Old flames return and new sparks continue to fly this week — all while Juliette and Alex appear to be burning out.
You know you’re in for a treat when the blissful voice of ignorance starts off a “Siesta Key” episode.
Our guest columnist for the week, local "Siesta Key" superfan Sofie Wachtmeister, said it best: “He sounds dumb.”
If that wasn’t blunt enough, the King of Siesta Key himself narrates this episode, and I kind of sort of totally hated every moment of it. No offense, Alex, but your voice sounds like it’s still wired shut (we were all better off when it was … there, I said it).
Anyway, this episode starts off with one of my favorite lines of narration in “Siesta Key” history: “I never thought I would say this, but I was the good guy.”
The saddest part about this Mona Lisa of sentences is that it’s actually true. Sort of.
Let’s review the current situations of our SK men.
Brandon: Just cheated on his girlfriend the first time he was without her for more than a day in five months. #SeparationAnxietyGoneHorriblyWrong
Garrett: Picked up a girl at a charity event and then planned a date with her after washing her car shirtless (her raffle prize from said charity event). OK so this one isn’t really bad because we all were blessed with an ab shot, but I’m still grossed out.
Pauly: He’s just Pauly. Need I say more?
Everyone else is sort of irrelevant and Carson is still a Greek god so let’s move on.
The point here is that Alex hasn’t really done anything wrong lately except for pick a few small fights with Hannah, and let’s be real she’s also being annoying so everyone needs to take a chill pill.
Anyway, the first scene shows Kelsey and Madisson enjoying some gal time (beachside, of course) and we find out that an old flame from college just happens to have a job interview for some real estate company on their humble little barrier island. What a coincidence! I have no idea what’s going to happen next!
The best part is that he just happens to call in the middle of Madisson and Kelsey’s conversation about being over Brandon. Wow, the stars always seem to align for these guys! LOL.
Next we see a parallel BFFs-talking-about-relationship-probs scene between Carson and Brandon during which I roll my eyes a lot, and we learn Brandon wants to write a song about Madisson (because that’s totally obviously a marvelous method of getting a girl you cheated on back).
Soon it’s time for a much-anticipated follow-up to Canvas and Paige’s last steamy encounter, and this one is filled with just as much tension of a very sensual sort. There’s even some brief hand holding —gasp (JK this is 2018 live your life, everyone).
Paige admits to never dating a girl before, and both women reveal that they have feelings for each other. But one question remains. What will Madisson think about this?
Next is some whiny valley girl scene with Juliette and Hannah in which one of the only notes I wrote was “Do you ever go to school, Juliette?”
As predicted, the “best friends” fight over Hannah’s disapproval of Juliette and Alex’s relationship and my fellow co-writers and I agreed that Hannah most definitely fake cries before storming out of LéLu Coffee Lounge.
Next up is a ridiculously staged scene in which someone who may or may not be a real record producer is somehow giving rapper BG the time of day in his recording studio (oh, I’m sorry, in “Brandon’s Recording Studio,” as we’re told).
Many painfully horrid lyrics later, music man basically tells Brandon he needs to make this song good or he won’t get his girl back, and I am disgusted until I picture what will hopefully be the repulsed look on Madisson’s face when she hears this terrible song and proceeds to laugh at him in public. A girl can dream.
Then, we have an interesting date scene between Madisson and her ex-beau who just happens to be in town. Our guest columnist does a better job of summarizing this lovely interaction than I do, so please see her poetic hot take.
Next we find Juliette “helping” (carrying one, maybe two boxes) Alex move into his ridiculously nice house in Tampa (complete with a chandelier that I really hope comes crashing down “Phantom of the Opera”-style in the middle of a party). Naturally, conflict ensues when the subject of Hannah comes up, and Juliette says the best thing since her geography quote a couple episodes ago: “Two rights don’t make a wrong.”
You know there’s something seriously wrong with your language skills when Alex Kompothecras has to correct your idiom usage.
Moving on. Chloe finally appears, and while working out with Garrett, charity event girl Nicole coincidentally calls him to see if they’re going to go out again. He says yes, then proceeds to make zero concrete plans with her. Smooth, brah.
Next is the scene I’ve been trying not to nervously bite my nails over: Paige’s big confession. Madisson does not take it well. Shocker. She is initially confused but when it sinks in that Paige wants to hang out with Canvas as more than a friend, she storms out (but no fear, everyone. Madisson just tweeted after the episode that her and her big sister are still tight. Not all relationships are doomed on this island).
Finally, we get to the climax of the episode: a big housewarming party at Alex’s new Tampa abode that everyone drove at least an hour for. Good thing they can all afford that far of an Uber ride.
This party is basically the same as every other not-so-chill-but-trying-to-be-chill bonfire soiree on the show.
Tensions run high. Madisson shows up with Ben. They’re flirty. Brandon looks like a sad puppy dog. Pauly makes a series of hilariously irrelevant comments. Hannah and Alex fight. Juliette gets mad. Chloe tells Kelsey to be honest with Garrett (Kelsey still has feelings for him). Tarik tells Brandon to back off. Brandon gets mad. Ben and Madisson get cozy in a corner. Then Madisson disappears just in time for Ben to decide it’s a good idea to approach Brandon. They have a very macho man conversation that wasn’t worth our time.
Or is it? We’ll have to find out next week on the — wait for it — SEASON FINALE.
I know, guys. I will have to fill that empty void in my heart somehow as well (sadly).
— Niki Kottmann