After the first episode of "Siesta Key" I had some puzzling questions that remained unanswered (example: why is an ex producer of the show now a cast member?) yet, I've been lured into its twisted realm of unrealistic realty and I can't stop myself from digging down the rabbit hole past the episode itself.
As the credits rolled in last weeks episode, our Key Girls regurgitated their primal and influenced-by-vodka reactions to the 'gram.
So I made some popcorn and got to scrolling.
If your resolution for the new decade was purging social media platforms, let me do the honors in helping you catch up.
Sarasota Modern hosted a viewing party for the Key cast which led to the gang posting endless vertigo-simulating videos of their after-party aboard a big mac party bus with twerking and pizza cameos but still no Alex Kompo.
Juliette reacted to her bold statement about Cara and MTV’s O.G playboy Johnny Bananas sleeping together while she was with Garrett, "I just kinda tweeted that because I feel like people don't care about the things I say, not that I was trying to get attention.” Oy vey.
The gang is not participating in “Dry January.”
So now that we’re all caught up on “In Case You Missed It: Siesta Key edition,” here is what you may or may not have indulged in for an hour of your life.
- Since Ish no longer works for the show, he is now Madisson’s at-home barista
- Sarasota Modern (where else?) sets up beer pong for Jared, Garrett and Brandon
- Jared calls Ish “Father Time” (which is how I will now refer to him because that was truly entertaining)
Then we are forced to watch an overlapping of Robby and Juliette at the Casey Key Fish House with a scene featuring Chloe, Victoria and Cara at Chloe's new crib mirrored alongside it.
- Robby confirms Juliette is the youngest girl he’s hooked up with
- We see yet another plug of Robby’s “business”
- Chloe says she's filling Alex in on what has being conspiring on the Key, yet we have no sign of his existence
- Juliette shows Robby the first couple shot she posted on Instagram “hit 117,00 with 23,000 sends” and his reaction is similar to what I can imagine one expressing if they won the Nobel Peace Prize
- Juliette says, “New man, who dis?” Someone press the fast forward button...
- We bare witness to “Bachelorette” scenes from Robby’s other failed realty-but-not romance
- Robby tells Juliette he loves her and she responds with, “I love it.” Inspiration for the next great love story by Nicholas Sparks?
While we confirm Robby is the absolute worst addition to this prized television show, we are quickly reminded that Madisson is about to embark on one heck of a failed-before-it-starts conversation with her Dad.
I selfishly made Madisson’s precarious scene of introducing her stepfather, I mean boyfriend and ex-boss Ish, to her real father, all about me.
As the duo moseyed up to Pier 22, located in Bradenton, I had a flashback to the first time I introduced my father to my high school boyfriend: a hockey player from an affluent area of Connecticut who, now looking back on it, probably dabbled with illicit drugs behind my back and although he was in the same grade as me, I suddenly saw myself in this wannabe actresses shoes and I started sweating as I relived that moment through Madisson's screen time.
I totally get it Mad-dawg, love-interest introductions to the family can often lend itself to a series of difficult obstacles, but this is a tangled car wreck unlike most and I can’t take my eyes off of it.
Madisson’s father is hand delivered the news that this old-ish (PUN!) fart sitting next to his young, beautiful and usually very intelligent daughter could one day be his future son-in-law.
Whether or not this scene came naturally to Mr. Hausburg, he sure does bring the heat, "My first question of many is how the heck old are you?” Ish acknowledges the twenty-year gap and Madisson’s Dad responds without missing a beat, “Well I'm 66 so you're closer to me than her.”
Dear Ish, if you’re reading this please do not return to the Key after your “work trip,” both Mr. H and myself would genuinely appreciate it.
We still have a lot of ground to cover from this jam-packed episode, so here's some filler space the team provided us with:
- Brandon and Amanda go on a “date” to The Cottage restaurant on Siesta Key where he attempts to flirt with her over margaritas while talking about his ex girlfriend, Madisson
- Kelsey and Juliette don’t want Cara and Chloe at their house warming party, but Chloe makes the list
- Madisson and Brandon wind up on a dock somewhere along the Intercoastal and discuss their breakup saga
- Cara continues to be the annoying gnat that I want to smush with my fingers
- Cara and Garrett declare that they are on a break, after breaking up?
- PLUS SIDE: We finally say Bon Voyage to “Father Time” – for now
Now comes the build-up of a series of dramatic segments that cast members have been promoting on their Instagram pages for weeks, leaving little to the imagination for their followers at this point in the episode.
- New character moment: Kelly, Juliette’s friend comes over for the party
- Amanda tells Jared that her and Brandon vibed on their "date"
- Chloe calls the Bachelorette castaway “Robby con-artist Hayes”
- Juliette raises a glass of rosé and says, “Cheers to a party without drama,” and the production team thinks, we have an award winning episode here people!
