For years my family has been persuading me with, “You have to get past the first two episodes of “Downton Abbey” and once you do, you will binge the whole series!” But every time I turn on the highly popularized show, I fall asleep before I see Professor McGonagall outside of Hogwarts.
After last night’s episode of “Siesta Key” I tooooooootally understand the-third-episode mantra.
At my next family dinner I can see myself saying (maybe more with my eyes rather than verbally stating), “Once you get past the first two episodes of season three and get to the who-cares-it’s-another-themed-party, you’ll religiously watch this show!”
Bets on if I get any takers?
So if you plopped down and watched the episode from beginning to end, we must pause to ‘gram it up real quick and see what the Key cast has been up to IRL since last week’s episode of “Jerry Springer,” wait…I mean, “Siesta Key.”
1. Juliette used her platform to describe her quality friendship with Chloe.
2. Kompo reeled in $200k for fishing? (Why did I take the time to screenshot this, write six words about it and then take it a step further and include it in my media recap?)
Now, you are cordially invited to the January 21, 2020 edition of Key Notes.
Our season three narrator Juliette avoids reflecting on her surprisingly tight-grip force of nature against Chloe (sponsored by rosé wine) and addresses other mediocre drama from last week - before being RUDELY interrupted by a post-booty-call #CARETT scene. (Cara + Garrett = Carett, donned by the trending hashtag gods.) Now if a day-after tipsy-inspired-sexting turned repulsive-morning-breath sleepovers isn’t intolerable enough, G. Baby goes the extra awkward step and asks Cara to go and meet his BFF’s…………..baby.
Oh Mr. G Baby, thank your lucky stars Cara drank enough top-shelf vodka tonics to drag you into her luxury-brand sheets and patiently wait for the next post-midnight text.
(Props to MTV for pairing a brilliant “get him out of my room” jingle alongside his exit.)
- Brandon and Amanda rollerblade at Siesta Key Beach
- PHONE GATE COMMENCES: Amanda believes Robby stole her still-missing phone during the cage fight last episode
- CLAP GATE COMMENCES: Amanda and Brandon acknowledge Robby and his obnoxious clap-back antics during Chloe and Juliette’s showdown
- Brandon solidifies his birthday theme as, “Ya know, 24k carat gold/Pirate theme.” Arrrrrrrrrighty then.
Up next, we have a mashup of Robby (gag me), Kelsey and Juliette in their apocalyptic post-party mayhem verses Cara, Madisson and Chloe recapping the rosé ruuuummmmbbbbbble.
- Robby states he’s never been in a fight (Lie #1) and points his spray tanned fingers up to his plastic face, “This is the money maker right here.” (Lie #2)
- Cara brings Chloe and her head-egg “Get Well” balloons
- Chloe files a police report, but the deputy conveniently left right before the cameras arrived
- Juliette awakes her from her sloppy-slumber to insinuate that Chloe, the friend that is only around when she is miserable, will ask for reimbursement for her extensions
- Chloe acknowledges if Juliette’s poor acting skills don’t convey remorse, “SHE WILL GET ARRESTED.”
Now onto summer lovin’...which happened so NOT fast! Kudos to the writers, I mean, Kelsey and Jared, for carrying out this miniscule love story from last season and thickening the plot line for this season (beginning with a mud-forsaken-date).
- Jared seduces Kelsey with the choice between a spiked Iced Tea or Dr. Pepper
- Jared tells Kelsey locals think Robby is a “snake” #AMEN
- Kelsey drops the name of Robby’s business name (Fun Fact: I never care enough to write the name of his bizz-nasty down)
- Kelsey gives Jared the DTF look and drools the words, “Seems like you’ve been working out.” Ah, love is in the close-minded air.
Brief pause to applaud VICTORIA, the real MVP of this season, who tells Cara how she really feels about G. Baby’s return to her boudoir, “I get it, he’s pretty. But you know how many other pretty boys I see on Instagram?” Oh, we know.
This bad B continues the shade throughout the episode and I am SO HERE FOR IT.
- Cut to Juliette making pasta (steam from draining carbs melts her false lashes)
- Kelsey tells Juliette that Chloe has been taking to the police about the boozed-up brawl
- Juliette admits she “doesn’t want to be around these people” but calls Chloe anyway
- Chloe, in a full head of make-up while wearing her night-gown, screens the call
- Juliette makes her first stop on the apology tour via voicemail
- We draw the conclusion Robby probably had MTV pay for his Key (or Naples for all we know) home with an obnoxious Bud Light Lime green door
- Juliette runs to her failed reality star boyfriend for some well-rounded advice
- Juliette takes his words verbatim and stops at her second location on the apology tour via text
I believe I may have come to my threshold of mentioning Robby’s name without violently vomiting. So let me take one more sip of wine before I continue…
Cara, Victoria, Madisson and Chloe get together for a slumber party featuring a gummy-bear charcuterie, neutral-tone only pajamas and full wine glasses.
