I’m back, beaches (LOL I hope that joke goes over as well as it did in my head).
I’m back, beaches (LOL I hope that joke goes over as well as it did in my head).
’Tis I, one of the OG Key Notes writers, and I’m back for one week filling in for my dear friend Emma (aka your current Key Notes writer and the creator of the world’s best reality show fan nickname, “Key-Heads”).
I could write a whole long intro about how much I loved writing this blog back in the day and how I had no idea that Season Two would be my last season I’d get to write about before starting a new job, but alas, that would bore you to tears.
You’re here to read about our beloved barrier island’s most trashy (yet entertaining) residents, and I’m here to give the people what they want. Let’s dive right in.
This episode starts with the scene we’ve all been waiting for: the quite meme-able image of Juliette eating pizza (from which Sarasota eatery, we might never know, but I’ll send $5 — no, not more than that, I’m a lowly journalist — to whoever can figure it out) in bed. This was foreshadowed on Instagram recently, and I know both Emma and I have been eager for this scene to play out. Especially because Jared interacted with Emma’s post about it. Insert heart-eye emoji here.
Whoever says “breakfast of champions” (I think it was Kelsey?), I agree with you. Regardless, this scene opens with Juliette and her gal pals recounting the drama from the night before, because how else would an episode of “Siesta Key” begin other than with a completely unnecessary recap?
Juliette tells us she’s been crying all night, and to that I try to keep my eyes from rolling back into my brain. The scene switches to a shot of Alex and Alyssa also recounting the previous night’s shenanigans (ah, another SK Classic, parallel conversations), but they’re doing so while we’re led to believe that they’re cleaning up the Kompo mansion.
To this I say LOL LIKE THE KOMPOS DON’T HIRE A CLEANING CREW. But back to the matter at hand. (No wait, one more side note — they show another shot of Chloe’s broken yellow sunglasses looking sad but also … majestic? … while shining in the Sarasota sunshine, and I laughed so loud alone in my apartment that it echoed and probably woke up my 70-year-old neighbor.)
In case you don’t remember the drama that happened at Jared’s birthday party at said mansion the night before, the next few minutes drills it into our heads: Juliette pushed Mr. King of the Key Himself into his daddy’s pool and tore his new beau Alyssa’s bathing suit in the process. This is, obviously, bad news bears and will continue to be talked about for the rest of the episode, so I’m going to jump to the next scene for sanity’s sake.
Kelsey tells Juliette (as Pizza Princess is taking a break from her morning snack) that she can’t be violent anymore, and Juliette sheepishly agrees.
Next, we see Jared out for — clever move, MTV — Italian food at The Fountain. He’s with his mom, who very well might be my new favorite person on this show. She tells him she thinks he drank too much last summer, Juliette’s narration cuts in and tells us Jared needs some tough love, and I agree with both points. They recount his birthday party at Alex’s because clearly that’s what the producers told all of them to talk about at the top of this episode, and eventually, they finally get to the juicy stuff: Jared’s ex-wife, Jessica.
In the last episode, we learned that Jessica was coming to visit from California soon, but in this scene we learn more about why their marriage didn’t last past a couple months: SHE CHEATED ON HIM WHILE HE WAS DEPLOYED? EXCUSE ME?! Moment of silence for my buddy J-Man’s heart, which was clearly stabbed, ripped into a million pieces and laid to rest on some San Diego beach clearly inferior to Siesta Key.
Moment of silence over. So J-Baby’s mom tells him she thinks Jessica is no good, calling her toxic and basically insinuating that she is complete trash and doesn’t deserve to be in her son’s life. When he basically says “Tough, she’s still coming,” J Momma responds with a sassy “I’m not hungry.”
I love that woman.
Next comes quite possibly the most graceful backward slide down a tiny pool slide I’ve ever seen (though I admit I only lived in Florida for three years, so as a Midwesterner, my experience with tiny pool slides is limited) courtesy of Amanda, and before we know it, she’s on the side of the pool sipping on something with an undoubtedly high ABV alongside Chloe.
This conversation is pretty boring post-backward slide to be honest, but basically, all you need to know is that Amanda is annoyed with Brandon for going to Robby’s Rebella party the other day, and then she and Chloe start dragging Juliette, aka a girl they used to be good friends with, and Amanda says, “Normal adults talk things out and get through it,” which is funny for someone to say after supposedly breaking Chloe’s nose in Season One. LOL. Chloe says she thinks Juliette is lying about the flirty texts she claims Alex has been sending her, and you know our girl Nancy Drew (Chloe) is going to get to the bottom of it.
This scene is set up parallel to an outing with Brandon and Garrett, who are also recounting the Jared party drama at their own swimsuited affair. BG says he likes Amanda but is confused, yadda yadda. G-Baby says he wants to see them work out (aw), but I don’t think our favorite bodybuilder is going to get his wish.
Then Jared and Jessica finally meet up for their first on-screen rendezvous. It’s friendly and pretty chill at first, but then she sort of flirts with him (?) asking how could any girl not want to be with him when he tells her about Kelsey, … but girl ... you’re the one who didn’t want to be with him and cheated on him? Mixed signals much?
Next, Chloe and Alex chat at the Crescent Club (LOL that we’re led to believe they’re actually running an iconic Siesta Key bar together), and the conversation is mostly pointless and more crap about not believing Juliette, yadda yadda.
