO ME.”
- And then Juliette flies over the Ringling Bridge to Longboat Key … when she lives on Siesta.
Excuse me while I let my eyes roll and finish my glass.
What on earth do we have to look forward to next week?
- Madisson FaceTime’s her pregnancy results with ISH — also, just now realizing Madisson wasn’t on this week’s episode. (Ever have that friend that no one can remember?)
- Crescent Club continues to make a steady promotional run.
- Juliette makes me regret everything I wrote above and tells Alyssa that Alex is booty-calling her.
- Juliette pushes Alex into a pool as everyone around them drinks out of gold solo cups.
That’s it, Key-heads. See you next time.
I woke up this morning to a public display of affection photo between Juliette and her new main squeeze, Sam.
The new couple perfectly timed their Instagram official post less than an hour after we watched Robby fizzle into the sunset.
BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.