Can St. Armands keep up with the Kardashians?

APRIL FOOLS — “Youll luvv our new #DASHboutique on St. Armand’s Circle. C u their” @KimKardashian tweeted last week.

If you don’t speak Twitter, here’s a translation:

The multitalented Kim Kardashian and her sisters, Kourtney and Khloe, stars of the critically acclaimed reality show “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” will open their newest DASH Boutique on St. Armands Circle.

The news spread quickly among bored employees at Longboat Key Town Hall and Sarasota City Hall who were checking Twitter feeds during meetings, while taking a break from playing the “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood” game.

Soon, town and city officials were engaged a meaningful dialogue on social media:

“Can #StArmandsCircle keep up with the @Kardashians?”

@SRQTrafficGuy tweeted.

“The Kardashians could really stop traffic,” @LBKspokeswoman tweeted.

The arrival of the Kardashians, along with Kim’s husband, Kanye West, has town and city officials concerned for a number of reasons:

- The Kardashians and their entourage could take up an entire quadrant’s worth of parking on the Circle;

- Drivers, who are already mandated by state law to brake for snowbirds and tourists, will also have to do so for paparazzi, according to a memo from a city attorney;

- The Kardashians plan to hold their grand opening the same weekend as the Paragon Art Festival and the Sarasota Music Encore Half Marathon in April, causing Vice Mayor Susan Chapman to complain during a recent meeting. Hearing Chapman’s complaints, West took to the podium and interrupted her.

“Imma let you finish,” he said, before launching into a tirade reminiscent of his Taylor Swift interruption at the 2009 VMAs.

Kardashian told the Longboat Observer that she’s looking forward to being on the Circle. She plans to hold a special event on the Circle for every 73 days she and West are still together. During the event, they will renew their vows. (Kardashian’s previous marriage, to basketball player Kris Humphries, lasted just 72 days.) She’s also considering hosting a marathon called DASH Around the Keys next January or February that would take racers across Longboat, Lido, St. Armands and Bird keys.

Kardashian, who recently purchased a unit at L’Ambiance (see sidebar), said she’s looking forward to Longboat life.

She plans to collaborate with Digital Observer Media to create a version of her popular game that will be called “Kim Kardashian: Black Tie,” in which local socialites can create their own celebrity and join Kardashian on red carpet adventures through their favorite galas for a chance to meet Kardashian on Longboat Key.

Kardashian loves the area so much that she’s making a mad “dash” to open another DASH Boutique at the new University Town Center Mall.

Asked by the Longboat Observer about local residents’ concerns, Kardashian said: “I’ll always have my haters.”

North vs. South
When Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their baby North last year, the decision led to rumors that the couple chose the name because of Kim’s love of north Longboat Key.

But with the couple’s recent purchase of a L’Ambiance unit and Kanye’s love of the fast-paced lifestyle of the south end, sources tell the Longboat Observer that the couple could name Baby No. 2 “South” in honor of Kanye’s favorite part of the Key.

Hopefully you made it to the end of the article, so we can say, Happy April Fools' Day! This story is not true.