Single In Sarasota by Loren Mayo

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Armored in sexy plastic glasses, a white lab coat made of crunchy, crinkly material and a sensational orange helmet, one might just believe I had some idea of what I was talking about if I tossed around fancy terms such as “inebriation” — whoops, I mean “bioremediation” — “saprophytic,” “pseudomonas” and “mesophiles.”

The reason for such an appealing getup (one that I wish I were still prancing around in, as a matter of fact) is: Today I was forced by some microbiologists to wear this fine ensemble when, for an upcoming feature story for the paper, I followed a group of high school kids on a mock crime-scene tour at Osprey Biotechnics, which, I’ll admit, I thought was located in Osprey.

Hey, it makes sense if you think about it. After a visit to Google maps, I realized I would have been driving about 35 minutes in the wrong direction had I not mapped out the address.

I sat through an hour-long lecture at the facility, struggling to keep my eyes open and brain focused as the technical director tried his best to interest me in isolating, growing and stabilizing naturally occurring bacteria. I would have preferred to be sitting on the beach with a strawberry daiquiri in my hand and a tan, muscular man fanning me with a palm leaf.

Instead, I sat there wondering how the heck I’m supposed to write a feature story on this gibberish, whether the high-schoolers were also having difficulty processing “cometabolic aerobic oxidation,” which is “the microbial breakdown of a contaminant in which the contaminant is oxidized incidentally by an enzyme produced during the metabolism of another compound,” and debating whether I should hit the gym after work or trek over to the AT&T store to upgrade my iPhone. It’s obviously a tough call because, four hours later, I’m back at the office and still contemplating.

I had the same trouble in biology class. I couldn’t absorb any equations, terms, etc., but I absolutely loved the labs, especially ones involving something called a centrifuge. All I know is that we collected a variety of items, carefully placed them into capsules, started up the machine, and the particles inside the capsules moved. However, that reminds me … in that class, we had to dissect a pig.

On the way to the first laboratory room, one of the students told me that today’s mock crime scene was part of a four-week-long investigation class at Manatee Community College. Each week, the students learn new information, helping them determine which parties are guilty of 1.) illegally dumping toxic chemicals and 2.) murder. The tour of Osprey Biotechnics helped them look at the investigation from an environmental aspect. Next week, the students will present their cases to the Manatee County state attorney.
By the way, I was right — none of the students really understood most of the terms we heard today, either. However, I still would have liked to keep that outfit.