- Madisson’s nostrils flare when Cara asks about Brandon
- Madisson’s eyes water when Cara asks about her BF, Father Time
- MVP Victoria calls out Cara for her “eight hour break” with Mr. G Baby
- Amanda brings pizza (my favorite cameo of this season)
- Amanda reintroduces PHONE GATE and we finally get B-Roll of slithering Robby (of which the cast doesn’t know about - hey, nice job foreshadowing MTV!)
- Amanda admits to the Power Puff Girls that she and BG haven’t done IT - yet
It pains me to take the time out of your busy schedule to acknowledge this, but as a Key Notes contributor requires, I must provide critical details of this prime-time drama, so I swallow my pride and will proceed to type...
- Kelsey goes to her roommate’s boyfriend’s house (the one with the Nickelodeon slime color door) to confront the matter that is PHONE/CLAP GATE
- Before Kelsey can start the conversation she has to plug the slug’s business again
- Robby denies both GATES witnessed during last week’s WWE pay-per-view
We are soon gifted with Robbyism’s that will most certainly be featured on a graphic tee for his budding business:
- “I take the high road because the low road is way too crowded.”
- “Silence is the best way to react to a fool.”
- Kelsey says, “Don’t hurt my girl.” Even-if-he-tried-out-for-“Survivor”-he-would-have-his-torch-snuffed-first Robby responds with, “Don’t worry if I do, it will be the fun way.”
Insert commercial break here.
We hear a voiceover from Juliette, while the rest of the Key kids dress in their best karat gold but make it pirate fashion, “Coooooool. Everybody having a party without me,” which instantly took me back to Kirsten Cavallari from “Laguna Beach” painfully spilling out the one word our eardrums will never un-hear, “STEPPPHEEEEEN.”
AND THEN, THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
In slow-motion, to the tune of a song with lyrics that sing, “BORN A KING,” who else hops off a private jet (two-episodes late) but ALEX. FREAKING. KOMPO.
Featuring filthy shoes, Louis Vuitton baggage and sipping a standard green glass bottle of beer, the king himself creeps his way back to the Key and immediately sends a text to Juliette reading, “I’m back.”
Before saying hello to 1-800-ASK-GARY and 1-800-ASK-GARY’S-WIFE-AND-KIDS he heads straight to BG’s 24th where he missed out on:
- Amanda and Brandon’s make out sesh in the pool
- Kelsey uses the word “genuine” for the third time while discussing with Madisson if the Amanda/Brandon hook up is said, genuine
Alex and three-unnamed females hit up the party where our Key girl gang is filmed looking less than fly, with black eye-liner dripping down their perfectly tan skin (due to the obscene summer temperature levels and of course, a plethora of booze).
- Cara acknowledges Alex’s grand entrance, “There’s Alex and ass, ass, ass.”
- Regardless, Cara flakes on Garrett and instantly flirts with Kompo
- MVP Victoria tells Garrett to “do what you genuinely have to do because Cara is going to.” #gbabylistentoMVPV
Part of me feels like this should be discussed in more detail but, Kelsey and Jared hook up in a tree house while he is wearing a kids XXL t-shirt.
- Madisson wants to have her cake and eat Brandon’s too
- Brandon tells Madisson, “ I thought this summer was going to be me and you.”
- Cara and Garrett get into a screaming-fit while standing a football field length apart in a seashell driveway (with his own recap below)
Then we get to see Alex. Freaking. Kompo. back in his Oscar-winning action.
- He tells Kelsey and Chloe, “I don’t like that there’s a new guy in town taking advantage of you young girls.” BAHAHA.
- He acknowledges that Juliette has more Instagram followers than any other cast member and that’s the only reason Robby is dating her
- His parting words in his return episode are directed to Kelsey, “I don’t give a f*** anymore, you and Juliette can go downhill…there’s only time until she punches you in the head.”
We fade out with a montage of Juliette sipping vino in solitude muddled alongside the lost-boys of the Key making out with their new love interests.
But wait, there’s more.
Jules takes the last leg of her apology tour by ambushing Chloe at her doorstep.
- Juliette whimpers that the police report doesn’t matter to her
- Juliette claims it all happened because Chloe started a conversation she wasn’t ready to have – WELCOME TO THE ADULT WORLD KIDDO!
- Chloe digs deeper at Juliette for her Kompo-affiliated issues (FACT)
- Juliette owns her true self, “I was wasted and regret it completely.”
- Chloe tells Juliette to GET GONE GIRL
Can you imagine if Chloe had actually filed a police report? Now THAT would make for some good crossover reality television. “COPS: Siesta Key.”
And Robby, before you ask, you can’t be on that show.
Next week we see Juliette telling her (nasty) boo that Greece might be a no-go (although her social media says otherwise), Amanda’s ex comes aboard, Alex addresses Cara about her unfaithful ways (perhaps a Johnny Bananas appearance?) and maybe some more pizza sightings?
Until next week Key-heads.