The tears flowed as much as the alcohol on this week's episode.
Hey, I don’t know if any of you realized, but ...
... There is trouble in paradise.
I honestly felt like I was watching an episode of “Bachelor in Paradise” on this week’s episode because everyone was crying and fighting over dumb things with alcohol in hand and the beach not far from the background.
Where’s Chris Harrison when you need him? Wrong show? Oops, I’ll stop.
One more — if I were handing out roses, I would give them to no one on this show. I would send everyone home and take a nap on the beach.
OK, moving on.
This week’s episode opens with Juliette saying that this summer she’s the queen of Siesta Key, and everyone wants her crown.
Which is a big, fat lie because I think none of us want any part of this drama.
Anyway, the group gathers at some beachside bar and starts drinking, so you know things are about to go downhill in 2.5 seconds.
Cara and Garrett arrive, and as the narrator, Juliette asks if we can call them “Carrot.” We say “yes, of course.”
Because whatever the heck happened will take awhile to explain, let me break it down for you:
- Garrett apparently looked at Juliette, and she told him to stop.
- Juliette gets mad when Alex doesn’t confront Garrett about it.
- Juliette wants Alex to step in and defend her, but instead Pauly steps in and starts attacking Juliette.
- Pauly says that Alex hates pasta, but he made Juliette pasta with salmon. FIRST OF ALL, WHO HATES PASTA? Reason #1,382 Alex can’t be trusted.
- Pauly continues to bash Juliette, so she threatens to pour a drink on his head if he doesn’t leave. Can’t lie, I’d love to see that.
- He doesn’t leave, so Juliette starts to cry then tells Alex they are broken up.
- He laughs like the mature human he is then says “oh shoot, I’m single.”
- Then Alex says he wants to steal Cara back. SHOCKER.
And that, my friends, was only the FIRST SIX MINUTES.
We better buckle up.
When we get back from a commercial break, Alex beckons Cara from her bar stool with Garrett to keep him company. He compares himself to Santa, which is vomit-inducing and earns him a spot at the top of the naughty list, and asks Cara what she wants for Christmas. She correctly says, to be far away. Amen, sister.
Chloe snaps a photo of the two of them and obviously sends it to Juliette, who immediately tells her Uber driver to take her back to the bar.
This doesn’t go well.
Juliette yells at Cara about coming back to Siesta Key, and Cara reminds her that she has apartments over the world so she could leave if she wanted. #humblebrag
Their conversation has no resolution per usual, so Juliette walks out on a pier and Alex follows. Like the five-year-olds they are, they both refuse to apologize until the other does.
It should be noted that both are clearly intoxicated and are having an incredibly hard time forming sentences.
But I digress, Alex says he’s leaving on the boat, which listen, MTV, maybe don’t let your “king” operate any kind of motorized vessel after drinking. Seems incredibly unsafe and irresponsible.
After a commercial break, Canvas meets her mom on another rooftop. Her mom says she isn’t going back to Australia right away because she wants to try to rebuild their relationship. We all cry happy tears for our girl.
For time, and sanity’s sake, let’s bullet point some of the next scenes.
- Cara brings Garrett a terrarium so his apartment can have a “feminine touch.”
- I want everyone to know that I own the shirt Garrett is wearing that says “homies” in the “Friends” font, so I am basically famous. You can follow me on Twitter if you want (@katiee_johns).
- “Carrot” has a very forced and staged conversation about Chloe sending Juliette the photo of Cara and Alex.
- Garrett was “shocked” by Chloe’s behavior, so he has clearly been sleeping through the entire series.
- Garrett said Cara talking to Alex that day made him uncomfortable and is disrespectful.
- Ben is planning to move to Siesta, so Chloe shows him and Madisson a house, and I think the show turned into a giant real estate ad.
- It should be noted that this home has a 30-person tiki bar, and I think Ben should buy it for that sole reason so none of this friend group has to drink in public ever again.
- While house hunting, Ben and Madisson fight about Madisson being in Brandon’s music video.
- We cut to Juliette telling Amanda that her and Alex have only been broken up for a day but she already misses him and I’d like to reach through the TV screen and pinch her so she wakes up.
- Amanda asks “what makes it all worth it?,” and we raise a glass in her honor.
- Cara and Chloe meet to discuss their issues, and honestly, Chloe needs to get over the fact that Cara called her a lot to handle. At some point, everyone is a lot to handle.
- Chloe apologizes for sending the photo of Cara and Alex to Juliette, so yay for conversations that come full circle!
- Canvas and Tawni meet on the beach to discuss Canvas’ mom. We stan (that means love for you non-Gen Zers. It’s OK, I didn’t know either) strong female friendships.
- Now we have Cara and Garrett sitting in what I assume is a movie theater in her basement because in case you forget, she is like, really rich. She tells Garrett that she met with Chloe, who apologized for stirring the Alex-Juliette-Cara- pot.
Garrett says he’s still annoyed with Cara for sitting with Alex.(this is when “Cara and Alex sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g” should get stuck in your head) Cara says they’ve talked about this before and it’s getting annoying, but she brought it up, so you could say I’m confused about what she wanted out of this talk.
Then she yells at Garret for “squeezing” her thigh and walks away.
Elsewhere in paradise, it’s the day of Brandon’s music video shoot. When Madisson arrives she talks with Camila, who is clearly the only mature person around, says that if Madisson being in the video will help his career, then that’s all that matters.
Benny boy is not handling the situation as well, so he goes to the tiki bar where he low-key flirts with Tawni. Tawni says that if he were her boyfriend, she wouldn’t do this. He says, “what would you do?”
She says some things come to mind, so before your minds stray too far, let’s move on and pretend this isn’t happening.
Alex and Juliette meet and Juliette says she didn’t even mean it when she said they were broken up. We love good communication skills.
They agree to watch how they talk to each other and kiss and make up. Good Lord. I’m getting whiplash.
Since Juliette and Alex made up, it's Cara and Garrett’s turn. After Cara says she feels like she shouldn’t eat before seeing Garrett so she doesn’t bloat, he says he loves every part of her. It’s very sweet, but Cara is still annoyed when he touches her.
But a few minutes later, they mumble some words to each other and kiss, so I think they’re OK? I guess we’ll find out next week.
MTV brings us back to the what appears to be the most solid relationship on the show – drama and tears.
Kidding. Kind of.
Madisson and Ben meet to pick out some flowers for his new house ... that he doesn’t own yet?
After some weird banter about how plants work (??) they get in a little tiff about the music video again, and Madisson says she doesn’t want the pressure of being the only reason Ben moves to Siesta.
She thinks at their age, moving solely for a person is not the best idea, and she is right in my opinion. Thank you for asking.
Anyway, while they figure that mess out, we get to check in on the king and queen who are maybe about to be dethroned.
Well, really we see Juliette sobbing at a restaurant alone until Amanda comes and says “you sound upset.” They are a very observant bunch, huh?
Juliette says she woke up early this morning and felt the need to pick up her wallet from Alex (weird that he has it but we won’t ask). She says she walked in, and he was in shorts and a girl was in his bed.
HEY, UM, JULIETTE? Can we talk for a second? BREAK UP WITH HIM. Like yesterday.
Ohhhhh, and, we learn in a preview for next week that Ben texts Tawni some risqué things, and honestly that’s how the episode needed to end because I was very tired.
I’m sure we will get little resolution next week, but we can dream right?
Until next time dear viewers,
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