This week was full of moments that made me want to bang my head against the wall, including the demise of Bradisson and Juliette's lack of basic college-level knowledge.
Full disclosure before we start: I am no Beyonce. I show no mercy for cheaters.
So this recap is going to be fun (oh, and I’m not able to compare to the radiance that is Beyonce in any other way, just to be clear).
This week, our episode starts with another great reminder that these producers picked the single worst voices possible for narration. Aren’t hot people supposed to have hot voices? Maybe that’s only true for the Zac Efron-esque 1 percent.
Brandon and Madisson are weirdly splitting the narration this week, and just as you might guess, I hate it. Madisson is eh but Brandon’s voice actually makes me want to pull out my own eardrums. When he says “The worst part is...I really loved Madisson” I experienced this unique combination of fiery rage with the simultaneous desire to cackle like a “Halloweentown” witch.
OK, you get the point.
Anyway, the episode opens on Chloe and Canvas enjoying a drink at another tropical bar while recapping the night before, which was Brandon’s big performance that — did you hear? — Madisson was not present for. Which is a shame, because if her New York City trip had been a week later maybe she would have already broken up with this loser and could have gone for hot model man.
Canvas and Chloe laugh after watching epically sloppy videos of Chloe as her drunk alter ego, Coco, before Canvas drops the news that she saw Brandon slide out with another chick who was very much not Madisson at the end of the night.Chloe, as expected, is flabbergasted that she didn’t already know this gossip. Canvas has out-gossiped her, and I think she is low key ticked about it but nonetheless thrilled to have a new piece of juicy information.
Next we see Kelsey and Madisson return from NYC and reunite with Paige, who drops the news that she had one too many Bahama mamas or whatever these islanders drink and kissed Pauly in their absence. She is most definitely ashamed, and I am most definitely supportive of her shame. Ew.
Oh, and Brandon conveniently calls Madisson for the first time in a couple days in the middle of this conversation they’re already having about him and he says he’s been “busy” and I made a personal note to be thankful for my long-distance boyfriend who talks to me more than this chick’s same-city boyfriend does.
Next up is the new couple we all love to hate, Juliette and the King of Siesta Key. She’s home for the weekend and of course heads straight for the Kompothecras Castle — sexy cavewoman Halloween costume in hand.
I swallow my feminist pride and try to take the next 30 seconds seriously, but I can’t do it. I do, however, find it entertaining (in a sad, sick way) that Alex couldn’t figure out which part of the two-piece outfit was the top.
Anyway, they have a stupid conversation about deciding to meet up with the rest of their pseudo-squad at some big Halloween party, and they decide they’ll wear matching Halloween costumes and let the haterz hate.
A quiet, deeply-buried part of me respects their give-no-s***s attitude.
Then we cut to a classic “work” scene in which Chloe and Kelsey are actually doing nothing related to working at their supposed place of employment (which is not on Siesta Key, just a reminder).
Garrett pulls up in his swag new set of wheels and I think Kelsey internally swoons. He then proceeds to pull her aside for a not-so-private conversation that Chloe can clearly hear every word of but like who cares because it’s just about him and Juliette breaking up and we all saw that coming already.
I think my co-writer Katie Johns said it best: “I think Kelsey and Garrett are getting back together and I’m kind of here for it.” Word.
The next scene is one of the most upsetting we’ve had yet, because it’s the moment we find out Tarik’s parents kicked him out of the house for finding evidence that he’s gay. Madisson is supportive, but I have to say, if it were me, I would have marched him to my car, driven him to his hotel and forced him to move all of his stuff out of the hotel he was staying at and move into my apartment immediately. That poor guy should not be alone right now.
Following this heartbreaking scene is an appropriately awkward scene on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum in which Chloe crashes a guys' night between Pauly and Brandon and tries to get Brandon to admit to cheating on Madisson after his show. He of course lies, and somehow Chloe isn’t convinced he’s lying.
Thankfully yet sadly it’s Canvas, of all people, who sets her straight when they weirdly recap the conversation over Facetime in the back of Chloe’s Uber home.
And now for some bullet points to get us through this ridiculousness:
Brandon tells Carson he cheated, and I get furious about the situation all over again
- JULIETTE ASKS HANNAH WHAT GEOGRAPHY IS AND I ACTUALLY LOSE THE ABILITY TO BREATH FOR A MOMENT. She then proceeds to say “What is that even about? WWI and s***?” I can’t even talk about this right now because I’m too upset on behalf of all women everywhere so all I’m going to say is thanks for forcing the sole college girl in the main cast to look ditzy, producers. I feel so proud of my diploma.
- A classic awkward bonfire takes place at Brandon’s — no party was ever had at Brandon’s — and somehow it’s just Carson, Brandon, Kelsey and Madisson. You could cut the tension with whatever wired Alex’s jaw shut.
- Tarik goes home to gather some things before officially moving out and his Mom tells him she doesn’t know if she would go to his hypothetical wedding someday and she needs some time. My heart breaks and I fight the urge to reach out to the TV screen and embrace it.
- Paige says she’s going to wear scary Halloween makeup to the party so Pauly won’t kiss her again, yet he still hits on her immediately when they get there. LOL.
- Juliette and Alex show up to the party and piss everyone off with their mere presence.
- Juliette apologizes to Chloe for ruining her birthday party by almost turning it into a WWE fight. They make up and it’s actually very sweet (I forget that these two are confirmed ACTUAL friends before this show).
- Kelsey apologizes to Garrett for everything that went wrong between them, and I think I’m oddly rooting for the return of this relationship.
- Canvas tells Madisson that she saw BG leave with another chick after his show and Madisson doesn’t seem to believe her at first. Then Madisson proceeds to go flirt with Brandon before realizing she should explore this possible truth. When she does, he admits to it and she rightfully freaks out and tells him to leave.
This kind of behavior isn’t worth any of my time, frankly, so all I have to say is that if this were ever a real relationship (which most of me thinks it was not) I hope that piece of flaming trash never gets a second look from a decent potential partner ever again.
— Niki Kottmann