Mall madness

East County couple Jen and Brian Blanco give you the inside scoop on their strategies for the Mall at University Town Center’s grand opening. Follow their mall journey below.

10 A.M. (JEN) Timing and routine are everything. Arriving right when the mall opens ensures you’ll fight less traffic and find a better parking spot. I always park in the same lot depending on which mall I’m at — Macy’s in the case of UTC. With my credit cards and coupons in hand, the shoe department will be my first stop.

10:15 A.M. (BRIAN) This is a marathon, not a sprint. iPads connected to the Internet are your friend, and luckily UTC has free WiFi. But batteries don't last forever, and your fellow husbands will only tolerate about an hour of your occupying one of the precious comfortable chairs located in department stores. When you've reached the limit of responsible chair usage, a grown man can sit in a well-built jogging stroller. You look weird, but you’re comfortable and the other guys understand.

11 A.M. I will check in with Jen for the initial pester with our son. The pester is a subtle reminder that you’re there, you’re bored, and her time is not unlimited. The key here is not to sound annoyed yet. Resume entertaining yourself with coffee at Starbucks where you’ll find a pre-read copy of the New York Times.

11:15 A.M. After perusing the shoes and handbags, and perhaps taking advantage of a sale or two, it’s off to Starbucks, which happens to be right inside Macy’s. There’s just something about walking through the mall with a coffee in hand that makes the shopping experience that much better. Brian will call and say he is there too around this time. He won’t be annoyed yet.

11:30 A.M. Once inside the mall, I will follow the same path, walking from one end of the mall to the other before heading upstairs to make the walk back down to the other end. Janie and Jack, Crate and Barrel and Saks will be my first three stops before I pop into Godiva to snag a free piece of chocolate with my membership card. Then it’s off to Gap Kids and a quick stop at Auntie Anne’s for a bite to eat. Without an actual food court, I have a feeling Auntie Anne’s will become a staple in my UTC adventures, especially when my son is in tow.

Noon It’s time to eat, which occupies a good hour, maybe more for those brave enough to dine with kids in one of UTC’s nine sit-down restaurants. You still have two more hours to go — you can do it. Of course, this plan may be thwarted if your wife plans simply to breeze through with a pretzel ...

1 P.M. You’re bumping up against the limits of your sanity. The toys you brought in for your kids (because UTC doesn’t have a toy store) are no longer interesting. This is where the play area comes in — make sure you bring the Sam’s Club-size Purell to sanitize the kids and yourself. Now, locate the one or two kids who are too old to be in the play area and are being too rough. Obsessing over their actions and throwing dirty looks at their parents make the time pass. Another way is to elect yourself the unofficial goalie of the play area exit so that you can contain quick-footed children trying to make an escape.

1:15 P.M. By this point, I will enter Dillard’s, one of my favorite department stores. Of course, the new play area happens to be right outside the door, so chances are I’ll be stopping there to see my son burn off some energy before heading inside.

2 P.M. Make your second pester contact now, with your kid crying in the background. Then, make sure your wife sees you go down the escalator with your kid in the stroller, enraging her to the point where she is getting sick of your nonsense. Work in an argument with a security guard over said safety violation — this will be very helpful to your case.

2:15 P.M. After spending a good hour in Dillard’s, it’s time to head upstairs and see what the second level of the mall has to offer. Gymboree, Loft, Banana Republic, Sephora, Michael Kors and J. Crew all make the cut. Brian will most likely start to irritate me.

2:45 P.M. Release the kids to run wild in the stores. If you have dogs at home, remind your wife the dogs may need to pee, and you’re not going to be responsible for cleaning up any accidents. Now seal the deal: Make negative comments on all of her possible purchases. The clothes are ugly, she already has 100 pairs of shoes at home, etc. She’ll throw her hands up in defeat and say the magic words: “Ugh, fine, let’s just go.”

3:00 P.M. At this point, I’m sure my arms will be starting to ache from the weight of my shopping bags, and Brian will be acting strangely ... so it’s probably time to call it a day. But don’t worry UTC. I’ll be back again very soon.