Let me paint a picture for those of you who started reading Key Notes for ill-minded wit and sarcasm, this house warming party theme is entitled, “Rosé All Day.”
So, I’ll let your mind draw its own conclusions on that one.
- Amanda gifts Juliette marble coasters so if she “is mad at a bitch, you can chuck them at her.” I thought they would look just fine sitting on the coffee table?
- Brandon attempts to rap a toast, "Step in the party, just found my soul mate. Most girls on the key go both ways…" Maybe next time he'll land it?
- New character moment: Joe, Robby’s friend (for what reason, who knows?)
- Robby brings Juliette an oversized TV as a house warming present and Chloe says, at louder than a whisper level, “Probably making up for how small his…” you can easilly finish that sentence
- Garrett tells Brandon about his “break” with Cara and Brandon replies with, “It’s hard for the good guys in Siesta Key.”
- Victoria calls Cara out on her shitake (finally someone who can!) for not just dumping Garrett in the first place
- Cara responds in her obnoxious I've-inhaled-helium-all-morning-and-afternoon voice, “Poor little G-Baby.”
- Jared goes in for the Kesley-will-you-be-mine kill and asks her on a romantic 4-wheeling date. Included with said date: something to do with mud (maybe some pizza?)
Then we arrive to the moment we have all been waiting for: sitting in our pajama’s, drinking wine in bed and patiently waiting through forty-five minutes of mediocre realty television on a Tuesday evening for this EPIC Siesta Key showdown.
Chloe, a few shots and glasses of rosé behind the heavily intoxicated Juliette, asks her to step outside and discuss how drunky-mcdrunkerson views their friendship. Chloe, my little sh*t stirrer, there is a right place and right time for these confrontational moments and you ALWAYS CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME FOR TELEVISION.
While Juliette tries to comprehend the initial question that was asked of her she offers a little-big-sister analogy that Chloe picks up and runs with while trying to dodge Juliette’s attempt to make this all about…you guessed it, Alex I’m-not-even-in-the-first-two-episodes-of-the-third-season-of-the-TV-show-that-my-dad-paid-for Kompo.
Once Chloe reads behind the cross-eyed glare that Juliette is serving, she goes in for the final blow, “You’re surrounding yourself with people that are using you,” which sends a flare gun directly out of Juliette’s eyes followed by a solid attempt to yank Chloe’s extensions right out of her head.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK: a constant reminder of all the horrible television that MTV has to offer. Get me back to the action!
We’re back and Amanda, whilst taking a break from grinding on Brandon, with a mysterious third-party member breaks up the clearly intoxicated catfight between “sisters” Juliette and Chloe. Juliette is held back by the surprisingly diesel Amanda and Chloe flees the scene to call her uber driver, Cara.
Long story, long, Juliette isn’t done with her audition for the next character on Netflix’s “Glow” and before we know it, she goes right for Amanda.
Juliette slurs, “You broke her nose,” to Amanda (cue Season 1 when Amanda in fact broke Chloe's nose) and Amanda yells with veins protruding out of her neck, “BECAUSE SHE HIT ME FIRST. DID SHE HIT YOU FIRST?”
Juliette, coming in and out of her tipsiness, goes radio silent. Robby, who should get the hint that he is sooooooo not getting a rose tonight, tried to chime in and Amanda lifts her Louis Vuitton clutch and barks back at him, “I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU.”
Ignoring his response, “We’re kind of a packaged deal,” Amanda is on the hunt for answers and Juliette is not giving in. And just like that, WAH-BAM, Juliette lunges at Amanda like Scar lunged at Mufassa.
What I learned during this scene? Never mess with Amanda.
“You want to put your f****** hands on me? I DARE YOU.” Amanda the badass holds back her what-could-have-been-mind-blowing attack, is escorted out of Juliette and Kesley's new home and leaves the housewarming party with her only concern being, “WHERE IS MY PHONE. I WANT MY PHONE.”
Amanda, you have my vote.
- Robby tells Juliette he was scared to see her cry but reassures her that she’s too pretty to cry (WTF?)
- Jared tells Robby to stop instigating the fight between the girls
- Jared leaves the party with pizza in hand (hopefully next time bringing me a slice)
- Cara gets a five star rating from Chloe, Madisson and Amanda
End scene. But with an ending like that, what could we possible look forward to?
- Robby heads to Greece with Jules (and he hopefully doesn’t return to the Key)
- Chloe files a police report
- Amanda and Brandon make out at yet another themed party
- Alex. Freaking. Kompo. Shows. Face.
- ICYMI: Siesta Key Instagram edition
I hope the wine helped you navigate through the episode the way it helped me and that the bottle assisted you in this lengthy recap.
Until next week, Key-heads.