Factory Girl: Finding love in the modern age

Look, I get it. Just the word date makes me think of a miserable audition, where instead of auditioning for a fictional character, you’re auditioning for the all-too-real role of yourself. It’s like a reality show casting, which someone I know (me) once experienced and felt deeply traumatized/humiliated/slightly violated afterward.

But I digress. Bottom line: dating can be straight up weird and uncomfortable. However, we all want to find love, regardless of how guarded and badass we choose to appear to the outside world. In the daytime, I like to pretend I’m a cold, removed, untouchable force of nature that only needs my black leather motorcycle jacket and weekly blowouts in a sparkly salon to get by in this cruel, cold world.

I would like you to think I’m hardened cynic, surviving merely on fierce red lipstick (Mac “Ruby-Woo” or Chanel “Pirate Red” are my faves) and Sauvignon Blanc (Kim Crawford is my pick for the under-$20 price range).  However, come evening, when I’m home alone petting my King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, watching shameful reality television (“Real Housewives of Melbourne”) and binge eating, I’m but a vulnerable street kitten, vying for love, attention and endless affection. My real self is on par with the insides of a Cadbury cream egg (the texture, not the taste; I’m not ready to out myself as sweet on the internet, yet. I’m like four therapy sessions shy of admitting THAT)

I digress, yet again. What I mean is plain and simple; if you could choose a life without love or a life WITH love, you would choose the latter right?  Of course you would. Unless you’re a sociopath, in which case your problems run deeper than this blog is equipped to deal with.

Now, admitting to craving love is all fine and dandy, but the problem lies within a cold, hard fact that I’m only just coming to terms with: love doesn’t exist at the bottom of a bowl of carbohydrates. Unfortunately, no person has ever leapt out of a fine porcelain bowl (plastic bowls are ratchet) right after you stuff that last bite of parmesan-adorned fettuccine into your mouth, asking you out for an evening of dining, champagne, meaningful conversation and smatterings of sexual tension (the good kind). Girl, you know I tried.

One’s odds of finding love are much greater when one takes a risk and hurls oneself out into the dating hemisphere. Occasionally, you might get lucky and somehow, the perfect person will burst into your life and sweep you off your feet. Please note: These situations are extremely rare (I don’t trust them) and more often than not, they serve as merely a quick-fire romance that burns out as quickly as it was ignited (but wickedly takes twice the time to recover from).

Okay, so we’ve identified the problem at large — you need to start dating. But HOW? Your confidence is shot; you’re wounded from your last relationship, terrified of rejection and you’re stuck in the Dark-Age mindset that online dating is exclusive to losers and registered sex offenders. I empathize with your hopeless state of mind so deeply that I’m actually feeling your negative thoughts with you, right now. That was sort of creepy ... can you see why I’m single?

I’m with you, and I am you.  It's this powerful feeling that solely prompted me to create “Zara’s Guide to Dating.”  Now, I gathered this information by haphazardly throwing myself into as many awkward situations as possible.  Through my trial and error, I learned a few things, and thought I would spread the wealth via video.  Please feel free to email me with more suggestions, as I’m still a novice on this subject (#workinprogress).