We cut to the feeling with the premiere episode of "Siesta Key" season three.
Whether you like to admit it or not you’re reading this because the cast of “Siesta Key” and the incredible marketing team behind the MTV show reeled us into yet another season of whatever this is and we’re 110% hooked.
From the three-minute-long “sneak peak” videos and trailers to the are-they-or-aren’t-they-local cast members’ inability to keep anything off social media, Season 3 is already proving itself to be quite the predictable rollercoaster and they have only aired one full episode.
What I’m looking forward to comes from the unveiled spoilers such as hair-pulling arguments enhanced by spiked seltzers, this disastrous Bachelor cameo (ugh), and the elephant in the room…Alex. Kompo. Is. Going. To. Be. A. Father.
But just like the producers of the show, we will save that train wreck for the finale.
All this and we haven’t touched on episode one. Let’s cut to the feeling, shall we?
We dive first into a montage from Juliette’s perspective of break up/make up/break up sessions between her and Alex (so last summer). But we also see a rare scene of the Seminole Graduate on her special day alongside her parents. Her father shares his dreams of Juliette applying to law school although the Queen has already planned her return to the Key, where she plans on suppressing her feelings for Kompo by telling her parents, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” Ah, your parents must be so proud.
I’d like to know how production always finds vacancy on Siesta Key Beach? Seriously, teach me how to find secluded space at the #1 Beach any given weekend from Presidents Day through Christmas.
Now back to the millennial recap of other millennials/Gen-Zers.
Keliette is the relationship that I never knew I needed but I think these two actually enjoy one another? Who knows if my assumptions are correct, but Kelsey is in need of a new bestie (and roommate) since Madisson will be preoccupied with ex-producer (!!!) of the show turned boyfriend, ISH -- again not spoiling anything that hasn’t already been handed to us on a silver Instagram platter or later on in this episode. So I wish Keliette, bon chance.
Now, let’s hit some bullet points and skip over some good stuff for some great stuff:
- Juliette says, “New Summer New Me.” Oooooooooooooookay.
- We hear the first plug of Juliette’s new boyfriend and his business
- Chloe steps up Alex’s wardrobe and purchases him designer clothes on his credit card (you mean his parents?)
- Chloe and Mrs. Kompo are BFF and gossip over Juliette
- Madisson dumped Brandon to move to L.A and take acting classes
- Madisson really moved to LA to date the “Siesta Key” EX PRODUCER (???)
- Cara walks off a private jet at SRQ Airport
- Madisson tells her Dad that her boyfriend is coming to visit but omits his age
- Jared and Brandon go to the barber shop and Brandon chops off his hair
- Madisson and Chloe grab drinks at Sarasota’s Modern Hotel
- Chloe chugs rosé in record time in response to who Madisson is dating
The most unbearable part of the show is watching Cara and Garrett continue this “love story” which is the most cringe worthy relationship on the Key. Dear producers, have Garrett get back with Kelsey and call it a day, we’re done with this failed romance. Love, everyone that watches your show.
Wish me luck while I dissect this would-rather-hear-nails-on-a-chalkboard-than-watch-this-again scene.
The whole cast seems super stoked for Juliette’s grad party except for Cara because Juliette’s new bestie Kelsey will be in attendance and she is sttttiiiillllll jealous of Kelsey. Although her jealousy may be valid, as we see in sneak peaks for future episodes, we have got to address Garrett’s comment to Cara when the argument comes up for the 238thtime.
He has the audacity to mutter the words, “Keep her name out of your mouth.”
YO GARRETT, maybe all that time at the gym made your muscles bigger (when do we get to actually see those abs!) but your intelligence has suffered the consequences. Who told you it was okay to speak to any indvidual like that? You just slid pretty far down on my Key Likeability Scale.
Anywho, these two peas in a pod meander down the beach path (pretty sure based in Longboat Key not Siesta Key) to the Gulf and Cara ignores the baffling comment and decides to ask Garrett, “You still haven’t said anything about my nose.” And just when I thought their love story couldn’t be any more fake…
What makes me irritated is that I watched this scene (and took the time to write about the scene) to learn that Garrett broke up with Cara when she moved to New Jersey? So why are we being bothered with their meaningless story line? It’s over. And may I say, THANK YOU, NEXT.
