Officials conspired to jam traffic

On a sunny day, you can hear the faint sounds of honking on Longboat Key from as far away as Osprey or Palmetto. It’s the sound of frustrated drivers stuck in traffic who attempt to solve the jam by blaring their horns.

For months, residents have complained about heavier-than-usual seasonal traffic on the Key.

A public records request from the Longboat Observer reveals that local officials conspired to create traffic jams on the Key in an attempt to keep complaining residents off the island. It began with an email from a town employee that read: “Time for some traffic problems on Longboat Key.”

For months, town officials have denied a conspiracy, offering unlikely explanations.

It’s the price of living in paradise, they said.

There are more tourists on the roads this year due to an improved economy and snowstorms up north, they said.

It’s the result of college students seeking drunken debauchery on Longboat Key, they said.

In reality, officials hatched a plan to cause traffic jams Feb. 4, as the 7 p.m. Feb. 3 Longboat Key Town Commission regular meeting headed into its 15th hour.

During the meeting, the commission and town officials listened as residents took to the podium one by one and complained in three-minute intervals about topics such as rats at the Colony Beach & Tennis Resort, hedge heights, a proposed 87-cent rate hike for water service and the hypothetical impact of a Mar Vista Dockside Restaurant & Pub application that no longer exists.

As the commission returned from its breakfast break at 9:01 a.m. Feb. 4, discussion continued, and an angry town official emailed officials at state and local agencies with the message: “Time for some traffic problems on Longboat Key.”

“Done,” they both replied, in the email.

Within minutes, the bridges on both ends of the islands began opening for 40 minutes straight every hour.
The town dispatched employees disguised as snowbirds to drive Gulf of Mexico Drive in vehicles with Michigan and Ohio license plates at speeds slower than 20 mph.

Staffers also disguised as snowbirds were dispatched to walk out in front of vehicles as they traveled Gulf of Mexico Drive. Other employees also took out town boats frequently throughout the day to trick drivers into thinking that bridge openings were the result of boat traffic.

Within hours, vehicles were backed up for miles on both ends of the Key. The jams continued for the next two months.

At peak traffic times, nearly half of island residents were trapped on the other side of paradise — i.e. the mainland. One resident reported being horrified by what she saw while stuck on the mainland, including fast food restaurants, panhandling and construction work after 5 p.m. — things town ordinances prohibit.

But, for the town official, the scheme may have backfired. Although half of the island’s population was stuck off the island, the other was stuck on the island. They caused additional traffic jams around Town Hall as they waited for open parking spaces so they could take to the podium at the March 3 regular commission meeting to demand the town end traffic jams.

They proposed new solutions that the town has never before discussed, such as a bridge from Longboat Key to the mainland or tolls on both ends of the island.

Police are now investigating whether officials could have had a role in a string of 23 accidents that closed Cortez Bridge to traffic March 4 — which, suspiciously, was also the date of the Colony Beach & Tennis Resort nuisance hearing that was expected to be so widely attended that the town moved it to Temple Beth Israel.

The town employee behind the scheme apologized for his role and blamed sleep-deprivation. He remains on paid administrative leave. He is also working with the new town therapist (see Briefs, Page 3A) to overcome the flashbacks due to two decades’ worth of Ringling Bridge hearings he developed last month when traffic suddenly became the hot topic once again at Town Hall.

The town manager expressed relief April 1, as he cruised an empty Gulf of Mexico Drive in a town-owned SUV a full 5 mph over the speed limit.

“Finally,” he said. “No more traffic problems on Longboat Key.”

Contact Robin Hartill at [email protected]

 Hopefully you made it to the end of the article, so we can say, Happy April Fools' Day! This story is not true.