- January 23, 2019
Episode two was just as rocky as episode one but what could we expect?
As the episode opens with Juliette telling Amanda that Alex “revealed” Chloe was “in love with” him, Chloe and Cara are talking elsewhere about how Alex obviously still has a thing for Cara.
I think Alex has a thing for any breathing female, so no offense Cara, I’m not sure it’s just you.
Back in Amanda and Juliette’s convo, Amanda says Cara has always been Alex’s weakness, but if that’s really true, I’m sure our beloved MTV crew would have introduced us to her last season.
Juliette shares that Alex is planning a trip for her and their friends to Miami for her “graduation from junior year.”
I’m all for celebrating accomplishments, but this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Most kids celebrate “graduating junior year,” with copious amounts of alcohol the night before they move back home for a summer internship.
Anyway, while Juliette continues to be, as Cara says, “obsessed with that Kompo lifestyle — it’s embarrassing,” Gary Kompo takes his dear Alex to an empty office that HE SAYS IS FOR HIM ONCE HE GRADUATES.
For all we know, Alex could not graduate or not pass the bar, but by all means, let’s buy him an office. Must be nice to be so rich you can just buy things that might be needed.
Speaking of being rich, Gary then takes Alex to a car dealership and buys him a 2018 Bentley Bentayga. (I’m going to keep it real here and say I had to Google how to spell Bentayga because I’m not rich enough to know that.)
I’m perfectly content with my Hyundai Elantra I named Lucy, thank you.
I bet Alex named his car “almost macho” or “spoiled” or prince.” Oh oops, those are just words describing Alex.
Also, the interior is red, which is disgusting. No offense, but nothing says “I’m trying to be so cool,” than a car with a red interior that your daddy bought you.
Enough about that.
MTV then decides we should hear BG sing, BUT WAIT, he’s joined by a vocalist named Alana, who is quite quickly dubbed the Beyoncé of Siesta Key, and I think that’s a tad disrespectful to Bey.
Brandon and Alana sing, well she sings. Brandon just makes some noises.
Honestly, if BG could sing, then why doesn’t MTV use any of his songs during the episodes? Think about that for a minute.
When our eardrums have completely bled out, we watch Alex pull his new ride into Juliette’s driveway where she tells us that it’s, like really hard to date the richest guy in Siesta Key.
Alex gets out of his car and in a smooth and the-producers-totally-didn’t-tell-me-to-say-this robotic voice, he asks Juliette what her plans are for the future.
Well, last week, when you guys had dinner with your parents it sounded like you were going to be together forever, but he has probably long forgotten that dinner.
Anyway Juliette says she wants to own her own business and like the ultra-supportive boyfriend he is, he says “I don’t want to see you fail.”
First of all, this isn’t about you. No one asked about your feelings. Second of all, instead of shooting her down, you should say “Juliette, dear, maybe love of my life who I fight with every three seconds, I support you and will always be here for you.”
But this is not a Nicholas Sparks movie, so we’ll just have to deal with this.
Mostly because we have other relationships to analyze, like Ben and Madisson’s.
Ben comes to visit, which I honestly wasn’t expecting, and they have an incredibly vague conversation about their relationship.
Ben says he’s open to traveling to Siesta to see Madisson, to which she says this:
“When we’re together...it feels like we’re together.”
This is … um … weird (I truly can’t even think of the right word to describe it) on so many levels.
That’s kind of how the conversation ends, so let’s move on because it’s time for Brandon’s 23rd birthday party.
Let’s use some bullet points:
Time out because Alana has shown up and is talking to Brandon. Brandon says his relationship with Camilla is so new, so he’s just like getting used to it because relationships “are a lot of responsibility.”
Says, BG, who might know zilch about relationships and responsibility based off what he did to Madisson (cheater, cheater).
After exchanging numbers at the party, Garrett and Cara go on a date to Mote Marine Laboratory and Aquarium. It’s a bit awk at first, but then Cara asks Garrett what wishes he would make if he was offered three and one of them is another date with her, which is pretty cute.
After about a minute and a half of that, Chloe goes to Alex’s house to confront him about being in love with him.
Turns out that about a year-and-a-half ago to two years ago, she started getting jealous of girls who hung around Alex, so she thought she was developing feelings for him.
News flash to anyone who doesn’t follow Chloe on Instagram: she has had a long-distance boyfriend for at least two-and-a-half years, so this timeline seems sketchy and made up.
Next, Chloe hangs out with Cara and Canvas while Cara recounts her date with Garrett. His finances come up and Chloe says obviously, Cara is well off and doesn’t need anyone to take care of her, and I just really need these guys to STOP equating having money to being a suitable partner.
IT’S OK TO DATE SOMEONE WHO ISN’T RICH. Just had to get that out.
Chloe admits to Cara and Canvas the “truth” about her feelings for Alex, and Cara goes “oh, so this is a thing?” which is honestly what we all were asking.
Then she asks on behalf of all of us, “how happy are you looking back now that you didn’t get with him?”
*Commercial break* Refill your wine! Check Twitter! Hurry!
“No guy is going to commit to you until you make them.”
I kid you not, this is the narration that greets us as we come back to a scene with Kelsey, Madisson and Ben paddleboarding. The conversation eventually turns to long-distance relationships.
Dear Juliette, I know you’re probably reading this narration off a sheet of paper, but if you truly thinks this is true, which I think you do because you’re with Alex, your friends need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with you right now. You need THE LORD.
Anyway, Ben tells Kelsey both him and Madisson are single and these two are giving me whiplash. Madisson says Kelsey and her BF Jacob can be their inspiration as if Kelsey hadn’t cheated on him two days ago (someone’s good at keeping secrets).
The final 15 minutes honestly packed so much in, so here we go:
“And that’s what you missed on Glee!”
Kidding, but I do think a musical number would put this show on the Emmy radar.
(I’m 110% joking, obviously).
Ha, could you imagine?
See you next week!