To be honest I missed part of the scene that follows because the signal on my Xfinity stream app cut out (LOL), but what I’ve gathered is that for some odd reason, Jared thought it would be a good idea to have most of the squad meet his ex Jessica, so they have a weird get together during which Jessica finds out (from Amanda, of all people) that Jared has PTSD. HOW HIS EX-WIFE DID NOT KNOW THIS, WE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
One of my personal favorite scenes comes next, when Chloe and Juliette meet up for some totally-casual-and-not-at-all-shady girl talk at Lemon Tree Kitchen, and J gives her “big sister” a replacement pair of the yellow sunglasses she so rudely broke during #PoolPushGate. Juliette shows some maturity by admitting what she did was wrong, and she stands up for herself by showing Chloe her call history, proving that she’s not the only one who’s been calling Alex — he’s initiated several calls.
Chloe says that sucks because she thought Alex was starting to mature, but she should have known better. Understatement of the century, honey.
She then says, “But you know, once you drink the Alex Kool-Aid, you’re blind to it,” and I almost fell over laughing at the fact that that loser of a man would ever have that much power over anyone.
I’m rambling, so here are some bullets to bring you up to speed:
- Jared wakes up in the same hotel room as Jessica (but not same bed), and they’re both super hungover.
- She confronts him about having PTSD; he says he gets nightmares and struggles with depression. She says it’s weird that he didn’t tell her, and he says he didn’t want to worry her. She asks if he’s sad about her, and I couldn’t help but decide this girl should now be crowned the most self-absorbed person on the show.
- Within 10 seconds of ending the mental health talk, she’s spilling her mimosa, and my eyes are almost stuck in a perpetual roll.
- Madisson walks in to the Crescent Club opening party alone and looking like the beautiful badass she is. (Too bad she’s only deemed interesting to the producers because she’s dating Father Time, not because she has an engineering degree, and we barely see her this episode.)
- JJ walks in conveniently after Alex and Chloe start talking about him. He walks up to them to say hello and Alex warns him that BG came with Amanda.
- BG goes up to Madisson and says he wants to bury the hatchet. She agrees, and they essentially put their (clearly fake) drama behind them.
- Amanda tells JJ not to be jealous that she came with BG. He tells her he isn’t going to be anyone’s side piece, and she responds, “Me neither.”
- Chloe confronts Alex for lying about Juliette initiating all these call and text conversations, and then we see some truly classic white male gaslighting as he tries to make her believe she’s wrong and that it’s not actually a big deal. LOL, save that acting for the courtroom, Mr. Law School (side note, did you guys know Alex goes to Western Michigan University-Cooley Law School Tampa Bay Campus, which is a tier-four law school that Politico described as follows: “Cooley may be, by some measurements, the worst law school in America. And its standing has not been enhanced by a flood of publicity about the quality of the legal work of its best known and, increasingly, most notorious alum: Michael D. Cohen, class of 1991, President Trump’s longtime personal lawyer.")
- As per Chole’s advice, Alex goes up to Alyssa and says he has to tell her something that’s not a big deal, but he wants her to hear it from him and not someone else (shady).
- He says it’s true that he was on the phone with Juliette for six hours, and Alyssa says, “Why am I just now hearing all this?” Alex then pulls his classic condescending bullshit whenever a woman is rightfully mad at him: He laughs.
- “I just want you to know, I’m not a dumba--” she responds, and I almost give her a standing ovation in my living room. He says he’s stupid, it won’t happen again, he’s sorry. He kisses her, and I almost puke up my tragically burnt frozen pizza dinner.
Next comes a boringly predictable display of toxic masculinity as Brandon confronts JJ about going for Amanda when he knows BG likes her, and they essentially fight over her until she butts in and says, “I just want you both to know I don’t belong to anyone.” Even though she annoys me, I have to give Amanda major props for this surprisingly feminist moment.
Juliette then walks in, hands Alex a present and apologizes to both him and Alyssa with an aggressively huge smile on her face. She walks away, and they open it to reveal a new bathing suit top to replace Alyssa’s, which was torn during #PoolPushGate.
Jared and Jessica show up together, and an already drunk Juliette says right away, “So why did you guys break up?” Jessica responds with, “Have you met Jared?” BURNNNNN.
Juliette awkwardly leaves, and Jessica awkwardly meets Kelsey and Madisson, two Siesta Key girls that Jared has unsuccessfully tried to get with (sadly, I might add. I am team Jared). The Kelsey conversation, of course, takes the cake for most cringe-worthy and ends with her judgmentally asking if their marriage/relationship was ever real. Awk.
In perhaps the most pure scene of the entire episode, Jared and Jessica cry together after leaving the party. She’s worried about him and his mental health, and he says he’s going to therapy but still feels shitty all the time. Cue nationwide heartbreak.
The closing scene ends with Juliette sitting down with Alyssa to apologize for #PoolPushGate yet again, and Alyssa seems to accept the apology for a hot sec until she gets mad again and ends the convo by saying, “Have a nice life.” That went well!
Well, that’s how our episode ends, dear readers. But don’t worry — next week is a vacation episode, and we all know that nothing relaxing happens on a trip with this cast.
Happy guilty pleasure-watching, readers!