News Briefs

+ You’ve got three minutes
Town Clerk Trish Granger is tired of residents talking past a three-minute digital clock during the public comment of town meetings.

To combat the problem, Granger has installed an application that cuts the microphone off after three minutes, when residents continue to talk once the buzzer sounds.

If residents continue to talk, Longboat Key Police Chief Pete Cumming said an officer on duty during meetings will stand up and walk over to the podium with a Taser in hand to urge residents to wrap it up. Mayor Jim Brown said Granger’s new initiative will reduce both the amount of times he has to rap the gavel and the bruises he has received on his hand the last two years from trying to quiet agitated Longboaters.

+ Town hires therapist for board members
The town has hired therapist Henry Brain to help its board members deal with the challenges they face.
The Longboat Key Town Commission often struggles to make decisions, Brain wrote in a memo to Town Manager Dave Bullock.

“Special workshops, subcommittee after subcommittee and consultant-spending binges — these are all classic signs of avoidant behavior among local officials,” Brain wrote.

Planning and Zoning Board members often feel overwhelmed as they face extra responsibilities — i.e. the duties of the Zoning Board of Adjustment — and also aspire to higher places — i.e. the commission.

Brain hopes he can help ZBA members accept their responsibilities and regularly reach a quorum.

Code Enforcement Board members, meanwhile, appear to have a need to be needed, not unlike empty-nest syndrome, because they beg town officials to hold meetings even when there is nothing to discuss.
Brain hopes to help the Urban Land Institute Implementation Advisory Committee to find its place in the town, because members currently discuss what their role should be at every meeting.

The town is currently purchasing new couches from IKEA for commissioners and board members to lie on during future meetings.

+ The EDC praises Colony as local job creator
Colony Beach & Tennis Resort U.S. Bankruptcy Chapter 7 Trustee William Maloney received $150,000 last week to distribute to various creditors. That money, though, won’t come from Colony parties as part of a settlement.

The Sarasota County Commission approved an Economic Development Corp. grant last week at its meeting, during which commissioners praised Colony parties for meeting the grant’s job-creation requirement, unlike other recipients such as Tube Dude and Sanborn Studios.

Grant information shows that ongoing Colony litigation has kept 14 lawyers in business and created positions for at least 32 legal assistants and paralegals.

+ Healthcare.gov architect to heal town website
The town announced it has hired the firm of O.B. Amacare to create a user-friendly longboat.gov site through which residents can purchase homeowners insurance, apply for building permits and register their pets.

The firm boasts cutting-edge Web projects such as Pets.com, MySpace and AOL mail. Town officials also confirmed that the firm forgot to include its latest project, Healthcare.gov, in its portfolio.

Hopefully you made it to the end of the article, so we can say, Happy April Fools' Day! This story is not true.