Always enough love

There’s plenty of stress, but expectations are clear. It’s highly organized and structured. And, there’s always plenty of fun.

It was like that even before Tom and Holly McAndrew took in two foster children ages 4 and 7 in March, adding to the already full house that includes Thomas, 11, Owen, 9, Scarlette, 3, and Merritt, 2.

“We’ve become one big happy family,” Holly McAndrew says. 

The McAndrews had talked about fostering children after their first two children were born but put the idea on hold after the birth of their third and fourth children.

But in January, while Holly and Tom McAndrew were remodeling a room at Woodland Community Church, where Holly works as an administrative assistant, they learned about two children in need of a home. The brother and sister, ages 4 and 7, were staying with a relative after being removed from their home. The relative could only keep the children temporarily.

“My first response was I looked at Tom and said, ‘I think this is supposed to be us,’” Holly McAndrew said. “Who would do this with four kids?”

McAndrew began reaching out to contacts to find a match for the children, whom the East County Observer is not naming, and after three weeks without success, the McAndrews began to seriously consider the option for themselves.

All the reasons not to foster were there: 

We don’t have room.

We don’t have money.

We don’t have time.

How are we going to keep up with our own children?

What will happen to our family if we bring these children into our home?

We’re not good enough parents.

But as the McAndrews prayed and talked about the realities of foster parenting, they realized their reasons were just excuses. 

“Somehow, magically, there’s always enough money,” Holly McAndrew said. “There’s always enough space. And there’s always enough love.” 

“God provides,” she said.

The McAndrews had heard the horror stories: poor bonding, resentment from foster children about being taken from their families, ungrateful children…The list went on and on. 

But the McAndrews reasoned the challenges are to be expected. There are no guarantees that children of good parents won’t battle addictions, poor habits or other issues. There were no guarantees, period.

“Kids don’t know why they’re taken, and you can’t talk about the case outside (of when you are meeting) with a therapist,” Holly McAndrew said. 

Tom McAndrew added, “Being in that situation, no matter how bad it is, you remove (the kids) from what they know.”

With two special needs children of their own — one with Asperger’s syndrome, obsessive compulsive disorder and a general anxiety disorder and the other with OCD and general anxiety disorder — the McAndrews’ life had already been transformed into one giant parenting lesson.

Holly learned to be a therapist at home, to advocate for her children within the school system and handle other issues many parents never face. In fact, the McAndrew home was already was set up to be a therapeutic environment for children dealing with issues. 

They didn’t have to acquire toys. All they needed were two beds.

“You can’t go into fostering with a superhero complex,” Holly McAndrew said. “You can’t go in thinking you are going to save a child. You are going in it to meet a need.”

The two children the McAndrews are fostering have adjusted well since moving in in March. The family enjoyed a “honeymoon period,” followed by plenty of behavioral issues, including separation anxiety or reverting back to old behaviors, but the children have melded into the McAndrew household fairly easily as they learn how the family communicates, its expectations and other family dynamics. There are still those “What did we get ourselves into?” moments, but overall, things are progressing. 

The McAndrews have been working to create a new normal, while advocating for their foster children and teaching them to advocate for themselves.

“It’s been really awesome,” Holly McAndrew says as her foster child gives her a hug. “Over time, all wounds heal with consistency and love. Who doesn’t have a wound that doesn’t flare up sometimes?”

“My hope is people see they don’t have to be a perfect parent,” Holly McAndrew says. “We all take for granted we have healthy relationships.”

Contact Pam Eubanks at [email protected].

MAY IS NATIONAL FOSTER CARE MONTH

Fostering matters
In foster care situation, reuniting children with their parents always is the goal. But until parents address the issues that led to their children’s removal, foster parents play a critical role in care.

“A foster home can provide that stability and that safety where the child can heal,” said Lucia Branton, who handles media and external affairs for the Safe Children Coalition, which provides community-based child welfare services for children in Desoto, Manatee and Sarasota counties. “The services are wrapped around that child to deal and work through any issues that may have led to the (removal). Foster parents play a critical role in a foster child’s life. We believe in having a family setting.”

Service gap
In the tri-county area of Desoto, Sarasota and Manatee counties, there are 128 licensed foster homes. Of those, 60 are in Manatee County. Those homes have a total of 112 beds available.

“It sounds like a lot, but at the rate they are removing children, the beds fill up quickly,” said Lucia Branton, of the Safe Children Coalition. “Right now, we have 179 kids in licensed foster homes and group homes in Manatee.”