Cara redeems herself when Chloe comes over to chat about the new character at play, Robby. I’m deeeaaaad over the profile verses realty breakdown of this loser.
Personally, I didn’t like Robby from the start. They say don’t judge a book by its cover but his pathetic ploy to jump from one realty show to the next is a bad cover up for his leech-like tendencies. Sorry, not sorry.
C-squared’s research and reactions edited alongside a dinner date between hair-twirling Juliette and lame-o Robby (who during their dinner date at Connor’s Steak House in Sarasota asks Juliette to fill his empty fridge with groceries) confirms my theory that this guy MIGHT be as bad as Alex freaking Kompo. While tearing apart Robby’s dating profile, Chloe reads aloud, “He says he’s 6’1’’, there is no way that’s true.” GIMME MORE TEA, CHLOE.
Someone please buy Robby the island he wants next to Richard Brandon’s so he can get off the KEY.
We finally get the slow motion b-roll of the “Siesta Key” boys and girls getting ready for Juliette’s Graduation Party. Let’s break down what happens before the first MAJOR moment of the season:
- Juliette prefers her intimate life with Robby over Alex (however on Instagram shakes her head saying that’s as NOT true. Girrrrrrl.)
- At Sarasota based restaurant Wicked Cantina we meet Cara’s friend Victoria
- Juliette’s party takes places no where near the sands of Siesta Key
- Chloe and Amanda have the “what are your intensions” talk with Robby
- Kelsey grabs Cara and we have the first bitch-face-face-off of the season
Pause for recap to say, thank you to Amanda and Chloe for confirming my assumption about Robby. Amanda said, “He kind of reminds me of those Fyre Festival guys,” and YAS GIRL. But when the girls try and talk to Juliette, her rosé colored glasses are so tightly bound to her face she ignores her friends again. What else is new?
- Cara calls out Garrett once again for not commenting on her nose job
- We learn if Garrett were to get a buzz cut Cara would hate it
- Robby gifts Juliette a trip to Greece for graduation
- “Everybody has to prove themselves in Siesta Key,” Amanda said. “Especially to me,” Chloe responded.
Madisson, unannounced to her ex-boyfriend Brandon or friends, brings the cast members ex-boss and ex-producer and her new boyfriend Ish to the graduation party. Nothing like making an entrance Ms. Hausburg! @madissonhausand and@siestakey shared this seriosly jaw-dropping news the other day on Instagram and until that moment had been the best kept secret of the show.
I’m torn because on one hand, my heart goes out to Brandon but on the other, as Chloe reminds us, Brandon cheated on Madisson and what goes around comes around?
I don’t condone cheating, but I might be siding with Brandon on this one - this doesn’t (clap) seem (clap) right (clap). I’m not talking about the age difference, Madisson will be 26 in February and Ish is 46, or whether Madisson should be with anyone else. It’s her life, her rules.
Brandon saying that this situation is a “f****** bag of weird,” is something I fully support.
Was Ish plotting his move all along? Why did Ish leave the show? The legal paperwork on their relationship must be insaaaaaaaaaane.
Regardless, the boys on this show are flopping for me after episode one. Between Robby being Robby, Garrett’s inability to talk to women, Ish being just fISHy and Alex not bothering to show face during the season premiere - I don’t have high hopes for the male race on Siesta.
As we embark through this season of my love-hate relationship with this beautifully scripted (or not) locally-based show, here are a few things I’d like to see unfold:
1. Juliette, listen to your mom and SLOW IT DOWN. You don’t need a man alongside you while you reign the key.
2. Robby you’re 15 minutes are up, buh-bye.
3. Kelsey + Garret + hook up = Cara can finally find someone who compliments her and her nose job.
4. Chloe will continue to be the best flip-flopping friend in every episode.
5. We find out the DISH on ISH.
6. Paul isn’t seen at all in the third season.
7. Amanda and Brandon don’t become a thing (spoilerfrom teasers!) but find love somewhere else on the key.
8. We see more LOCAL shops, restaurants and businesses in the show!
9. Someone from the cast of “Siesta Key” actually reads this.
10. MTV gives us a season 4.
Until next time my fellow Key-Heads.
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