The family drama was as turbulent as the relationship drama on this week’s episode.
Beware the Ides of March?
More like beware the Ides of season 2 of “Siesta Key.”
Please laugh at my joke.
If I wanted it to be, this recap could be three sentences long.
But I won’t do that to you.
I’m mostly saying that so MTV quits recapping the previous episode for three-quarters of the next episode.
I am sure that those that watch this show can remember what happened seven days prior because that’s just how wild these plot lines are.
Anyway, onward we go. The episode opens with a narration from Juliette, who per usual, makes a statement that assures us this group is less than self aware.
“I’ve been wondering how any of us are keeping it together,” Juliette says.
Have you really been keeping it together? Inquiring minds want to know, like mine.
To start off, Amanda and Chloe get their nails done and recap Chloe’s fight with Alex, which we didn’t need. We want new material, MTV!
Chloe is over it though because in true “Siesta Key” fashion the whole gang is going to have a Sunday fun day, and that can only go well.
Here are some quick notes to speed this up:
- Brandon and Alana are prepping for tour, and he admits that him and Camila broke up.
- The squad gathers at Motorworks in Bradenton for Sunday fun day. Brace yourself.
- Someone (I truly don’t remember who...oops) asks Pauly how he is and he says, well
- “Getting through the whole legal issue thing but other than that…” Very casual, Pauly.
- Cara takes a big ‘ol gulp of her drink. Same.
- Canvas and Tawni start their own table because this is basically a clique-y middle school dance.
- Chloe joins Tawni and Canvas, and the other table immediately starts bashing her, except for Amanda who says she acts the way she does because she truly cares.
- Tawni says she is going to talk to Madisson about Ben after another drink or two because alcohol solves all problems.
Let’s break down the conversation between Tawni and Madisson because it did not go well.
Tawni says that Ben is pursuing her, so she is going to pursue him right back. Hmm.
Madisson asks why Tawni isn’t confronting Ben about this, and Tawni says Ben won’t talk to her in front of everyone else. Madisson asks if she really wants to be a woman who can only be talked to behind a closed door, which is a fair point.
I think Tawni is going about this the wrong way. She is trying to maybe look out for Madisson, but you can’t try and help another girl out while simultaneously saying you’re going to pursue her boyfriend. That’s like saying you want to eat healthier and then having french fries for dinner four days in a row.
While we should all live by the motto “fries before guys,” fries are only good in moderation and will not help you be healthy.
Just like telling a girl her boyfriend is about to cheat on her WITH YOU is not healthy or nice.
Anyway, Amanda and Juliette head to the bar inside because they are still having Sunday fun day, and Juliette, after a good pep talk from Amanda, says she wants to break up with Alex.
*Insert angelic voices singing "Hallelujah" here*
She tells Amanda that she doesn’t know why she ever let him make her feel the way she does.
They say love can be blinding, but this is not a rom-com or a Shakespeare play, so we would also like to know why she let him make her feel that way.
Across the bar, Tawni drops to the bathroom floor as she cries and Canvas and Cara (?) join her. Canvas calls Madisson a sneaky snake, and not only was that an eighth-grade level burn but also, Madisson is not. She’s confused, like anyone would be if a girl they didn’t know said their boyfriend was being sketchy.
Back outside, Madisson tells Ben what Tawni said and nothing really comes of this conversation. Classic.
In the bathroom, Cara, who seems to not really belong here, tells Tawni she is obviously the victim, as if Tawni has told Ben to stop contacting her? No one is rational. It’s probably because they are at least four fruity drinks in.
Alex finally makes his way inside. I assume it took him so long because he was stumbling over both his feet and words.
Juliette asks him point blank if he cheated for the 180th time. He denies that he did.
All that matters here is that he tells her even if he did cheat on her, she would still come back to him, and girls everywhere threw a shaking fist in the air. He truly thinks he is a king, when really he is a peasant who would be spit on by any female he came within two centimeters of.
