Colony to be demolished

APRIL FOOLS — It has taken seven years and counting for the Colony Beach & Tennis Resort disputes to arise and the resort to close and fall into disrepair. But it’s going to take less than 15 minutes for the place to come tumbling down.

A special meeting was held last week on Longboat Key, in which more than 80% of Colony Beach & Tennis Resort units owners approved a complete teardown of the property Thursday, April 1.

Longtime Colony Beach & Tennis Resort owner Dr. Murray “Murf” Klauber pitched the idea to the unit owners, even though the owners haven’t picked a development company yet to rebuild the property.

The reason a teardown was approved so quickly?

Klauber has persuaded the 2013 Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam tour to make a stop at the Colony property on its way to a scheduled tour date in Miami.

“We can have the whole place torn down in minutes by selling an exclusive monster-truck show that will demolish the Colony property,” Klauber said. “The money we raise will be used by unit owners to help pay a new developer the costs for fractional ownership in a new and improved elegant Colony.”

Advance Auto Parts Monster Jam came to Raymond James Stadium in February and is making its way from Tennessee back to Florida this week.

While tickets for a tour stop in Tampa and other cities cost $35 for the most expensive seats, Klauber said he has already taken reservations for seats that start at $150 and rise to $500 per seat. For $500, attendees get to sit with Klauber at the top of his shuttered penthouse to watch the demolition derby from above, complete with a champagne toast and “Colony Comes Crashing Down” T-shirts.

Klauber said he’s been amazed by the response and said Longboaters have told him they feel liberated they can now both live on the Key and proclaim their love for things such as NASCAR and monster trucks. Several residents, Klauber said, head to Bradenton Motorsports Parkway each week to watch the school bus races, donned in disguises because they fear neighbors will shame them.

“Residents are sick and tired of going to wine-and-cheese parties,” Klauber said. “There’s a little redneck in all of us, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

A scavenger hunt will be held the following day, in which Longboaters and past hotel guests can pay $25 to scour the property for Colony treasures that range from swimming pool pavers to vintage Colony linens.

“Longboaters are very excited to watch this place be torn down,” Klauber said. “It’s an eyesore, and I realize this place needs to be leveled to get things moving in the right direction.”

Town officials have approved a special-use permit to allow the event to occur at 7 p.m. Monday, April 1.

“Residents and commissioners alike are sick and tired of looking at the resort in its current form,” said one Planning, Zoning and Building department employee. “This is worth it to stop the complaints from residents who complain about their property values being affected by these old buildings.”