"Siesta Key" is back, everyone, and the two new cast members are contributing to what might be the most ridiculous plotlines yet.
Welcome back, loyal readers. Did you miss us?
We missed you.
Thank God MTV decided we were worthy of another season of “Siesta Key” so we could be reunited.
Last night, MTV gifted us two whole episodes. I’m sure the producers thought they were doing us a favor, but listen, no one asked for that.
11 p.m. is my bedtime, but don’t worry, dear readers, I stayed up past that writing this recap for you because, well, I love you.
We can barely handle the one-hour episode we usually get, so now my brain is absolute mush, but I’ll do my best for you guys.
I feel like I could honestly recap the two episodes with maybe three sentences, but I won’t. Speaking of recaps – need a refresher on last season? Check out last season’s Key Notes here.
Now back to business. Let’s start at the beginning of the first episode when we had so much hope that our Siesta squad had matured since we last saw them. HA, silly us.
The good news is that the theme song is the same, and you bet I danced along both times it played.
The bad news is that this season is already off to an incredibly rocky, dramatic start. What made us think they would stop self-imploding and over drinking?
The first episode opens with an overview of Alex’s house with music playing that honestly sounds like it should be played over a battlefield, which I guess maybe Alex’s party is.
The scene we’re welcomed with is a fight scene, but before we find out what really happened, we travel back to three days before the birthday party.
Alex assures his mother the party set up she planned will work because he has less people coming than last year, which was 400 people.
First of all, who knows and even LIKES 400 people to invite to a party? And second of all, what parent allows their child to invite 400 people to her home? I get it’s a mansion, but please. That sounds like a parental nightmare, which I clearly know a lot about as a single, childless 24-year-old.
Anyway, let’s bullet point where the rest of the characters are or you’ll be reading this all day, and I’m sure that you, like me, have work to do.
- Juliette admits to her mom that she loves Alex. We all take a deep breath and don’t let it go for the next hour and 45 minutes.
- Madisson drops Ben off at the airport because the job he had in Siesta, or more likely Sarasota, didn’t “have room for him to grow,” so he’s heading back to Houston.
- They talk about what could have been and it seems like this should have been discussed sooner than 45 minutes before his flight and in front of cameras, but what do I know?
- Chloe and Canvas visit Cara, a new girl on the show, who used to date Alex and is on Siesta for the summer. Do you see where this is going?
- Juliette and Alex have dinner with their parents on a yacht. Juliette said she was advised to not wear shoes, so can someone who has graced a yacht before tell me the rule about shoes on the off chance a peasant like me is ever on one?
- Juliette’s dad asks Alex what his intentions are and he stutters — or maybe the producers just compiled a 30-second clip of him stuttering to make us think he was a fool.
- Garrett is moving out of his parent’s house.
- Brandon is still (unfortunately) making music.
- Paige moved to Philadelphia, and that is the WORST news.
- Juliette and Amanda go shopping for Alex’s birthday present. Amanda cautions Juliette to be careful, but guys, he bought her a YSL bag for Christmas, so she is, like, totally going to be the future Mrs. Alex Kompothecras.
- Jared, another newbie to the show, returns from the Navy after an accident. He used to date Madisson in high school while she was not dating or Alex or while she was? It’s a bit unclear, but regardless, Madisson and Jared have history.
I would just like to know if these people went to the world’s lowest-populated high schools because they all seemed to have dated each other and have no other friends. I know that obviously we only see certain things, BUT come on, how have they only dated each other? And why?
After we catch up with everyone, Chloe visits Madisson who has recently moved back in with her dad. Madisson is struggling because what twenty-something isn’t?
Chloe says things could be worse because she could be in the “worst relationship ever” like Juliette. I wish I could tell you this is the worst thing Chloe says the whole night, but unfortunately, I’m a bad, bad liar.
Finally, the day of Alex’s party arrives. Let’s use some bullets here for word-count sake.
- Chloe brings Cara, which immediately makes Juliette mad.
- Brandon and Garrett bring Jared, which immediately makes Alex mad. This doesn’t end well.
- Alcohol flows.
- Madisson and Jared go for a walk on the beach, and he talks about his time in the Navy and his struggle with PTSD and insomnia.