Juliette says she doesn’t want to lose Alex, but she doesn’t want to date him.
“I wanna break up,” she mutters.
I’m pretty sure he pats her on the back when she says this because he truly doesn’t believe her, and then walks away.
Can you imagine being so full of yourself you pat a girl on the back when she breaks up with you because you’re so sure she’ll crawl back to you?
It’s what they call toxic masculinity. Google it. It’ll do you some good.
After a long commercial break, we are brought to Gary’s office where Pauly admits he was caught with an ounce of weed, which is considered a felony in Florida.
Gary basically tells Pauly he can’t help him anymore, and because this drama is too serious for MTV, we switch to a scene with Chloe, Juliette and Madisson arriving at Brandon’s show in St. Pete in too nice of dresses for the Irish bar they are going to.
They have fun, but not too much, because what is a girl’s night out without drama?
Chloe brings down the hammer and asks Madisson about Ben, who says that she will always trust Ben over a girl she doesn’t know.
Chloe promptly shares that Tawni has proof, and she’s seen it. Madisson still seems unsure, and Juliette says perhaps the most intelligent thing I’ve ever heard her mutter.
“Does it really matter where it came from if it’s true?”
No, it certainly does not. But, my opinion doesn’t matter to them, so Madisson just gets upset.
After another commercial break, MTV gifts us perhaps the funniest scene in the show’s history. Alex on the elliptical. Someone should make it a gif immediately. I mean, he thinks he is so freaking macho, but this scene makes him look like a drunk toddler who can’t use workout equipment. He should stick to the weights that he’s probably hit himself in the head with 284,289 times.
His mom, Beth, pays him a visit and tries to talk about Pauly, but in true Alex fashion he says he has more important things to worry about like his relationship with Juliette.
He tells his mother that if he really wanted to hook up with other girls he could.
Let me repeat the first part of that sentence. HE SAID THAT TO HIS MOTHER.
Who says to their own, precious mother that they are so hot and perfect that anyone would hook up with them?
I am far, far away from being a mother, but if my potential future son ever said this to me I would force him to stay on that elliptical for four hours at the highest speed and not give him water.
I’m kidding. I wouldn’t because that is incredibly mean, but you get the point.
Anyway, this isn’t important because GRANDMA BEV IS BACK BABY!!
Not for good reason though.
The Kompos have a sort of intervention for Pauly, and he admits to Grandma Beverly that he had a hiccup.
Well, he said hiccup, we say big stinking mess. A hiccup would be forgetting Grandma Bev’s birthday. Getting caught with an ounce of weed and not showing up for a court date is ummmmmmmmmm … A big mess …
Actually it’s more. I consulted thesaurus.com for more ways to describe this.
Pauly’s situation is…
You get the picture.
Anyway, Grandma Beverly says “no thank you” to dealing with Pauly’s crap anymore.
“I’m ashamed of you,” she says. “I really am.”
She continues to say she doesn’t think she can trust Pauly anymore.
While that cookie crumbles, Madisson and Ben meet at Bayfront Park.
Ben seems truly shocked they are discussing Tawni again, but Madisson is persistent.
Ben doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He actually thinks he should get some brownie points for not sleeping with Tawni. Madisson assures him this is not how relationships work.
All he deserves for this is eating burnt brownies for the rest of his life.
Remember when I said the Kool-Aid was poisoned on Siesta? Ben is just its latest victim. So again, for any males traveling to Siesta, STAY AWAY FROM THE LIQUIDS.
Anyway, we can’t fix stupid boys, but let’s talk about another one any way.
Alex, who is on a roll with good decisions, asks Cara to come over. She stupidly does.
They talk about Juliette and Garrett. Alex says her relationships sounds stale. She says she needs Garrett to understand that she doesn’t like when people tell her who she can and can’t talk to.
Do we see where this is going?
I’m sure we all do, but I’m sure MTV will lay out the trail of crumbs for us next week anyway.
See you then!