Drama reaches an all-time high as Chloe celebrates her 22nd birthday, Madisson confronts Canvas, Alex makes a comeback and Juliette and Kelsey continue their war over Garrett.
ByKatie Johns & Niki Kottmann
| 10:02 a.m. January 23, 2018
Arts + Entertainment
To be honest, I have no idea where to begin.
This was a wild episode for my first recap, but let me start with this: This entire cast needs off this barrier island, and if I’m being honest, I think the MTV producers have gotten a little too much sun and are losing it.
Chloe is narrating this episode, which is a whole other story because whoever writes these narration scripts needs to get a grip. Chloe explains to all of us that summer is finally over, but unfortunately, just because summer is over doesn’t mean the drama is. So here we go. Buckle up, folks. We’re in for a bumpy ride.
After a brief recap of last week’s episode, we listen to Juliette unfortunately tell us her side of the Kelsey-is-out-to-get-me story AGAIN over breakfast with Hannah, Hannah’s boyfriend and another girl whose name is escaping me because at this point there are so many blonde people turning up on this show I cannot keep them all straight.
The only notable moment in this scene is Hannah’s boyfriend telling Juliette she should work on herself. CAN I GET AN AMEN?!
Apparently, Hannah doesn’t believe Juliette and needs to call Chloe to confirm that Kelsey did indeed sleep at Garrett’s. Chloe confirms. Both girls “sneakily” have each other on speaker, and suddenly I miss the old MTV days when Lauren Conrad chewed Spencer Pratt out over speaker phone. Ah the good ‘ol days.
We flash to where Chloe is, which is on the beach with Madisson, Tarik, Kelsey, Carson and Brandon. Chloe announces her boss told her she could have her birthday party at the tiki bar, which by the way is definitely, probably not legal, and I would like to know what bar manager would close his bar for the night and let a bunch of 21-year-olds rage there.
Anyway, Chloe announces her party and it’s whatever. We all know it’s going to be a disaster.
Pauly then speaks and says how great it was for Madisson to go visit Alex and his wired-shut jaw. Brandon didn’t know this occurred so naturally, he and Madisson have a little chat in the ocean because it’s okay for him to flirt with other girls but Madisson can’t visit her friend, or ex, or whatever these people call each other. It’s all very twisted, and I need a nap.
Also, quick side note: I really think these kids [I’m calling them kids because that’s what they’re acting like] need to stop having talks like 10 feet away from their friends who are judging them and giving unsolicited opinions. What happened to friends being supportive?
Madisson didn’t think it was important to share she visited Alex. Brandon says Canvas means nothing. She’s cool because she likes “music and stuff” and honestly we are swooning over Brandon’s way with words. I mean no wonder his music career is skyrocketing.
Sorry too harsh? Eh.
Anyway, those issues go unsolved like most things on this show.
Then finally, we have an actual real emotional scene that makes me ALMOST forgive MTV for everything else that happens on this show.
Chloe breaks down on the beach and tells Kelsey her mom has spots on her brain that could be MS. If you don’t remember, Kelsey’s mom has MS, so honestly this scene between the two of them seems so real, I maybe almost cried.
From this point until Chloe’s party nothing groundbreaking happens, so let me sum this up real quick:
Brandon’s mom makes an appearance so they can discuss his music ~career~ and she tells him he needs to talk to Madisson about the possibility of touring and such because he didn’t think to do it himself. *insert eye-roll emoji*
Brandon visits a producer who tells him his music is a C- and this industry isn’t for the weak. I have never wanted to clap so badly before.
Chloe’s mom does not have MS, but the spots and her headaches could indicate rheumatoid arthritis.
Paige tells Madisson she makes up too many excuses for Brandon, and we all take a shot in her honor.
Madisson’s job search isn’t going well, so she is questioning everything. Is engineering for her? Did she major in it because she’s passionate about it or because she’s good at it? I don’t know Madisson, but if I were you I would apply to jobs far, far away from this island and start all over.
Let me pause these bullet points to rant for a hot minute.
Here we have a scene in which Kelsey, Chloe and Canvas are cleaning the tiki bar and talking about the party. Canvas subtly asks if Brandon is coming to the party, and I rolled my eyes so hard I think they are stuck in the back of my head. She then explains she flirts with everyone, even her girlfriends. *crickets*
Okay back to bullets:
MTV gives us yet another unwanted “getting ready” scene with Maroon 5 playing in the background to make us think we’re all having fun.
Kelsey tells Madisson to watch her back when it comes to Canvas. I mean, she isn’t wrong.
Alex and his wired-shut jaw make an appearance, and I am starting a petition to keep his jaw permanently shut. Shoot me an email if you’d like to sign it.
Alex tells his friends, who remind me of Crabbe and Goyle from Harry Potter because they say nothing and it’s like Alex is their Draco Malfoy who tells them what to think, that he is going to Chloe’s party but didn’t tell her?!?
IT’S TIME. The party is here. I hope you’re hydrated. Take a deep breath.
The first time I raised my eyebrows during this party was when Chloe introduced Canvas and Brandon. I’m sorry Chlo, but were you SO drunk at the pool party you don’t remember these two being flirty flirty for half the party? They do not need to be introduced. They need to be the opposite of that.
Madisson confronts Canvas, and I am so proud of her for finally standing up for herself, even if Canvas says she is just going to be herself, which means she will not “step off” like Madisson asked.
Alex floats up in his boat, hands Chloe a bottle Veuve Clicquot and all of us at home roll our eyes as we sip our $8 Cupcake wine. Juliette sees Garrett talking to Kelsey so she does the most mature thing and goes on Alex’s boat with him.
He tells her he misses her through his clenched teeth, and girls everywhere swoon over how smooth he sounds. *Eye roll emoji again*
Now, the last 10 minutes of the episode are wild. Brandon tells us nothing good happens on that boat, and for real, that’s probably the most honest thing he has ever said.
The Siesta Snitches, a name I have given Madisson, Kelsey and Chloe, are not having Juliette’s games so they start talking about her, she hears and tells them so. Chloe asks what she’s going to do about it, which was not a good idea because after crying for a minute on the boat again Juliette grabs Kelsey by her pink lei, and all hell breaks loose. Before anyone is actually injured, the girls are torn apart.
Cut to the scene in which Pauly looks confused because, same.
The last five minutes of the show are spent trying to calm everyone down. Kelsey is crying. Garret hugs her then leaves her to go check on Juliette, BUT jokes on him because she’s back on the boat making out with Alex.
And there you have it, folks. Alex and Juliette have brought us right back to where we started this whole show.
If anyone is still reading this, I salute you and hope to see you next week.