- Juliette confronts Chloe about bringing Cara. She hates Cara because Cara has hooked up with Alex before when he’s been in a relationship. Because HIM cheating would clearly be ONLY Cara’s fault.
- Chloe points out that if Juliette hates everyone Alex has hooked up with, the guest list should only include Chloe because Alex has “slept with the rest of the town.” That is the best line I’ve heard yet on this show.
- Chloe makes an amazing point and tells Juliette that if she and Alex are truly in love, well then, other girls shouldn’t be threats.
- Jared attempts to say hi to Alex but then they start fighting because Alex is living in the past. Then Pauly joins the fight and it escalates and Jared is asked to leave.
- During this fight an innocent girl is knocked to the ground AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO LET US KNOW IF SHE IS OK. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IS THAT POOR GIRL OK, MTV?
Episode 1 ends. Goodnight! Sleep tight!
LOL who are we kidding?
We have another hour to discuss.
The next episode begins with literally every cast member recapping the party and fight. We’ll spare recapping because nobody has time for that.
What is notable is that Pauly is mad at his uncle, aka 1-800-Ask-Gary, for making him clean the mansion. Pauly thinks it’s unacceptable his uncle can pay $30 million to live in the house and not have a cleaning staff.
Can someone else break the news to Pauly that most mere mortals clean up their own homes after a party and don’t do it by chugging vodka then gagging in a garbage can? Had he not done that, he probably could have cleaned for more than the hour he contributed before whining like a baby.
Anyway, let’s move on.
Juliette says about 1,428 more times that she doesn’t trust or like Cara because of her past with Alex. I’m over this line. Alex has hooked up with literally everyone. Did she not listen to Chloe the night before? Jeez.
Garrett asks Kelsey to talk and it doesn’t go well. He’s mad she didn’t tell him about her new boyfriend, and I’m sorry, Garrett, usually I’m on your team, but your ex-girlfriend is not obligated to tell you about her new relationship. Just move on.
BG, Jared, Canvas and some chick named Tawni talk at the tiki bar, and Jared says everyone needs to stop acting like they’re in high school, which is what we’ve literally all been saying since season 1, episode 1. They’ve all said it too, they just haven’t done anything about it, and we all still watch the show.
Later, the whole gang attends BG’s show in some raging club that is definitely not in Sarasota or on Siesta Key.
Chloe and Cara show up and almost immediately Chloe and Juliette start fighting because Juliette’s hairdresser told Chloe she had been talking about her. Juliette is not mad at all because she, like, can totally go get a new hairdresser. Juliette continues to be threatened by Cara, who insists she has negative zero interest in Alex, like most normal humans.
Chloe gets mad because it’s fine for her to stir the pot, but the minute she is called out on it she denies it and gets mad everyone is yelling at her. *Insert eye roll emoji for days*
Alex asks for a beer, and I would love one too. Thanks, Alex.
Next, BG, Madisson, Kelsey, Chloe and Cara hang at the beach with BG’s new girlfriend Camila. Chloe casually, or as casually as you can I guess, asks if they slept together on the first date because that is 100% her business. Camila, like the rest of us, is like who the heck does this chick think she is?
Kelsey says hi to Chloe, who says she isn’t into “fake stuff,” so saying hi isn’t really in the cards for her.
Amanda shows up and they all start yelling at each other. Amanda threatens to beat Chloe up again, so Chloe leaves in tears.
As the episode, finally, wraps up, Juliette tells Alex he needs to defend her and say something mean to Cara to prove his love to Juliette.
Like I said, they’ve really matured since last season.
As Alex and Juliette continue to bicker about Chloe and Cara, Alex finally spits out the (MAYBE) “truth” that Chloe told him a few years ago she wanted to spend her life with him.
Juliette’s jaw drops, and so does ours, because (according to all her social media accounts) Chloe has been in a relationship, for ummmmm, awhile, so this isn’t that believable. Plus, I’m sorry but who would want to spend the rest of their life with Alex? Seems like that would be drama-filled and quite boring seeing as he can barely string a sentence together.
I think we should all take the next six days to reflect on this.
Until next time, I’ve made five predictions for this season.
- Madisson and Jared will date.
- Kelsey will kiss Garrett at some point.
- Everyone will cry. A LOT.
- Alex will probably make a pass at Cara.
- Alex and Juliette will break up for the 18th time.