APRIL FOOL: Road proposal due for bumpy ride in Lakewood Ranch

Without enough law enforcement officers to adequately patrol White Eagle Boulevard between State Road 64 and State Road 70, county officials have decided to go another direction.

County staff members have forwarded the plan to add a series of eight, nine-inch speed bumps to White Eagle Boulevard, with construction expected to start in June after schools release for the summer. The plan has received positive feedback in Commission chambers and is expected to be passed by commissioners at one of the next two or three meetings. Check the agenda at MyManatee.com to see when it comes up.

While only Lakewood Ranch Prep is actually on White Eagle Boulevard, students from neighboring communities going to B.D. Gullett and Dr. Mona Jain Middle School must cross White Eagle Boulevard at 44th Avenue.

The county's unwillingness to widen Lorraine Road has made White Eagle Boulevard a favorite cut-across point for the two state roads, even with students from the various schools packing the area twice a day.

Rush hour traffic zooms far above the 40 miles-per-hour speed limit with little regard to the posted limits.

What makes nine-inch speed bumps so unusual is that they are three times the size of the speed bumps normally employed by county, state or federal roads, which generally reach a maximum of three inches in height. Speed bumps in parking lots (such as the ones at shopping centers) can reach six inches, but nine-inch speed bumps usually are not employed on public roads, except where the attempt is to reduce speed to 5 mph or less.

While an original plan was to employ just two sets of nine-inch speed bumps, it was thought that wasn't enough to drive that cut-across traffic to another road.

White Eagle Boulevard was built to access new home developments and neighborhoods, schools and parks. It has become anything but.

"If you have to slow down to 5 mpg eight times, it's definitely going to send you looking for another route, especially if you are using that road as a short cut," said County staff member Joy Kealer. "We were asked to find a way to get speeders off that road, and this is it."

Kealer said that anyone ignoring the speed bumps is going to pay a severe price.

"If you aren't driving a monster truck, you are going to mess up your vehicle if you hit those things at 40 mph," Kealer said. "Hitting it once, and you will throw your alignment out of whack. Twice, and you are asking for serious damage to the undercarriage of your car.

"We're not trying to give anyone $2,800 of car repairs, but nobody is paying attention to the speed limits in a residential neighborhood with schools and children all along that road. We've got mothers cutting in front of cars and flipping people off so they can get to opening bell in time. Then we've got the people who work in Sarasota dodging in and out of traffic because they are late. So either go speed somewhere else if you work in Sarasota, or wake up 30 minutes earlier to get your kids to school on time."

Mixed reactions have come from parents who drive their children to schools along White Eagle Boulevard.

"This whole plan is just targeted at the parents more than anyone," said Indigo's Faust Karr. "If you have a 7-year-old and an 8-year-old, or more kids, you know that you never get anywhere on time. God forbid we drive 60 miles an hour on a wide open road. What is going to happen now is that parents will slow to 5 mph for the speed bump, then zoom up to 70 mph between them. It's going to create a worse situation."

Bridgewater's Reuben Onrye agrees that parents are being targeted.

"If we didn't have to park a half mile down the street to wait for drop-off, we wouldn't be in such a hurry," Onrye said. "If we had a better overall road plan to get us in and out of the schools, this wouldn't be an issue. But if you aren't arriving 20 minutes before the bell, you're in traffic purgatory."

Harmony's Serene DiMeanor of Esplanade disagrees.

"Our kids ride those electric bikes and everyone complains about them being on the sidewalk, so then they ride down the edge of the road, and the cars are just flying by out of control. So slowing everyone down sounds like a good answer to me.

"I can't wait to see my kids flying past the cars on the way to school. I am going to have a good laugh."

Amber Creek's Abel N. Reedy said he is contemplating the purchase of a Humvee. "Listen, I have to get to work and I have few options to get across Lakewood Ranch. Lakewood Ranch Boulevard is packed and Lorraine Road is a mess at rush hour. Interstate 75 gets worse by the day. I am not slowing down for eight bumps."

Arbor Grande's Beau Livard said there is an option.

"How about leaving 30 minutes early?" he said.

Happy April Fools’ Day from the Observer! This story is not real news. Hope you’re as relieved as we are!